Things are kind of messed up right now. I am getting paid Friday, so this money crunch will finally be over. That stupid stimulus money is finally coming, too. Our former landlord finally sent us the remainder of our deposit back in a personal check, addressed to my mother....

But today is Tuesday, and I had to work. So, to put milk and eggs in the fridge, I had to borrow $20 from Dennis. In front of his friend/roommate/co-worker. Awkward.

I can pay it back tomorrow, but still...it's something I never thought I'd have to do. Especially since he is one of those super-nice shirt-off-one's-back people, and some people have taken advantage of this. Even recently. I made a point to never ask him for anything. I want him to see that a true friend doesn't expect anything of you and doesn't take anything from you that he can't repay somehow. But life happens.

Work was somewhat slow today. I am still knocking on wood about it. I almost feel like today was Wednesday. Of course, it's not, but maybe I can get though tomorrow without losing it.

Dennis said something today. He asked when I was going to see the center manager about joining them in their office. I was flustered. It's not the first time Dennis has suggested that I should be able to move up in the company, but you know I never do well with praise. Of course, I pointed out all the reasons I didn't think it'd work, and he pointed out all of the reasons I had a shot. He even said the training staff would vouch for me if I applied. I made a feeble joke about finally getting paid for what I already do anyway, and he said that was exactly it.

I guess I had it coming, complaining as I have here, lately, about being unappreciated. It's strange, really. I have always needed a structured classroom and an attentive teacher to learn things I didn't already have a knack for.

I have a critical lack of self-motivation, and so many jobs, especially the kind that don't involve being constantly supervised, are looking for self-starters. I have never succeeded in teaching myself anything I set out to do on my own. My guitar is collecting dust. My art supplies and guides are scattered between here and Missouri. I don't even know where all my C++ programs, texts, or the compiler are. My Japanese coursework is put away somewhere, too. All of those things could have changed my life for the better. I could be making money, or gaining renown that could open doors for me. I could be teaching English in another country right now. I could at least have a really satisfying hobby and/or something I could add to a resume. Instead, I have wandered from interest to interest, never sticking with anything long enough to learn it, always waiting for something to "click", to be easy to pick up.

So now, not only am I supposed to supervise people and assess their abilities and performance, but I am to train new people off the street and be the only thing standing between them and the unemployment center. To have the power of decision over whether they are hired on or let go. To be responsible though my own abilities for making sure they learn the basics and can become productive employees. It's a lot to take on....

I know I have often thought of taking up teaching, either as a substitute, or a high school teacher or college professor. However, the sub isn't really to blame for the situations he walks into, or how he leaves it if he is only there for a short time. High school teachers are dealing with practically grown men and women, so you just have to work with the ones who are trying, and endure the ones who are just wasting time. It's even more so with college. I guess I am trying to avoid any personal responsibility for anyone's future. I don't really want to be the teacher that changed someone's life when I am on my game, if being off my game means I just doomed 5 others to gang-banging, teen parenthood, and/or menial labor. I couldn't do enough to make up for that. And I couldn't fix it, for people who have already gone too far down those paths.

The problem is that I am a perfectionist. I can't acept failure. Failing a human being is on a whole other level. Even as much as I have given up on my brother and sister, I still try to teach them things and modify their behavior. I worry about their future way more than I do about their memories of their past. But that's another issue. The point is that a teacher has an almost sacred responsiblity to the children who are entrusted to him. I couldn't live with myself if any of my charges slipped through the cracks. I can't accept that there is a certain probability of it and say I did my best. Not if it wasn't good enough. People mistake my monomaniacal devotion to others' success when I am helping someone along for patience. It's really egotism and other hangups. How could I take over an entire class of adults, some of which are bound to fail, and work them into shape?

I guess I could learn to phone it in, but it really would be a betrayal of myself.

Nonetheless, it is a vital opportunity that I would be foolish to pass up.

In this space, which I use as a mirror and a magnifying glass, I have to accept the possibility that I am really just afraid of failing to even land the job, never mind failing my "students".

I fear and loathe rejection above all else. I have always just not applied to jobs when I thought there was a significant chance I wouldn't get hired. There's just too much at stake for me, emotionally, to be turned down. Even for a job I didn't really want. Just looking for a job is so hard for me.

It's funny. To me, it's such a quintessentially white mindset to feel that you can tell other adults what to do. When I advise people, it's always from a foundation of what I believe is right. It's not a matter of being superior to that person, though they may take it that way. It's just about a job well done, which is my lofty goal and highest ideal.

It's that thing about how the different socioeconomic statuses raise their children differently, based on the life experiences the parents have, and basically what their employers, who are asssumed to be the future employers of their children, expect of them. Upper class children can be more free-spirited, creative, and open-minded, because they are more likely to work in a field/at a position that rewards and requires thinking people. Lower class children are taught to obey the rules, and get the right answers, because that is their future, working on some assembly line, either in a factory or the back end of some fast food restaurant.

I think I am like that Bernard Marx character in Brave New World, in that I should potentially be in the upper crust of society by means of ability, yet something's off, and I can't make it that far. I guess it's different though, because Marx had the ability, but he was just shorter than he was supposed to be, so people disliked him for not being an exemplar Alpha, which turned him bitter. I don't know what my problem is. Am I a Beta who thinks he's an Alpha? Am I stunted because of the things that went wrong in my childhood?

I feel like an Alpha who thinks like a Beta or lower, and is holding himself back. You would think that, knowing this, I would be able to break the chains of oppressive thought and patterns, but I can't.

(once again, I've trailed off. I haven't discussed half of what I wanted to. Huxley said something about humans' capacity for distraction...I'm no exception.)