I can't believe it's been over 2 months since i've wrritten here.  Life has just atken over and I have no idea where it went.  Between a major depressive episode, one daughter breaking her wrist, another suffering a minor concussion, same daughter who broke her wrist, then suffered a major asthma attack.  I've been extremely busy with activities at church - sometimes I think just to stay busy and have things to do.

What's really bothering me today is, I feel very alone in this whole thing.  That i'm the only one who cares.  I'm the only one who has a vision and a dream for hte future.  I want to do so much, but those involved don't seem interested.  I feel like i'm fighting an up hill battle, alone.  They are merely there for the fun and excitement, while I do all the work.  Outside of the church, they don't want to hear about it, think about it and care about it.  Why is it that they only want to deal with it while we are there?  Other than that they don't care.  I don't understand.  Maybe i'm wrong, maybe i have the wrong idea about life nad what is important.  I have many dreams and ideas about life, but no one seems to care about them.  Only one person does, my best friend - but I can't rely on him forever.  I've got to stand on my own at some point and learn how to handle my frustration and anger.  I feel anger so much, because things are not how I think they should be.

Does that make me a bad person?  Or just a dreamer when no one else cares.  I pray today that God will guide my heart in this and show me the peace I so desperately need today and each day of my life. 

I look forward to hopefully doing this more often.  I've neglected my writing here nad hope that I can get back to it more often.  I need it - to vent, to share even if it's to just get it out and hope it makes some sort of sense. 

Til next time.......Smile........God loves us!!!!

Hey there, 

Another day in paradise!  It's been a wild week and i'm beat.  My youngest daughter is having problems with her legs due to medication and a thyroid problem.  My 13 yr old broke her wrist on Tuesday, so was in the emergency room most of the night and then at doctors on Wednesday getting her cast on. 

Hubby is driving me nuts!  He's been home 3 weeks and if he doesn't get a job soon.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We'll just leave it at that.

We are starting our Christmas music for the choir at church.  We started going over it last night, it is so awesome!  I love it.  I can't wait til we do it for the congregation - we'll knock their socks off. 

I go to the doctor in 12 days.  I know i'll ahve to go back on meds, i'm not sure how I feel about it really.  I'm sort of upset, but for the most part I want peace in my mind.  If the meds will help with that, than I guess I have to do it.  I just don't the side effects of the crap.  I've been off meds for 9 months now and have survived, but I know I can't go on forever like this.

My faith has helped me.  Each day I get up and pray that the day will be bright, that I will make it through once again.  It's hard to do sometimes, but I manage.  I have friends who understand, 2 that I can talk too. I found out that someone I talk to at Church is also Bipolar.  I'm going to see if she would mind talking about it.  I need someone who really understands and doesn't mind sharing about it, and need to find out about meds and stuff from people who are there and have tried them. 

I need to run, going for lunch with a friend.

Smile!  God loves us!

Another day in this world!  Sometimes I wonder why?  Why do we have to deal with this crap?

My Bipolar is driving me nuts.  I've been off meds since January, but the last couple months have told me that I may need to go back on them.  Not my first choice, but what else can I do?  It's really starting to effect things in my life and there's not much I can do about it.  It's effecting my friendships and sanity.

Someone had told me that when you have a good weekend, like I did last weekend on the retreat, that the powers against us will come full force.  I felt that yesterday and it's still working that way.  I just feel miserable and alone and depressed and like a freak of nature.  I sent an email to a friend of mine today, telling all of what was going on.  He's a dear friend, knows all about my Bipolar - but i've come to realize that I've relied too much on him and need to figure out how to do this on my own.  Find a good doctor, since we've moved and figure out what i'm going to do with this nightmare of mine.

I was thinking of not going to church tomorrow night, I help with our Outreach on Saturday nights.  I'm not sure yet though - I know I need to, could use the support and prayers of my friends there.

Does anyone have problems making friends?  My biggest thing right now is making friends. I do not trust any females. OK, i'm a female - this makes no sense, but past experience has taught me that they are cold, cruel, mean and uncaring.  Think only of themselves and could care less about anyone else, unless of course they need something.  I"m trying to get past that now and it's very difficult.  I'm trying to be friends with a couple people, but it seems they are too busy for me.  I'm there when they need something, or if we see each other, but other than that it seems they don't have time for me.

I do have a friend that i've become rather close too.  We have a good time together, talk a lot - and it's driving me nuts because i'm just waiting for something to go wrong.  It probably won't, but like I said - prior experience.

I should go for now.  My daughter has a soccer game in the morning, it's an hour drive to get there and she has to be there at 815am!  I think it's going to be early to bed tonight.

til next time my friends...............

Hey, hey, hey.  I just love this Blog thing.  It's too cool.  I've spent most of the day putting my CD's on my new MP3 player.  GOtta love this thing.  It was my b-day present to myself. 

Since last weekend, i've had an amazing insight on life.  It has been a long time since i'd been able to get away like that.  It was more needed than I knew.  Just 2 days in the mountains, even with 12 teenagers - can have an amazing effect on anyone.

I saw the trees, the water, the animals and life in a whole new way.  All that seemed to bother me before, just melted away and didn't seem important anymore.  I knew, for whatever reason, taht i could now face life and that God was with me through it all.  I'm not really alone.  There are days when I really feel like I am, but I know i'm not.  I have amazing friends to share with and will get the chance to do that tomorrow afternoon and evening.  My best friend is a Deacon at my church, without him and his family i'm not sure where I would be.  THey have amazing faith and love for everyone.

I can only hope that one day, that will be in me as well.  I help with our outreach program at church, our 'leader' asked me to do a testimony in the near future.  I'm terrified, but ready.  I'm thinking of putting my testimony on my site here.  Maybe it would help someone else see the true light of God in their lives and know that they aren't alone and that no matter what - He is there for us.

Life is good, my friends!

OK, it's been forever since i've been here to write anything.  The last couple weeks have been crazy and I am hoping that I will be able to calm down soon. 

This week was amazing!!!!!!  I went along with the Youth Group from church on a weekend retreat.  We had 12 teenagers, 6 chaperones, one cabin and in the mountains.  It was unreal and very moving.  These kids are incredible!  Their insight, their thoughts, their faith and understanding just blew us away.  I have never felt so relaxed and full of strength than I do right now.

Being outside for a weekend, spending time walking and admiring nature does amazing things to a person.  The intensity of God's love was so evident in everything that I did this weekend - I'm not sure I can even begin to explain it right now.  I have to let it sink in for a couple days. 

I'll be back soon.....:)

"I'm not ashamed to let you know, I want this light in me to show, I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ!"