Weblog

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Thursday, July 13, 2006

  • i'm lost....

    In a few weeks I’ll be moving down to San Francisco to start culinary school.  This will be the first steps I take to fulfill my culinary dreams, which many of you know has been a dream of mine for a very long time.  so why the hell am I so freaken scared of moving?!  so scared that I’m seriously thinking about not going to SF and moving back home.  every since having my mom up here for graduation I’ve had this major sense of homesickness.  all I ever do is think about just going home and not dealing with anything over here.  every time I get on the phone with my mom I feel like crying.  and it doesn’t help much either when she tells me stuff like "what's wrong?  I know there's something wrong with you?  why aren’t you telling me what's going on?  Ever since I came up there, you haven’t been yourself.  Just tell me what's wrong." or "Why don’t you come home and go to culinary school here?  the same program they have in SF is here too?  and you don’t have to live here with me.  I just want you to come home.  I miss you."  and all I want to do is tell her "yes mommy I want to come home!  I miss you too.  I wish you could have stayed longer after graduation.  Why didn’t you?"

    It freaks me out at how bad I want to go home.  I don’t even know why I’m soo scared of moving down there either.  I mean it's the same thing when I moved up to Washington.  Wasn’t going to know anyone, I wont have any family near by and I’ve never lived there before going to school.  But then at the same time I’m so excited I can’t wait for the summer to be over and just get there.  All the new people I’ll be meeting, all the new things I’ll be learning. Just experiencing a chapter of my life.  But then I think about all things I’ll be missing here.  My friends I’ll be leaving behind, the town I’ve grown fond of with all its little townies and just life in Ellensburg in general.  I know I’ve complained about living in this cow-town, but I don’t think I would have traded school.  I defiantly would not have gotten the same experiences here if I went to another school. 

    I’m just so unsure of what is going to happen to me.  I know I want to go to culinary school, but I don’t know if culinary school wants me.  what if I suck really really bad at it?  and I won’t be able to find a job afterwards.  all that time and money wasted because of my stupid little dream that I had that I thought I could do.  and what if something happens?  I’m not 18 any more.  I can’t bounce back from things like I use to.  I can’t pretend to be a kid anymore and have my parents worry about things in my life.  the choices I make are the ones I have to deal with.  I can’t pretend everything is fine when they aren’t. I’m 24 years old and I’m more unsure of who I am right now then when I was 18!  how fucked up is that?!  I thought I knew who I was in college, but now that I’m not in school I’m not sure anymore...is that normal?  or am I just crazy for thinking that? 

    sometimes I think it's easier to think I’m going crazy.  I mean I know what I’ve wanted to do for the longest time and then when it's almost happening I freak out and don’t want to do it anymore!  what's wrong with me?  I've done almost all the steps I need to take but I’m just dragging my feet on the last few things to do.  and I know that if I don’t do them then I’m royally fucked.  and strangely enough I’m not worried about it.  I think I just need a good kick to the ass to get me going.  but even at that, I don’t know if that will help me. 

    everyone I’ve talked to has told me that I have nothing to worry about and that everything will be fine.  but how do they know nothing' going to happen?  what makes them so sure that I’m not going to royally fuck up on something?  can they see into a crystal ball?  I don’t think so....god what is my problem?!  even I’m tried I hearing my self say this shit.  why can’t I get this knot out of the pit of my stomach?  I am completely lost.......

     

     

Friday, May 19, 2006

  • give me back my papers you fucker!!

    in college we're suppose to learn how to act all grown up but still pretending to be a kid.  that's the beauty of college, you get the best of  both worlds.  well in the last week i learned pretty damn quit what it's going to be like in the newspaper world. 

    this week in the observer we run a story on one of the candidates that was running for our student body government aka Board of Directors (BOD) president.  Ash Gilmore (who the story is about) was charged with second degree murder for his involvement in the accidental shooting of his roommate when he went to Washington State.  you can read the whole story online at our website.  from the very beginning ash was being a complete ass about the whole thing.  he was freakening out, he threatened us with his lawyers.  his dad so much has called the vp of student affairs on us.  and not only were we getting heat from ash and his goonies, but we were getting heat from current BOD members about why we were running the story. Myself, the reporter who wrote the story and our advisor were each approached by three different members of the BOD.  and all my reasons i told them i wrote in this week's observance which can be located online too.  well after the whole fuss about us runing the story i thought all i had to deal with was maybe a phone call or a visit from ash's lawyers. i was informed that they were going to be in ellensburg wed morning. which scared me shitless non the less. 

    well to my surprise i get a phone call wed morning from one of my staff members telling me that he just got an anonymous phone call from a women saying that Gilmore stole all the newspapers on campus and that they were in his garage.  you could have imagined that woke me up pretty dang quit.  the news of the stolen newspapers filtered down through the editing staff.  I WAS PISSED!!  i still am.  well we got another phone call informing us that the papers were in ash's house, we got the address and sent down a photog and two reporters to take pictures of the papers in his garage for the police. a series of other events happened through out the day.  a visit from campus police, the physical handing out of the few papers we did have of the observer, rumors floating around of getting me and Lois (our advisor) fired, couple of "non confrontational" encounters with Gilmore...you know the normal everyday stuff.

    i never would have thought he would actually do something like this.  I mean it was an accident right.  so why the hell was he so freaked out about the story and why did he not want people to know about his past if he had nothing to hide.  i understood why he was concerned about the story.  but he should have known that if he wanted to be a public figure this kind of shit would follow him around.  i mean come on!  how much of a big deal was it when Bush was running for prez and the media coverage he got because of his bad grades in college and him smoking pot?  and i'm pretty sure that most college students are guilty of that.  This was murder!  if it had been any other candidate we would have run the story the same. 

     at the end of the day, we contacted the police, talked to a lawyer, got our papers reprinted and legal action will be taken.  I also found out today that stealing college newspapers (even tho they are free) is a felony.  through out this whole ordeal all i could think about was dont screw up Rachel.  Your ass is on the line.  This is no game, something bad could happen.  I didnt realize how much i grew up in the last eight hours.  I am still going through something that most professional journalist fear and have not and probably never will experience.  i knew being editor in chief was going to be hard and that i had to deal with whatever came my way.  but i never thought it would be something of this magnitude.  i mean holy shit!  i could possibly be responsible for sending a fellow student to jail.  at first i felt for him, but after pulling something like this..it's unforgivable.  what he did was not only legally wrong, but morally and ethically wrong.  he was prohibiting students to vote without the full knowelge of the situation.  he was not going to allow students to come to their own informed conclusion about him and weather or not they want someone like Gilmore to be their next president.  as a journalist, i did what i was suppose to do.  gathered information, presented the truth and reported it to the people.  i stand by my decision of running the story.  i do not regret a single thing nor will i.  no matter the outcome. 

    p.s. i think everyone should read the story, the follow up story and my opinion online at www.cwu.edu/~observer you guys this is some big shit right here.  it would mean a lot to me if you read them, no matter if you agree with me about running the story or not.

     

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Monday, March 06, 2006

  • what have i got my self into?!!

    so it's offical....i will be Editor-in-cheif next quarter.....HOLY SHIT!! if you dont hear from me from now on you'll know why. i'm still now sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. well i guess it's not really a bad thing but i'm just not sure if it's a good thing for me. i mean, it feels good to know that other people think i will do a good job, but i still have my doubts about the whole thing....and drama that's floating around the news room right now. see that's another thing why i didnt want this job in the first place. but that's another story in it's self that i dont want to get into at the moment casue i'm still trying to deal with it. AHHHHHH why am i on this thing i need to be figuring out what i'm going to do my 15 page research paper on that's due on friday!!! somebody help me!!

Top Tags - Weblog

[no tags]

do_it

  • Visit do_it's Xanga Site
    • Country: United States
    • State: Hawaii
    • Birthday: 2/14/1982
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 6/21/2001

Weblog Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

About Me

  • do you want to get to know me? once you're in you'll never find your way out.....

Blogrings

[no blogrings]

Pulse

do_it has no pulse!...

Photostrip

[no photos]