Capricorn December 22 - January 19

For Tuesday, January 9 -Big things are about to happen, and you are a bit less than fully prepared. No one can blame you, what with all the running around you've been doing to help someone else. You will have to rely on your wits for this particular adventure -- which might be just the thing to shake things up in a good way. Your organizational skills have always helped you, but they are not essential to your success -- you'll experience an empowering sense of improvisation.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

Long time since I put my thoughts and feelings on these webpages but I figure its time for me to give the world an update.  I've come to realization that I bullshitted my summer away. I wasnt aggressive enough when it came to actually going to get the job and I had too much pride when i was offered one. Me and her have been back and forth all summer long. I'm tired of being her scapegoat for everything.  I mean she say she love me blah blah blah but let her tell it I cant do nothing right.  A nigga know he far from perfect but in her eyes Im one step above a fuckin mut...AND THIS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE. I show her infinite fucking patience and she gives me a short leash. After a year you would think that she would grow accustomed to my laid back, kinda nonchalant mannerisms. To be continued....

Introspection of a Man! *EXTREMELY LONG*

Damn Man I feel like Dave Chappelle out here. To people on the outside looking in it seems like I'm getting everything I ask for but I feel like going to Africa (figuratively speaking).  People don't understand how stressful this shit can really be. People don't understand how stressful the last two mothafuckin years have been. It was fine before I got in because I was the only one putting the pressure on my shoulders when everybody( well not everybody but a lot of people) thought I was just talking out the side of my neck and a lot of people were doubting me.  The Nay-Sayers were like my fuel and it seemed like everytime I was on E and ready to actually sit back and think about my situation (past, present, future) with a clear head someone would say something that would get me fired up and get me back in my "I gotta shut this mothafucka up” mode.  I got so absorbed in that mindset I made a lot of dumb decisions and ignored a lot of helpful advice because I was set in stone on one thing kinda like I had tunnel vision. Fast Forward...I get into UMD and I make the squad. The day I was told I was on the team I felt joy only matched by a young child on Christmas morning but why? Was it because I really wanted to be on the team or was it because I can finally say to the non-believers never doubt me again? I couldn't tell cuz I was riding a high.  Once word got back about my situation all of a sudden everybody is on my side but they're not cheering for me...they TELLING me I gotta do this and do that now for whatever reason. And just like that doubters become supporters, supporters with expectations at that.  My own expectations were a heavy enough burden but those of other's...let me give an example I would tell somebody I made the team and they would immediately start a rant about "man when you make it to the league this and that" and I'm like hold up you gettin ahead of yourself I'm tryin to worry about scholarship, a spot in fall camp, some basic recognition you know shit like that.  And since I was still riding that high and I knew that no one would was doubting me anymore I tried to take on the burden of meeting other peoples expectations and my own the fuel that drove me. WRONG MOVE! By doing that I gave myself a false sense of I HAVE TO DO THIS and that pressure was unbearable.  Fast Forward again to spring break...I go home and we have no food, no cable , no house phone Why? Because pops is paying outta pocket to put me through school and on top of that I cant even pay for my own haircut or a fuckin meal cuz I'm broke too. I got bill collectors calling my cell phone 4 and 5 times a day cuz I'm broke and they want their money.  But this trip home was like no other with me having absolutely nothing to do and no way to really get away from extreme boredom I began to think.  I began to think about my life and was I doing what I really wanted to do and where I wanted to go if I kept going this direction or even better where would I end up.  I thought about how I ended up where I was and the road I took to get there. My majors in college have been sports management, health education, and criminal justice none of which I really had a interest for but I made myself want to be in those majors because they were all the easiest way to do school and sports as if I were still in high school and I could just bullshit my way through college.  But I have always had one thing that I was really into, the one thing that I really wanted to do, the one thing I could go to school for actually want to learn about and that was business.  Anybody that knows me knows I'm always talking about how we (my niggas) need to be out here getting this money because its out here to get.  They know that I'm always cooking up a scheme to try and get money. Schemes that never get put into place because we would bullshit always had an excuse to lean on. Getting money and turning ideas into money is my passion because I think everyone should live virtually carefree without the thinking dreading the fact they have to get up and go to work the next day. I don't see myself holding no regular job. I can’t see myself going to a 9 to 5 everyday and writing TPS reports.  But still I forcibly pushed aside my passion aside to chase this dream. And I picked majors with no idea of what I wanted to with them. I went to Del St with no idea of what I wanted to do, I left Del St with no idea about what I wanted to do, I went to HCC with no idea of what I wanted to do, I left HCC with no idea of what I wanted to do, so naturally I ended up here at UMD with no idea of what I wanted to do.  I let this dream of football blind me from the reality that is this world.  I started chasing the NFL dream not because I love playing football that much but because I thought that was the quickest way for me to make millions. The same dream that many of my young black brothers from America's ghettos tend to cling to.  I was able to use sports as crutch or better yet an excuse to not work a rinky dink retail job. I told myself when I was 15 that by the time I was 25 I would be a millionaire or that ten year span would be a failure in my eyes. Here I am at the halfway point without a real dollar to my name but make no mistake about it I WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE BEFORE OR AT THE AGE OF 25! Understand that I let football cloud my vision to the point that was all I knew and made myself believe that was all I wanted.  But I can see perfectly clear now (figuratively speaking) and I see an opportunity to get on track with what I really want to do before I start having regrets.  Before I stuck being just another cop with a degree making 45,000 a year living a regular life, a life that I settled for because I was wrapped around a dream.  Most people would say well nigga why don't you go to school for business and play ball which would be a reasonable statement. But here in lies the problem this football shit eats up clock and to be successful with it you gotta put it first (example. I have to miss damn near a whole month of classes just so I can practice wtf?). I'm falling behind in schoolwork because when I do get some free time I cant do homework because my body involuntarily shuts down.  Some people would say that "well other NCAA players do it" which would be a very truthful statement but there's two types of NCAA athlete in my opinion: the scholarship athlete that use his scholarship to springboard him to the pros and the scholarship athlete that uses his scholarship to get him a degree so he can go out into the workforce. I am neither for 2 reasons 1) I'm not a scholarship athlete so I do do what all the other NCAA players do but I just pay to do it like a regular student 2) It doesn't look like I'm going to the pro's and I'm not trying to just get a degree and get a job for the reasons mentioned earlier.  Hopefully my you are beginning to see why I would be second guessing the whole football thing.  But I don't want anyone to take from this that I feel like I wasted my last two years because everything happens for a reason and that was just part of my growth.  I am still growing but I am at a point in my life where decisions I make now are starting to become critical to my life, not just the right now. I had an extra year to bullshit because I graduated high school early. I was ahead of the pack, well the pack has caught up and I don’t wanna be one of those niggas that blinks his eyes and the pack and time has passed and I’m still in the same fucking spot. So I will to continue to take a seriously look at where my life is REALLY headed and where I REALLY want it to go and I encourage you to do the same and when doing so be true to yourself because its one thing to lie to the world but its another thing to lie to yourself...

If you still have confusions/questions/comments please get at me the more I talk about it the better I feel.

Currently Listening T.I. DJ Drama The Leak (Mixtape) T.I.P. Gangsta Grillz Hustle Harder see related