So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows <3

Ha, I only decided right now that I wanted to do a belated "Happy Two Year" post, because we've rediscovered xanga.

So, Happy Two Year, and may there be many more. <3 

And how can they say I’ll never change
They're the ones that stay the same

So, basically, I have come to terms with the fact that some people are just lame. You think you know someone, and then they turn into the kind of person you used to make fun of with them. Ha, I think it's funny how fake you've become. Would people still like you if they knew who you really were? Maybe, because many do and still adore you. But why? I think it's funny how you still keep me in your life for your own personal gain. How stupid do you think I am? You still think you can use me, but you're wrong. I'll be gone soon, and by then, I doubt you'll ever see me again. Good luck trying then. You see, your problem is you refuse to commit, to anything. How long have you been friends with your best friend? Oh wait. You ditched them all and have moved on to a new group. That's funny, because if they decided to walk out of your life today, who would you have to catch you tomorrow? No one? Hm, imagine that. But you don't care, because you don't think it'll ever happen to you. Well guess what? Life will hit you, it'll hit you like it has hit everyone else in this world. Charm won't last forever, you know. So enjoy the time you have with it.

But, in any case, for all the shitty people in your life, at least there are always those who you know you can always count on, no matter what. Yeah, we fight and sometimes wanna punch each other in the face, but my best friends have always been there. I'm sorry if I haven't always done the same-- I was a hopper at one point, but what can I say? I'm dedicated. lol.

Gab, dude, we've been best friends for over 10 years! That's insane! We might as well be married. lol. I'll admit, some things about you drive me crazy, such as always whining about your looks. Why can't you just accept that you're gorgeous? GORGEOUS. You don't know how jealous I am of you sometimes. It's a good thing I love the phrase "You're only as hot as your friends are", because that means I'm pretty stylish myself. lol. I have no idea what I'm gonna do when I'm in college. Not having your best friend in school? What kind of crazy world is that?! I guarantee my first night I'm gonna call and whine about how I'm not mature enough to handle this craziness, and to yell at you for not talking sense into me about sticking around a little longer. lol. But, I did have a vision: Getting a bunch of crazy people and doing the Superstar dance in the Quad. It'll truly be epic. :D Though, in all seriousness, you're gonna have to come down almost every weekend so we can scope out hot guys, rant about people we hate, and talk fashion, you know, typical girl stuff, with a twist, of course. Thanks for always being there for me and having your parents ready to beat the crap out of my "boyfriend". lol. And you know you're always welcome to escape to my doom room whenever you need to. <3 

Daz, child, what a roller coaster. Who knew that getting gum stuck in my hair would change our lives forever? You are some strange child to be attracted to a person like that. lol. But, with all the things we've been through, you think we've known each other our entire lives! Or we're just like an old married couple-- maybe I'm mormon? I am from IL. :D Ha, you know, dating one of your best friends has had it's perks. I like how I can rant to you about, well, you. It's what friends are for, right? Complaining about the ups and downs of your relationship(s) with. Ha Ha. And, by the way, I'm not bitter, I just happen to be extremely good at finding the shitty side of people, bringing it out, shoving it in other peoples faces, and having the pleasure of creating an army against a single individual. If you break up with me, at least you know what you'd be facing. The wrath of Gabby, and that is a scary place. I mean, you can ask her. I was on Nick like a bull tearing human flesh apart with his horns. You don't mess with us. lol. But, in other news, you are the cheese to my macarooni, which is funny because you hate cheese, but it just goes to show how that's impossible for anyone. lol Thanks for always being there for me, and for giving me more chances then I deserved after I messed everything up. :D

Annnnd, when it comes down to it, those are the people who have been a constant rock in my life. Who knows where I'd be without them? Maybe in a nudist cult. You never know. But, they're the reason why I commend to long lasting friendships. What's the point in sharing a life with someone if you just plan to get rid of them? You're only missing out on the good things in life. Manipulation can only go so far-- you'll be going home to an empty house, and no missed called on your cell phone. What a life.

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.

BecauseIcouldnotstopforDeathIt'salove/haterelationshipHekindlystoppedformeifevenconsideredone.The CarriageheldbutjustOurselvesAndImmortalityAnd,withthat,alotofhateandbitterness.Weslowlydrove,heknew nohasteAndIhadputawayAnd,bytheway,yes,Iwasbornjusttomakeyoumiserable.Mylaborandmyleisuretoo,For hiscivilityOrmaybeasawayforyoutoseeyourownreflection.WepassedtheSchool,whereChildrenstroveAtrecess intheringScary,isn'titWepassedthefieldsofgazinggrainWepassedthesettingsun.Makesyougointoaworldcalled denial,doesn'titOrratherhepassedusThedewsdrewquiveringandchillTheSadpartisthatIstillpityyou.Foronly Gossamer,mygownMytippetonlytulleYes,pity,notlove.WepausedbeforeahousethatseemedAswellingofthe groundYousee,youthinkthatIpushyouaway,butthefunnythingisthatit'syouwhocausessomanytearsforthose aroundyou.TheroofwasscarcelyvisibleThecorniceinthegroundHowdoesitfeeltocarrythatburden?Ibetitsucks.

Since then 'tis centuries and yet
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity

Finally, I'm letting go
Of all my downer thoughts
In no time there'll be
One less sad robot

Okay, so, first things first. I thought about finally letting go of this xanga (since no one uses it anymore), and moving on with my life. Then I realized I couldn't do that, because one, who cares if others use it or not and two, too many memories linger between these pages. Besides, maybe one day I'll become famous, then I can publish this xanga and my other one, and become... more famous? lol. I'm pretty lame. >>;; But, I like people being able to find me (which sounds creepier than intended). I've lost contact with a lot of people, and if they remember that this place exists, then they can remember me and maybe contact me. That's always good-- getting in touch with your past. What a special occasion. :D

Confess to me
All that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

So, basically, I've been pretty upset about a couple things. First off, body image. I'm so sick of people rambling about how fat they are. Then do something about it, people! It's not that difficult. And, starving/vomiting your problems away only makes you look gross. Guys like curvy babes, am I right? The song "Baby Got Back" exists for a reason. :D And, I understand we all have our days. Please, I have emo days too about my curvy existence, but over-all, I love it. I look at so many people trying to impress nobody's, and what for? If you want a hot body, be prepared to deal with jerk-face guys. Real guys will not like you for your body, but for your minds (ha, but if you don't have a mind, I'm sorry).

But, speaking of jerky guys, one of my best friends parents are getting a divorce. Yeah, divorce happens all the time, but I can't help but be just as emotionally distressed by this as the family. I mean, my parents have the opposite of an ideal relationship, so their family was my hope that a happy american family can exist. I never thought in 523097584252 kazillion years that he would cheat on her. I just can't believe it! She's perfect, they were perfect. And, the worst is, it was with a younger women. Like, could be my older sister younger. Why are some guys such pigs? It makes me want to chuck a vase at someone's head. I guess it just shows that real things happen to real people, and it sucks but you just have to move on. Still, I'm just being stubborn about everything-- I hate some forms of change. :/

I talked so much, I'm sure
I didn't realize I'd gone crazy

Okay, well, on the brighter side of everything (fyi: girl moment here), I got the cutest graduation dress. A hot pink one, and it's all flowy and it's simply me. I'm sure everyone has that moment when they see something, and they're like "That's it. I just know", whether it's love, a college, a dress, or whatever... I love how I throw something deep such as "love" with things like a dress. Where have my standards run off too?

But speaking of love, I love being in love. It's so... birds flying in the sky. Wow, that was a poor... whatever it was, but that's okay. I love having my best friend be my advisor, my editor, my lover, my companion, my cheerer-upper, my everything. And you know, that's why you have to be in a relationship for the compatibility, not for the appearance. Sure, you may not have arm candy, but you gain so much more. And, I definately look at things through a realistic lens, and, this is definately one of those "I just know it"s. With everyone else I've been in a realtionship with, it was a "Oh, he loves me? Well, okay, I guess I love him too", but not this time. And that's an awesome feeling, and I hope it stays that way for a very long time.

Love lifts us up where we belong

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

So, basically, once again I am just standing in the middle of a desert. No matter which way my instincts decide to take me, none are going to be very promising. And that's the problem when you're a little bit confident in your assumptions. You just get screwed over. Again, and again, and again. I guess that's why they say too much can be a bad thing-- it's just a matter of knowing when it has been too much. And how are you suppose to know? Is a magic "I know when too much is bad" fairy going to knock on your window and be all "Okay, it's time to take a couple steps back from type a situation and move on to type b", which in itself would both be creepy and sound like you're about to get a weird disease.

Ha, but maybe you do get a little sign here and there. "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)" just so happened to start playing on my current pandora radio station. It never plays this song-- destiny? Probably. God was looking down at my rant and being all "Bwaha, I'm high and mighty I will just prove her wrong!".

Heh, but in any case friends don't work like that. I think the problem is that they're people too, and you really can't say what their next move is, because you have no idea what their thought pattern is.

For instance, my friends are completely unpredictable, and the reason for my rant. A couple months ago, I was convinced that the actions of one was in spite of everyone. She was constantly blowing people I thought were important to her off, and devoting herself to work. She just seemed so cold, but, now that I look back, she was probably just sick of everyone's shit. No one wants to deal with half of this high school drama, and while I don't even know if that was the reason, I feel like a shitty person for trying to denounce everything we've had because of that. I was just convinced that she didn't want anything to do with me, and I know that's not true (well, I guess it could be, but, for the sake of argument we'll say it's not). I was a complete bitch to her in a couple circumstances, and I remember a while back we had a sleepover, and it was the most awkward thing ever. I was like "what is this?", and I was convinced it was because I didn't have any gossip to tell her. I did, but I was sneaky and testing her like a rat in a cage (great song, eh? :D) which was wrong of me too. It was probably just because we weren't being honest with each other, which is why I texted her asking if we could hang out. And if she just happens to read this before hand, I'm sorry. I don't wanna lose our friendship, and even though we've grown to be such different people, best friends can't die that fast... can they?

Okay, well, getting out of my origional rant and now coming back in, most of the people in my life I'm ready to throw a brick at. And now I know why she was trying to avoid all this shit-- because it's unneccessary shit. For instance, one of my good friends feels the need to ditch me everytime a certain group is around (or, actually, anyone she knows) who are my "friends" too. I don't know what the crap she's trying to prove, but it's annoying. Yeah, a best friend ditches her when they see not as close friends. That's great. And then we were suppose to hang out, and I told her that I could only do so tonight. So she calls me, tells me she's hanging out with this group (yeah, the ones supposedly my friends too) and tells me they're all going to the mall so I need to hang out with her earlier. It's not even a "why don't you come too" but it's just bull shit. And it's annoying. Not only that, but all she talks about is how fat she is (and, btw, there is not a piece of fat on her). She's the biggest attention whore on the planet, and while I'm sure she loves all the attention, I hate people like that. My close friend recently was thinking of commiting suicide to the point where I got a "goodbye" text message, and you think I wanna deal with her crap? Ahhhhh. It's just annoying. And I probably sound lame, but I hate dealing with things like this. We're 17/18, and you think you know the time and place for trying to get people's attention. And it's just rude to rant to people about how fat you are when the people you're ranting to are way bigger. And I've asked her to stop, but it never does.

And I hate when people try to get information out of me. If I have something on my mind, I'll tell you if I feel like it. If you ask, I'm not going to want to. Because you know what happens? "Oh, that's whats bothering you? Well, that's not good gossip, so, whatever" and then they go back to their regular shit. AHHH. It bugs me so much.

<sigh> I've honestly given up on humanity. I guess people never learn. And I guess it's too much to ask people to open their eyes a little more.

If you've ever seen Across the Universe, there's this one beautiful (yet weird) image of these naked blue girls, with really long black hair. And, they're just kind of falling backwards into the ocean. And though I'm currently not blue, naked, or someone with black hair, that's kind of what I feel like doing. Just falling back into a big black abyss. Well, it wasn't an abyss, but it looks like a relaxing enviroment in the meantime.

Heh, and as you can see I'm so glad it's spring break. I just need that break from everything. And you can tell when I haven't posted in while, because it's always unbearably long. But, I always like reading peoples rants, so if anything at least it's a time-waster?

What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation

On a slightly brighter note, senoritis has offically devoured my brain. I don't care about anything anymore, which is probably a really bad mindset. But I'm just ready to start my life, and especially to go to college. It'll be so fun, and for the first time in my life I'll be able to relax. Well, maybe not, but at least it's somewhat of an escape from something that I'm bi-polar about.

Okay, a slightly smaller step. I can't wait for prom. And then for spring break. And then for college. lol. I don't think there's anything I'm not looking for? Oh, yeah, going back to school. >>;; Ha, it's really not that bad. And I know I'm going to miss all my friends so much. Ugh, this year I've made such close friends, which probably wasn't wise, but it was so worth it. I'm just gonna miss them so much. But, hey. Thank goodness for the internet. It makes things so much better. I'm so glad to be a "tech-child".

Would you wait if I came running home to you?
Distance is never on our side
It only seems to make our dreams collide

And then there's my "love life", which is always a complicated matter, but no one seems to understand how stressful and how much it takes away from me. Every time Eric leaves, I feel like a piece of me has just vanished with him, and it's so hard to go to school and be "happy" and "energetic" and "crazy" like I used to be. I just don't have the motivation. I don't wanna say I'm depressed, I'm just bruised, and I just stopped caring to impress people. If they wanna see me like I used to be, give me a lot of sugar or some wine-- that always gets me talking. xP

But in all seriousness, people don't understand what it's like to live 89714896235 miles apart, or in my case half way across the country. People are so judgemental. It's not that I'm doing it because I can't get anyone out here (though in my depressed stages I'm convinced that's it), but because I don't wanna deal with anyone out here. Time and time again I've passed people by, and sometimes it's even intentional. I'm happy with where I am, it's just hard and people don't understand how much it weighs you down. We're lucky if we get to see each other once a year-- I'd like to see everyone I know attempt to handle that and then try to be all exciting all the time.

Ha, I question things far too much. But, today, my expertise is in killer whales from norway and hippos from africa. Go figure.

<3./Manda