I am sooo sad. I never thought I would in my entire life sign up for this Xanga thing. But I just needed to write to be free to express the muddled thoughts causing this anger and torment inside of me.

I witnessed something the other day that I never thought I would witness ever; the death of an 18 year old close to billy. I cant help but think... But what I be doing if this were my sister? I know what I would do I would be on my knees screaming for humanity. Even writing this entry right now is difficult. The back of my neck is throbbing, I feel like I am going to throw up violently (especially as a cook a steak for lunch tomorrow and it has one minute remaining). I want to scream right now at the TOP OF MY LUNGS. Its not fair.... Timmy inspired people when he met them. He was a good kid that was just supposed to learn a lesson not have his life taken from him. I have been looking threw pictures on facebook and am happy that in his short existence he does have such wonderful memories for his mom and dad and others to share in. Everyone always says that life is too short. I disagree life is just senseless. And that is what makes me scared. I have been in my apartment for the last days scared. I am scared of being here alone. I am scared at existence at how easy these seconds dont matter. I am scared for the man I love. I think of these things... What if it were billy sitting there? I would never be able to handle it. That scares me to death I can handle everything. Everyone at work has been so supportive. I feel like I just want to scream at everything at this world at this event but for some reason I can't. My body won't let me scream instead I just have these thoughts, these fears, this terrible feelings. I want my boyfriend to be here. I want my boyfriend and his whole family to not be in pain. I hate pain, I try to avoid it at all costs. Oops. My steak is done. For some reason I have all of a sudden derived pleasure out of good. Good bless all the departed souls. They say that in every end there is a new beginning but for some reason I feel like this is just an end: an end of innocense. I always thought this quote was silly, but for some reason it seems so applicable right now:

" I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so. "