the 2 year mark

Elusive yes?  In my case, it is almost like a Sisyphus-ian curse (apologies for the literary reference stuttering - after helping my boyfriend pass Music Hum, Lit Hum appears to be the next challenge)... relationships that start with so much potential and so much promise and - if one were to compare it to a physics problem - appear almost like a stone rolling down a steep incline but then rolling up a continuous uphill (because - let's face it - passion, excitement, unpredictability and the such slowly wane over time) and eventually coming to a complete stop.  For me, this is almost always around the two-year mark.  My first relationship in high school is the only one that lasted past two years - and even then there was a break up somewhere in the middle of that... and to be honest, the momentum was different - not as intense, I think, just because learning someone else's full person... their secrets, insecurities, dreams... when you are open to someone like that the first time, it is an exhilarating experience, regardless of the person, and so you settle for someone who may not be the best fit to begin with (especially when filled with the naiive dreams and schemes of destined souls meeting by chance!).

It's kind of sad - youth, that is.  I had a really heart to heart discussion with my mom that really affected me soon after Christmas, which was spent at my boyfriend's home crying hysterically because of some silly, mean comments.  Somewhere in the middle of the discussion she confided in me that being young and marrying so early (at 22!  I am past my prime ) was, in part, due to insecurity.  Insecurity that no one else will love you the way this person does.  Almost as if you are a company that wants to IPO without an investment bank - so you go around to random people you meet and negotiate with the one that seems like the best fit and get a price that is most likely at a discount, since you don't have the benefit of efficient markets.  But I am digressing.  Luckily for my mom, she met a great guy and I think that now they are both very happy and secure together, and a great role model of a strong marital relationship for me.  But the point of the discussion was not to rely on luck.  It is that you should never let insecurity rule your relationship, because few people are so lucky as my parents.

I remember I was stupid, naiive, innocent enough in college to take someone's advice that you should love openly, completely at the risk of being vulnerable, because at the worst, you will learn and you will grow.  I completely disagree.  I think that a strong understanding of the self and what your needs are is the best way to ward off guys who may care for you for the moment, but who will screw you over either by wasting your time in the long run or by trying to scheme you into liking them in the short run since they are into the chase instead of fit.

I'm really rambling here, but it's just that this is a bit of a weird time for me... For most of senior year in college, I was single for the longest time since I had started dating, and, at the time, it was as if the whole world around me had stopped.  Life, for me at least, tends to be bipolar - either you have it all or nothing.  I would walk around campus and feel as if no one saw me, unless I participated in the classroom which - while invigorating - was not the way I wanted to be valued by the people around me.  In contrast, now that I have finally, I think, met the person I want to be with for very long time, it's as if there is an overload of attention.  Every morning when I walk to work, most times when I take a car ride home, when I am entering my office, the few times I go out - the male attention is almost ubiquitous.  It hardly ever tempts me (except for once, but that was justified since it was only because I was looking for a certain other type of exit opportunity, but that is not the point) - but it distorts your view of the world.  You feel so desired and invincible you gain a sense of cockiness that is the opposite of singledom insecurity... you begin to wonder if this really is it.  You begin to wonder if you, as per the aforementioned metaphor, have found a bidder who has scammed you into a value below market price.

Thankfully, wisdom, experience and the such make me very grateful for the relationship I have with J.  Though J has noticed an - as we say in banking - "uptick" of PMS-y fights and naggings, he knows me well enough to always question "is this because of your stupid horoscope?" "You are taking the two year mark way too seriously!"  "are you hungry?  dammit! why didn't I remember to bring granola bars on THIS day??"  But the two year mark does begin to loom in the near future.  I doubt it will really change anything, but I suppose I am, at the very least, grateful for the momental inertia of this relationship... the way that J is really unpredictable, how his little schemes and "isms" annoy me to no end but secretly have me smiling at work at the absurdity of it, how he takes away the pressure, how he (with training) learns to better himself and our relationship, how he takes care of E even though they don't get along, how he comes up with the cutest sayings, how his bizzare personality is so out there but also so understandable by any acquiantance... and a million other things.  But for anyone who knows me, first and foremost and by far the best thing he has ever done (other than make my tea from 2 AM - 5 AM for 3 months my first year of banking - tho even he admits that was in the "honeymoon phase") has been to be patient with me, taking each day at a time with relentless focus and complete ignorance of meaningless benchmarks, time or otherwise.