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dubbysweets
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State: Arkansas
Birthday: 8/31/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Wisdom, the Bible, Religion, Reality, BOOOOOOKS!!, Tea, Art Art Art, Photography, Laughing my Face off, Music, Getting down With my Bad self, anything involving glue or tape, Movies, Video Games, Washing my hands, Taking bubble baths, Anything vintage, out of control jewelry, Your Mom, Psychology, Kids, Helping People, Cooking, Sewing, ebay and amazon, Jim Hensen creations, Singing, rocking out, talking, naps, Eating, and trying not to screw up myself or others any more than we already are.
Expertise: Smiling big.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  dubby5968
Member Since:
5/20/2004
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| So I've been really trying to clean my act up lately, both inwardly and out. Really I've been doing a decent job. I feel better emotionally than I have in a long time. I have more of a realistic plan for the next year. It may be a terrible looking plan, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet. The only thing that is frustrating me, wearing on me, even making me lean a little toward the depressed side is my friends. I know I have a complex and some esteem issues at times, but I'm really feeling disconnected. Part of this I did myself. But now that I'm trying more, trying to be more responsible, well apparently no one's having it. I've tried to ask what I can do, what the problem is, but everyone kind of just sits there, looking at me. Again I find myself lonely. Lonely for the truth about what's wrong. Lonely for closeness. And this is what it started to feel like when I really broke down at Harding. All my friends started hanging out without me, talking about me even, and just all around not liking me. I want to run as far away from that feeling as possible. I want to fix it before everything has left me. I just don't understand. I don't have to be the first thought on everyone's mind, or even the second or thirtieth, just somewhere I'd like to know that people that I've poured my blood sweat and tears into, and they've poured into me is not in vain. Shit. You'd think that after having such a strong bond, going through so much and surviving together would ensure you some trust, some communication, some honesty, but I guess everyone's gotta do what they've gotta do to stay sane, and if pruning back on friends is the deal, then so be it. Above all I want my friends to be well and loved and safe. If that has nothing to do with me, so be it. Jeff said it best when he said that he hated the idea that anyone would have to fight for their friends. Me too. The art of trying never goes unappreciated though. | | |
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It's time to get into the sun...even if it's alone.
God has been so god to me, it seems especially when I don't deserve it. I never deserve it, but I especially haven't deserved it lately. I'm back in school. They are even giving me financial aid, maybe even enough to pay Harding off and be able to graduate!
Also one of my very best friends is getting married. I cried a little when she told me and I cried a lot when I was telling some friends later about it. It just made me reflect on my last few years. The things we've all been through. I love life. Honestly. Every part of it. Even when it's terrible. All of it. | | |
| "a true friend praises you in your absence, and saves any criticism for your ears alone" -ruth cullen
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| I wish I could be who I wanted to. It sounds easy enough. I'm not fake or lying, but I feel a little uncommitted at times. To anything. Detached. This is my documented psychological defect or malfunction, but it's in my nature to believe that I can change, and I can change anything. No professional has ever been able to tell me where the line lies between my nature (unchangeable) and that which I can resolve to change or create within or of myself. I certainly haven't been able to discern myself or I would have written the book years ago.
I dominate conversations and social interactions (non-sexual). I have a hard time showing others that I genuinely care. I have a hard time recognizing and maintaining boundaries. I laugh at the wrong times and can't explain why. I rarely make my way to any sort of middle ground regarding anything. I have little self discipline.
No matter how much I try to change or even regulate some of these issues I never seem to make it work. Or by the time I feel as if I'm gaining ground, it's too late for somebody and they write me off. We all think we have each other figured out at least to such an extent that we feel obliged to arrive at a place of judgment or decision regarding one another. Something was quoted on TV tonight that spoke to the fact that if we simply knew one another completely and honestly that we would neither idolize nor hate anyone. I can't say I agree to boot, but generally it speaks truth. We all fall short. We are all rotting corpses waiting for someone to come and love us. There are a million and one variables in any given circumstance/event/equation and it is not my job to unveil them all. I guess more simply put; I shouldn't worry so much about making things work. It'll come or pass and I will be just fine.
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| Saw III Premier tonight at Midnight. Yup. I'm stoked. Rocky Horror on Tuesday night. If you want something amazing to do on Halloween you should come to the Market St. theater at 9 dressed and ready for a true experience. Also bring ten bucks. And a camera. | | |
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