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| I've cried when it comes to my family.
for the million times my mom has hit me as a child growing up
for the many times i've felt like a horrible son
for the loss of my dad..
many tears have been shed, and it's just one of those thing.. you know, it's supposed to make you stronger.
When it comes to friends, I've never cried before.
for the many many times I feel like I fucked up as a friend
for the one time I was told 2 inches from my face
it's strange how weird it feels.
When it comes to something that's always there, blood bound, if one cries, it's alright, simply let it out and get it off your chest and leave it at that.
but when it comes to friends, something that you can just throw away and start anew elsewhere... I really have no idea where to go with it these tears.
it's awkward.
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| Ivy So lost her wallet =(
but she's calling bmo, and they're going to take care of everything.
ps: she gets her drinks covered today. woot for drinks! | | |
| Browsing through my subscription list of content that was published within the last two months got me to think about a few things.
It seems I haven't been thinking as much as I used to. I remember the days back in high school, I loved the feeling of logging onto my xanga to write a new weblog-entry.
It would be a rush. I would commence typing, and ideas, theories, and a scattered message would just form in the midst of my typing.
How I long for that feeling to come back. It's not that I don't log on to xanga anymore. Though, I rarely do. However, it's when I do log on, there is no longer a passion, an excitement to type my heart away onto a weblog.
Those previous xanga blogs of thoughts, ideals, theories, and scattered messages of senseless meaning that was searching for something deeper... It's safe to say those potential blogs no longer resides in my brain anymore.
This lack of metaphysical search for something more saddens me quite a bit. I guess back in high school, I was trying to find myself. Searching, seeking, typing it all out to see where my thoughts will take me.
I wanted to understand the world, come up with conclusions, and appreciate the world around me.
My goal was not to see all the colours of the world, but to understand why those colours are the only ones that exist.
I had some good runs, some good thoughts, and some great conversations amongst friends. But at the end of the day, everything just seems to fade into an abyss. Very rarely was anything transcribed as a bold and meaningful message, but at least I saw something in my day-to-day schedule.
These days, even more rarely is anything even anything at all.
My life lives like a day planner, passing through morning to night just to complete the responsibilities set in front of me.
Ever since university started, my search for meaning seemingly ended. No longer concerned about the spiritual or the philosophical, my mind is set on how to land a job and make enough money sufficient to live out my ideal worldly image of a stable and satisfied life: 1 wife, 2 cars, 3 kids, and 4000 sq feet of housing to call my own.
What more can i say? I wish I could go back to ignorance, not to say I am any closer to the light now, and just post up my random thoughts to my heart's content.
I wish life was more than just a list of what I have to accomplish today.
Is losing sight of what "doesn't matter" what adulthood implies?
It seems the lack of answers, the lack of further contemplation, the abundance of apathy is what growing up is all about.
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| fuck motivational advice.
fuck cheesy one-liners that fill you up with hope.
here's the facts- cold, hard, and told like it is.
No matter how bad you feel about your current situation, look back to a time when you were happy, think about the source of that happiness, and realize it's currently still very much present.
=)
that was my personal uplifter.
Now... i must try to believe what i preach.
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| somewhere along the lines of brotherhood, i got lost and pondered into existance, my own beliefs, my own values, virtures and vice, about what brotherhood really meant.
classic: bro's before ho's.... we all hear that saying far too many times, but brotherhood takes into consideration much more than what is literally implied by that statement.
i might be lost, i might be wrong. but, above all else, my conception is what rings true to me, and it's what i follow... even if, in the end, it only leads to my own downfall.
a quick side note, for all those that care, my mom is full of advice, and many times, she's full of critical discouragement. One thing she has kept saying that seems to prove true everytime:
ur attitude towards others, you being so nice, will only lead to your mistreadment... you are stupid, can you not see what is happening.... YOU ARE BEING USED.
When i heard her say that, every time she second doubt's my friends morals and attempts... i mentally shake my head... i disagree.. i believe that my friends are there for me.
i fall on that belief: Bro's before ho's. but put more practical, you look at that statement with common sense applied. Even if a friend insist...INSIST... you to act one way, if, by ur reasoning and understanding of yoru friend, are aware he wants the other... u will help him out.
Today, i put a friendship on the line. i pretty much set out mystandard of what it means to be a brother, and just left the converstating standing at that. To me, you are either in, or you are out. I rather you give me nothing, than that half ass bullshit.
especially if you are someone i will spend most of my time with. So, instead of being thrown into a position of constant disappointment, i threw out what i expected, and left it at that.
I dont know.. you guys can tell me ur own opinions, but i truely, and strongly believe... bros are bros. and that is the final commitment, u just have to stand strong and be there for them. use ur fucking brain, and determine what they want, and stick through, regardless of ur own self interest. thats what it entails. and i know, many of u already hold this kind of bond between a brother. but i also know, many of u...DOnt. because it's not common, because u never had the chance to grow up with someone. and really, in the end... i dont fucvking care. i say that all too often. i dont fucking care. but really,and i will only say this once, what i mean is this: if someone cared enough about what i cared about, then they will realize, i care more than anything else.
i dont want to limit my appreciation. but i got to give thanks and honour right now.
thank you Eirc chu, jeff liu, u guys have truly been there for me, no matter how RIDICULOUS my request were. u just said to urself "fuck it" and stuck by me.... that, beyond anythign else, means so much. and i even KNOW that u wont read this cuz u dont have xanga nor do u have facebook. but i just wnana make clear everyone knows i appreciate it. jeff... u know what im saying. i asked for some crazy fucked up shit, and u been there. eric... always man. fuck.
to the others, douglas tam, amy ho, jonathan james and family... thank u very mcuh.. and so many others of u. who, when i called for, were there for me.... a million thanks.
times like these, messy times like these, i just realize, be thankful for what u have, not sad about what u dont. so thank u. ... honestly, whatever, if the brotherhood wasnt there. then it wasnt there. i just want to make my opinions and heart clear. i had x amount to offer, and if u wont offer that amount back, u can go find another friend. im not about that fake friendship business. i dont care about being nice as an fascade. fuck that. and thats that.
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