Alone. Holding On. And Hoping. The days get drearier as they pass turning into weeks and months before I can even realize what the time or the date is. I wake up and go through the motions, yet somehow end up right where I woke up a quarter past two every night wondering where the day went. Memories seem fonder, valued, and a lifetime away. A kiss on the cheek, the warmth of my hand being held and the presence of someone with me. Not just with me as in sitting next to me or talking to me, someone with me internally and personifying that by sitting next to me. The memories fueling me to do the meaningless things I am responsible for doing, are getting used up quickly. Things move around me, sometimes so quickly that they blur, but I am standing still in comparison to them. It’s being alone when people are around you. Like in New York. You turn right and all you see are people, you turn left, you look in front of you and behind you and for as far as you can see, all you see is people. People in cars, People in shops, people crossing the street. Everywhere you look it’s crowded. Black people, white people, brown people, smelly people, pretty people, really good looking People, really ugly people, old people, little people. People everywhere. Alone, is that moment when you look at all those people and not a single one is a familiar face. Not a single one is someone you can talk to. That is alone. My cell phone became my lifeline to talk to the people that I cannot see and now I glance at it, and even it looks tired. Even it looks like its just tired of waiting, of hoping that the phone will ring with some good news, that someone will call you and say something that’ll make the clouds part. Now after so long, I resort to writing. I don’t really even know what I’m writing half the time. All I know is that it makes sense. It makes sense in my head; it makes sense to my fingers typing. It makes sense to my heart. There is nothing I have to justify; it’s just between me, a few words, and a blank page. All I know is that it makes sense, so I keep typing. Sometimes, more often then not, tears will drip and I won’t even realize it till my vision is blurry. You’re so defeated that you don’t even realize it till you don’t want to lift your head to look up again, because there’s just no point to look up at the sun again, when all you really feel is darkness enveloping you. And if it was just darkness it wouldn't’t be a really big deal, but it’s the ache and the pain that comes with it. They say that you can love someone so great that it can consume you. What they should say is that when you love someone far away, it can kill you. Slowly but surely. So you keep holding on, for those few memories that made it worthwhile in the past, in the tiny ray of hope that you will have an opportunity to build more memories. What makes it harder still as the days pass is that you can feel your fingers slipping. You can feel your knuckles tighten and your mind is screaming to be stubborn and make your will stronger- but what you don’t realize is that as your fingers slip, a little bit of your heart slips away too, which makes the fight so much harder, because now you have more at stake. So you keep holding on hoping that you can once again let go and he’ll be there to catch you. So you hold on because you know, he needs to see you holding on to get to where you are in time to be with you. You hold on because if it were just your heart- you would manage, but his heart rests with you. You hold on yet because you know that he's battling his demons to hold on too but cannot see yours, you know that he is only holding on because you give him strength to do the same. It would be so easy to let go, you could sustain the injuries to yourself, but knowing you took his hope away is what will break you. So you hold on and cling to that tiny ray of hope for him, knowing that he is doing the exact same for you. That is where I allow my energy to be consumed, just to hold on and have hope. I focus on only these two things to get me through the day. And when I am done, I have no energy for anything else. | 
