suicide tonight

hey hey lets suicide tonight

we cant live forever

mortality for the weak

suicide suicide lets die tonight

not too good today. im worried about holding my sleeping pills. im so tired but alot is on my mind.i dont wana wake up tomorow.whats the point anyway. my emotions havnt returned since last saturday.feeling very low..im no where near perfect.. i godamn wana see my weight drop down below 50 already.feeling weak and tired..in no mood to be chappy.

give me my medication!

okay..now that im officially on anti deppresents, they dont seem to be alot in effect. im supposed to take them in the morning but i take them at night along with my sleeping pills so i sleep easier...proly have to try taking them in the morning soon...otherwise ill get yelled at by my doctor. :s BUT THEIR MAKING ME HELL TIRED.crap

havnt had a good day in the past week. sorry i havnt been updating for those who read this...anyway me an glenn are not going to happen, and that guy i saw( daniel) i saw him again and were going to see each other again sometime this week. probably going to end up fucking each other again. least i wont be sexually frustrated.hehe

work bores the shit outa me. leave my head to mull over things i shouldnt mull over. i was really tempted to take all my sleeping tablets last night. didnt feel like waking up in the morning. i sat there staring at my medication bottle and poured all of them out in my hand. took alot of me to put them back.

so im all alone working here in the store.no one to talk to, no customers right now. bored to shit. somebody plz buy a frigin wedding dress already.

glenns really pissed off at me. he told me he has intentions of going out again but he wanted to gimme some time. i made out with a random at a club when we were all out together clubbing. he saw. hes not talkin to me now. maybe its better this way. i dont want anyone to have feelings for me right now.aparently he called me a slut. but im okay with it surprisingly. emma wants to tell him about my deppression and maybe be less pissed at me. i dont know how that would make him less pissed though. but i do feel like i dont know who i am anymore and my actions dont really have any reason...acting on impulse.

lately ive been doing 100-200 cals intake evryday. no results yet. crossed fingers that ill drop to 50 kg soon.

im so tired

i went to withdraw from uni today...finally! im no longer enrolled in my course. i havnt filled in a refund form though, i have to do that next week..

one goal down, thousand more to go..tomorow i have to try and make an appointment with my psychiatrist for next week, so i can get her to write me a med certificate for my refund....sigh.....

tomorrow i also have a date with glenn..i dont know why i said it was okay for us to date. i dont know..i dont want a rebound boy, i wana be fine on my own..cuz i personally think using others to get over someone is abusive to their feelings.....also because i kinda dont want to get over ashley.damn u ashley, why did u have to be such a good, nice, normal perfect guy....

talking about guys....daniel hasnt called me back. i went over to his house on sunday and things went pretty well...i wonder whether he would call me soon...or maybe hes waiting for me to call him.

my best friend emma asked me to ask her boy griffin( which is also a close friend of mine), whether their still together or not. Griffin is suffering deppression too, although his is more severe than mine...ive lost count of his suicide attempts. he told me he still had feelings for her but he feels emotionally unstable. i think i sort of understand what hes talking about. he also said that sometimes he hates emma. emma was upset to hear this from me but i tried to explain to her that its normal we get easily irritated. she didnt understand.

kinda upsetting really.their both getting so hurt. sometimes i wished the whole world has deppression so they we dont feel alone.

btw i went on a $200 shopping spree today...i needed it..for winter..bought awesome cute new boots.they has buttons wooo

input: 1/2 serve rice( 40cals), 2 pieces japanese pork egg roll (40cals), 1/4 serve stir fried vege & beef(40cals)

= around 130 approx yay...cool

ouput: 200 crunches, 60 push ups, 20 mins cardio etc.

weight is still ranging around 52.5 kg.sigh...i wonder if my weight is ever going to drop below the 50kg's...my goal is to acheive 40 by the end of this year. do u think its possible?

fuck bingeing

argghhhH! i really feel like bingeing...its so bad...i just ate a whole can of spaghetti T_T i feel so terrible yet i wana eat more....damit. and its frigin 11pm...ergh

im so mentally frustrated now..

input: 4 gingernut cookies(180cals), 1/4 serving of rice/chicken(90cals), 3 spoons fried rice( 50cals), can spaghetti( 380 cals at least)..

fuck fuck fuck

output: 1 hours walk/jog, 30 mins cardio, 400 crunches

get this feeling out of me! damit damit damit damit damit ergh

so this is life.

on my own. as much as i try to smile, laugh, play, have a good time, talk, run, shout, look, feel, hear, eat, drink, sleep, not eat, lose, win, kiss, fuck, touch, make love,breath, love, be loved, meet, know, read, watch, go out, experience new things, learn, walk, hurt, feel good, hurt myself, deprivate myself, change, stay the same

with all these experiences that make life beautiful, i still feel unhappy and lonely.

there isnt really a word i can say or find to describe how much i want suicide.

yes this is my life... it really hurts to say so, but im not happy. despite the good things and the bad, my life is like an empty box. i dont want to try to fill it anymore. its supposed to be overflowing with happy memories, but my head is going to explode inwards.

all ive ever wished for is for someone to truly love me. someone just right for me, someone who gives me hope to push on, someone who can tell right from wrong. but i guess thats being dependant.  its so easy to give in and be dependant. to let someone help u live your life. i want it so much. i just want to go back to where i was, i was happy and content. i felt like everything was allright and im going to be fine. i didnt have to worry about what the future would bring, if i would still be loved or not, if i was going to make it out in that world.

i spent my happy days daydreaming about my wedding, and having children, making the best cakes, pinicking in the warm beach sands, graduating from university, having a great career, being content and happy. i want to go back to where i was.

but i simply cant...no amount of counseling, therapy, relaxation would make me happy again. they say love is a miracle. it is. love heals every broken bone, every cut and bruise, all the unhappyness of the world.

in the end, i just want to be loved. truly, deeply, loved by someone i love back, without judgement and with all the sincerity in the world....that, can make me happy.slowly, but it would.

hate to admit it though.... haha