so this is life.

on my own. as much as i try to smile, laugh, play, have a good time, talk, run, shout, look, feel, hear, eat, drink, sleep, not eat, lose, win, kiss, fuck, touch, make love,breath, love, be loved, meet, know, read, watch, go out, experience new things, learn, walk, hurt, feel good, hurt myself, deprivate myself, change, stay the same

with all these experiences that make life beautiful, i still feel unhappy and lonely.

there isnt really a word i can say or find to describe how much i want suicide.

yes this is my life... it really hurts to say so, but im not happy. despite the good things and the bad, my life is like an empty box. i dont want to try to fill it anymore. its supposed to be overflowing with happy memories, but my head is going to explode inwards.

all ive ever wished for is for someone to truly love me. someone just right for me, someone who gives me hope to push on, someone who can tell right from wrong. but i guess thats being dependant.  its so easy to give in and be dependant. to let someone help u live your life. i want it so much. i just want to go back to where i was, i was happy and content. i felt like everything was allright and im going to be fine. i didnt have to worry about what the future would bring, if i would still be loved or not, if i was going to make it out in that world.

i spent my happy days daydreaming about my wedding, and having children, making the best cakes, pinicking in the warm beach sands, graduating from university, having a great career, being content and happy. i want to go back to where i was.

but i simply cant...no amount of counseling, therapy, relaxation would make me happy again. they say love is a miracle. it is. love heals every broken bone, every cut and bruise, all the unhappyness of the world.

in the end, i just want to be loved. truly, deeply, loved by someone i love back, without judgement and with all the sincerity in the world....that, can make me happy.slowly, but it would.

hate to admit it though.... haha