eBaine's Xanga

flu buddy

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:43:52 GMT

i binged and purged twice today.crap day.sighz...theres always tomorow though. ill hopefully make myself busy enough to stay away from purging again.

i really dont feel like doing my workout today.it rained today so i couldnt go for a run. winter sucks i want summer back...i have a whole day free tomorow saturday though so might do...

but i might be calling matt for a catch up( friend from clinic)...or sumtin hopefully i have time before it gets too dark for my parents to get suspicious.

anyway..apart from the bingeing and purging i only had a quarter serve of stir fry noodles.yay.

input: 1 glass sprite zero(2.2cals), 1/4 serve stir fry noodles(60cals), 1 cookie(20cals)

=82.2cals approx...+ 12 laxatives = approx 50cals.

output= ..none yet.will update tomorow.

damn. its friday night and im at home with my flu buddy.sucks to be sick...but again not alot of my friends are out so theres not point if i went out anyway...but i could do with some sugarfree vagabombs right now.maybe i should go drink alone(more guys tend to approach lonely girls too haha)

thinspo yay

xoxo.cupcakes

the cards are turning

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 10:46:41 GMT

i am finally pleased to say today has been a good day without bingieng or purging! yay!!!!i was actually supposed to go for a run today but i woke up too late, so ill do one tomorow most likely.

im glad i put a lid on my godam mouth. i just have to finish my workout routine then im off to bed and thats one good day.

input: 1 slice bread(80cals), 3 almond cookies(30cals), 1 serve steamed vege(60cals), 1 spoon chicken (20cals)

= 190cals intake(omg i havnt done one of these in sooo long!)

output: 500 sit ups, 70 push ups, 80 squats, + 10 mins strecthes +10 mins cardio

xoxo elaine

should i or shouldnt i?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:25:12 GMT

i have a strong sense that there may be building jumping happenings in my life soon.. ive been thinking about it way too much. do u think it would hurt? would i feel it?hrm.

i was talking about funeral songs with a friend recently... i wonder what they would play at my funeral...i hope they play macy's day by greenday...or california dreamin by mamas and papas would be good..my 2 most favourite songs..

dammit by blink 182 would be good too..haha i cant believe we had that conversation. but yes he reckons my funeral wouldnt be soon... yeah right.

purged twice today :(

but i ran 6kms today and did my daily workout routine(500 sit ups, 80 squats, 70 puch ups cardio etc)yay. thank god

plus ive doubled my laxative intake...im prolly ruining my intestines but im better off dead anyway

tataxoxo

omfg

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:24:10 GMT

since gettin fired for being a grumpy bitch..nothing seems to be good..ive been cuttin alot recently with a shaving razor that i deliberately broke... i was cutting yesterday midnight. it felt awful after cuz it hurt... now my bed side drawer is stocked with bandages and shit.lol

i didnt go to the gym...i was feeling horrible that morning. not having anything to wake up for makes u feel like crap. my days has been filled with sleeping in and smoking and chores. nothing seems to make sense anymore.

ive been applying for new jobs over the internet, hopefully ill hear from them soon.very very soon. if not its a possibility that i might just have the courage to jump off a building. i dont think doing nothing is good for me. it just makes me think more and more...thinking isnt good when your feeling low..dosnt do me any good.

fucking hell... i think ill just go cut again.

input:

1/2 slice chocolate cake(108 cals)

1/2 serve rice (30cals) + 1 plain scrambled egg(80cals)

=210 cals approx

output:

500 sit ups, 70 push ups, 70 squats, 15 mins cardio, 10 mins stretches.

sigh....weighing tomorow. i feel like cutting again..and theres no one to stop me. im starting to worry about it now...this cant go on for much longer

gross

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:57:26 GMT

my weight went from 53.6 to 55.4 today. im absolutely horrified. its just disgusting...ive decided im not going to eat anything tomorow...plus im going to the gym so ill burn lots tomorow...fuck. i feel disgusting. i binged and purged twice today which was horrible....

im a disgusting pig..eugh.

enuf said. more laxatives for me plz.

gnite girls

im not dead

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:56:27 GMT

okay. so i didnt throw myself over a building today. but who knows. it could happen in a weeks time...

good day though in terms of eating. i binged once but i threw it all up.. but i had a small serving of steam vege and cup of rice for dinner. yay. did exercise routine too today. cool

weighing myself tm.

if i say i miss you it means i want to die

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:24:07 GMT

i was just looking through some old pictures and i ran across ashley's pictures. i just remembered how i missed staring into his blue eyes and his kind smile.

i wished he was here to help me get through this. but hes not. since my depressiong started ive realised i have lost so many things. my job.. my university course...my NEW job(today), my boyfriend, alot of friends, family members hate me, money, life balance, motivation etc..

i hate depression. i wished i could go ahead with the easy way out. it dosnt seem like im living for much nowadays. my daily obsession is counting calories and exercising as much as i can. i dont get myself anymore. if i could i would take my toaster in the shower.

maybe i will...

if there isnt much you want to live for, why are living for then?

even if i try my hardest at being the best and most perfect person, why do i still keep getting hurt?do i really deserve it that much?am i so bad that things like sexual abuse and being left behind keep happening to me?

my life dosnt seem to have much point anymore. maybe ill jump off a building tomorow. maybe i can. ive been thinking about it for a couple of days. seems like a good idea.this may could be my last blog.

medication

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:54:32 GMT

i dont need no education

i think ill learn it from you

they got me on some medication

my point of balance was askew

it keep my tempreture from rising

the blood is pumping through my veins

im starting my food journal again. im 54.2 kilos right now. i gota go back to 48 kilos. ican do this. im giving myself 2 months to do it. i dont give a damn what my dad says. i dont want to be bulimic anymore.i hate throwing up. i hate eating and binging.no more.

i ran out of laxatives today. no more laxs. ill get somore tm.T_T....i miss them. but yes it does work.makes me poop out lots of food. but it fukin hurts like hell so my anus is burning like hell.urgh.i know im causing it but i need somewhere to complain about my pitifull habits.

input: binged and purged 3 times, 1/4 serve of stir fry noodles(98 cals), 1 small slice cheese(30 cals).

+++ laxs.

= 128 cals. sweet

output: 500 crunches, 70 push ups, 70 squats...other 15 mins cardio. 10 mins stretches.

wish me luck girls and boys.

fuck you

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:47:48 GMT

evil people o the world. fuck you.

youve screwn me over and now u want to screw me over again.fuck you. and fuck your mother fuck your father fuck your brothers fuck your sisters

tonight im going to cut myself so bad im going to bleed litres in the bathroom. i dont care if my family dosnt wana clean up after me they dont fuckin care if i die anymore.

i used to think they would but after my sister said i dont care if u screw over and die from bulimia, fuck it. dont fukin say your angry just cuz i wore your expensive jeans cuz i have nothing to fit me, since im not even worth 300 dollars im basically shit anyway. and even though my depression and bulimia has nothing to do with wearing your pants, fuck you.

fuck my mother who dosnt care about me. shes yelled bitch back at me and told me she dosnt care if i bleed over.

so fine. ill will bleed all over the fuckin bathroom. youll be sorry you screwed me over.

the only person who ever even cared about me was dad. what is family anyway. i used to think u loved me and cared about me. i thought about you and tried to understand u and you all BLOW ME OVER.

fuck you homosapiens.ill throw up all my guts in the bathroom. youll be sorry with what youll have to clean up. suck up puckers.

theres no one id rather be...

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:32:51 GMT

i just wished that i had never been born.

fucked up weeked. i went over to alexs and made dinner for him...he ended up convincing me to tell him what was wrong with me and then pursuading me to stay overnight and sleep with him....for the first time i had unwanted sex. i dont even like the guy....sigh..

and then i got into loads of trouble form my parents cuz i got home 12 hours later. then i went to angie bday party which i told alex not to bother coming. he did and i got bit drunk. he took me home and once again made me have sex with him like im his girlfriend. i dont wana be his girlfriend! i miss glenn!

fuck. i think i just got semi raped. plus he tore my labia a little it fukin hurts.

so yeah.shit

now my parents hate me. my dad says i have to put on 8 kilos by the end of the month or else im getting kicked out of the house. mum dosnt want to talk to me and rather me die.

i have a great support network. really.shit.

thank you world.