| | Threesome FAQ #2As a monumental follow-up to one of my most-queried pieces, there's a second FAQ to answer some of the answers that I've received over the years (from mostly straight girls and young gay guys) about the do's and don't's of threesome-mania.
1. How far in a relationship does it take before one can request a threesome?
Heh, one of the keywords is "request". It has to be consensual and mutually agreed upon for a threesome. Barring any slaps in the face or punch in the eye, threesomes are fair game as sexual activities provided that there is adequate transparency about who the third is and where it'll take place. A good measure for when it's not only appropriate, but also courteous, to "request" a threesome is when the two of you are in a committed, long term relationship (particularly if you're already living together). Please take my warning very seriously: Never request a threesome for the bare fact that the passion has fizzled in the bedroom! That's only a recipe for Splits-ville if you think that having sex with another person when you're in a committed relationship would in some magical way save the relationship (Seinfeldian logic indeed).
2. "Should I feel afraid or nervous that a threesome can wreck our relationship?"
I get this question a lot. If you are a cold-hearted robot, then no...you wouldn't feel anything. Otherwise, I'd say it's normal and within your right to feel some type of apprehension about engaging in sex with a third (or fourth) partner. With the glamourization of swingers back into our cultural mix, the thing you see on television with the girls around the table is true. Talk about it...have an open dialogue with your peers and see how they respond to it. Hopefully, you'll eventually voice your opinions to your partner about your concerns. At the same time, I know that sometimes a bit of vulnerability and uncertainty can be a great stimuli for some couples. Complacency (sex going dead in the bedroom) is one of those elements to a relationship that can cause people to lose value in their relationships. Some small element of fear can remind us that we are not as infallible as we'd like to think and keeps us on our toes to please our partners outside of the bedroom.
3. "How do I avoid being left out of the threesome as that oddball not doing anything?"
I actually hear this question more from bisexual couples or from non-versatile gay couples. The stereotype of threesomes is that it's often the straight men who wants to be the center of attention and needs some bi girl action to complicate things. Ughh...that's what gives threesomes a bad rap. If your partner bring up the idea of a threesome and facilitates the process, then it's also his responsibility to make sure that you are not left out. I tend to throw this back on the person who schemed the idea, because you must prioritize the needs of your partner over yourself and the third, especially if they were nervous about doing it in the first place. If this is one of your major concerns, then say it upfront...tell your partner that you don't want to be left out and make sure you have a game plan for how to make sure everyone is included in the action.
4. How degrees of separation is best for finding a third?
In other words, the question is really asking, "Can I ask my best friend to join us in a threesome?" Although many folks have different answers to this, my response is NO. You don't ask your real life friends to do threesomes, because they're suppose to be your platonic friends. Since threesomes can also become volatile and unpredictable, you don't want to jeopardize both your relationship and friendship in one miscalculated move. Finding a third is not easy and should not be easy...if group sex is so accessible, then why don't you just have a polyamorous setup? Sometimes the best way to secure a third is going exclusively with the context and intention of meeting someone for sex. With your third, there should be no platonic friendship that supercedes your friendships with your everyday friend. If we also tailor "separation" to mean someone who lives very far away or who you don't see very often, that's also a way to stave off any desire to make threesomes an overly frequent activity.
5. What's the best way to prepare for a threesome?
Clean sheets, a good showering, and lots of lube. Heh, there's no secret formula for making the experience perfect. I suggest:
- Avoid eating any heavy meals before your threesome.
- You should definitely clean those regions that will receive some action.
- Have a good porn available, particularly anything with a threesome scheme for you guys to play off of.
- Take breaks to re-orient the action if you feel left out, so build in times to stop.
- Devise a schedule for how to end it...chat or no chat after sex, who showers first, and who cleans up.
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| | Posted 11/15/2006 2:52 PM - 1 comments
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