Back in
June 2005, I had written about what God was teaching me about money, and trusting him to provide:
I've been very blessed so far not to know what having more than enough money
to get by means, and to depend daily on God's always faithful, always abundant
provision. But receiving large regular paychecks enables increased materialism
and can obscure the sense that everything we have is not by our merit but only
by God's graciousness to us. "Blessed are the poor..." having less than enough
money yet keeping a loose hold on what I have has truly taught me the meaning of
those words. It is much easier to appreciate and trust in the abundance of
God's material blessings if you do not have the resources to obtain those
things yourselves. And the physical gifts He gives are only a glimpse of the
abundance of His love and grace that we receive through His Son.
And then I prayed:
Lord, give me a heart to use my finances solely for Your
glory, and keep me from clinging onto money or material things that take me away
from recognizing that I am as dependent on You for life and sustenance as I ever
was...
In the past few years, God has taught me to and blessed me through giving of whatever financial resources I had--He has called me to give to missions, ministries, charities, and to individuals for various purposes from what little or what plenty I had. And He has never failed to provide for me. That is what I thought sacrificial giving was--that if God called me to give so that it hurt my pocketbook, that He would somehow provide for my financial needs in the other areas of my life. And this is all true. But the past few weeks of processing and reflecting on specific circumstances that He recently put in my life made me realize that
this is not all. This view of giving to God and being blessed in return is too narrow a view for a God who is so much bigger than I can even imagine, and who is sovereign over the universe.
On Thursday morning, on my way to work, I came to a realization that nearly stopped me dead in my tracks, because it was so obvious, yet struck me so deeply. I realized that God, through so many circumstances in the past few weeks, has been bringing me to this revelation:
Sacrificial giving is much more than giving even if it hurts my finances. It is giving, and continuing to give, even if it hurts any of the other areas of life. Sacrificial giving means continuing to give even if it is received thanklessly, even if my heart is trampled upon and broken in the process, and even if giving means that everything I've ever feared would happen to me actually happened as a result. Because ultimately, it is not me that matters at all. Whatever I'm called to do is all for God's sovereign and grander purposes--His will is done regardless, but He commands me to give so that His will is done!
Ironically, when my mind and my heart finally connected on this point--that it wasn't about whether I benefited or lost from doing His bidding, but it was about His will being done--this brought a much deeper joy and peace than any tangible blessing on my life could have brought.
I am God's pawn, but being His pawn is such an incredible privilege. In the middle of my short walk to my office building, I was so overwhelmed by the love of God. He rules the universe, yet He uses flawed people like me to carry out His ultimate plan for the world! And regardless of whether I want it, or realize it's there--His amazing love for me is constant and unending.
How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How
amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am
loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
*** EDIT: some language borrowed from my dear panda-loving roommate. ***