Getting Better

Ok, so things are getting better all the time. I went to the psychiatrist, and she put me on a new medication, and the voices are better. Not gone, but much more under control. They are bad only because they tell me to kill myself, and call me names. Oh well. I have a medicine that I take as needed, and tehy go away for a little while. I am also allowed to be back at work. I love working with 2 year olds. It is definitely a challenge, but one that I love. I don't know what is going on in my life. My family is being very supportive right now. I am still depressed a little, but not near so bad as when I wasn't able to work. Well, this is about all that is going on. TTYL.

What can I do?

I feel so lost and alone right now. No one understands the Hell that I have been through these last few months. The choices I have had to make. Right now, I am feeling so alone. All I want to do is die. The voices in my head won't leave me alone. What is happening to me? I feel like some freak of nature. Where has my life gone? Where is the happiness? Where is the joy? Where is God? I feel so far from Him. I went to church today, and was bombarded in my head again, and cried the entire service. My mom noticed. I need help. But I won't go back to the hospital. I refuse. But there is no one I can talk to. No one else will understand. No one! Even the doctor says I am so much meds that I shouldn't even be able to think, much less hear the voices. What is going on here? Satan needs to go to Hell!!!!!

Wow! So much has happened since my last blog here. I can't believe how much. I have moved back in with my parents. It has been about a week and a half I guess. This semester of living with Diane and Justin was amazing. I couldn't have imagined it to have been better. Except that I kept screwing things up. Why? I don't understand!! Everything was so perfect, and yet I screwed it all up! The first night I was there I ended up in the ER with kidney stones. That week I was there 3 times. In the last two months I have been Baker-acted twice. Why? I have no idea. Just tired of life. There are other complications. I have been sick, been taking on a lot of stress, bottling up everything, and so many other things. Nobody understands. And no one trusts me anymore. This week has been like a new beginning. God has been openning new doors. But, now I am having an issue because I am having pain issues, and have no doctor, because I live out in the middle of nowhere, where I don't have a doctor I trust, oh, and I overdosed on the painkillers, so how do you explain that you need them? I don't even know anymore. Dang it. I really put myself in a bind. at least I have a few left. But I really don't know what to do. I need a lot of prayer. At least things are going better than I thought they would. Diane had every right to kick me out. I just didn't think it would happen the way that it did. But I still think that she is an amazing person. I put her in a horrible position. She has a 9 year old son. He could have walked in and found me dead!! That would not have been right. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I feel like I lost all of my friends. No one really talks to me anymore. Oh well. I guess I don't deserve it anyways.

Life
Current mood: confused

Hello. So much has happened in the last week, most of which very few people have a clue about. Ok, so here is the jist of it. I went to New Port Richey on Wednesday. That was good. Since there has been a ton of stuff going on at home, I decided that it wasn't really a good idea to move all of the way to TN, among otehr things. But, since I don't really want to stay here at home for some reason, I have decided to mvoe back to NPR. Diane Ruiz is allowing me to live with her, which was really nice of her. Last night was absolutely miserable. On the way home from NPR yesterday, I get a phone call from Moe's asking me ot come in. I was pretty mad. I told them that I had said I couldn't come in this week, and that they should stop asking me. I was getting pretty mad over all of it. Well, since they finally told me that it would only be for a couple of hours, and it was all up front, I gave in. Well, after the fisrt couple of hours, I was told to work in the back peeling shrimp. After I was done with the first ton of shrimp, I told Sidi that I couldn't do the jumbo, that i really needed to go home. he asked me if I wanted to go home for an hour and come back. I was like no, I wasn't working the night shift too. He told nme that I was. I was like, no I am not. I was not on the schedule. He kept telling me how it was my responsibility, and that my plans meant nothing, because I couldn't just choose a church party over working. He said that I couldn't let him down, and that he could party every night if he wanted, but he had responsibility to the restaurant. Well, yeah...he's the frickin owner. I told him that I wasn't going to work, and he just got really upset. So, I told him that I would come in at 7 at the earliest, and leave at 9 at the latest. he asked me how he was going to shut the restaurant down by himself. I was like...I don't know...figure it out. So, he told me he would close at 8. Sounded good to me. So, I went to the party and left early. I was so mad. Oh, and while I had been peeling shrimp, the dishwasher was sexually harrassing me. I am not going to go into detail, jst know that it was not good. My sister was working with me that night, and she told Sidi about it, and well, I have no idea what he is going to do about it, but I know that I won't be working with the dishwasher again. Oh, and also, another argument Sidi was using was that this church party wasn't as important as church, so why don't I go to church. I told him it was because I had asked for it off all summer long, and he just ignored me. So, he gave me today off, after quite a bit of arguing. Friday is my last day. After that, I am packing up to get to Mayo on the next Monday, and then go to SonQuest, and then I am leaving for NPR. I have had to make some hard choices, and I am sure that there were people hurt unintentionally by thsoe decisions. Some of those people were my parents, my siblings, My aunt Kelly, who I was supposed to move in with, along with ehr family, and so many other people. I am so sorry, and I didn't mean to hurt anyone with any of these choices, but I am trying to get my life back together at this point. I am hurting so bad, because I know that there is no way that I could make everyone happy, and I know that at this point I really need to do something for me, and act on what is in my best interest. I just don't understand what is going on, and why someone always has to get hurt. I wish I were able to go back to school, but at this point it just isn't a good idea. I just hope that no one is mad at me. My time in NPR was good, although it made me really miss living in the dorms. I don't know why I was down a lot while I was there. It was a gret break from life. I am so thankful for the many people that were there for me while I was there. It was great to see so many of you guys again, and just know that I hope to see everyone when I get back, which should be the first week of September.

Going crazy!
Current mood: determined

Hello! So much is happening right now, and I just totally feel like I am going to go crazy. Everyone pulling me in a different direction, and all saying that it is what God is telling me to do. Lord willing, I will be able to escape for a little while next week and go to New Port Richey to hang out for a little while, and was told that seeing my doctor in New Port Richey would be a good idea, due to getting a call from Mayo earlier this week and being told that I was anemic and needed to see my PCP as soon as possible. I went to my PCP, and pretty much he didn't want to do anything, but then told me that if I did want to do something about it, I should do something about my cholesterol as well, which by the way, I just got a printout of my results from Mayo, and my cholesterol was good, so what do I need to do something about it for? He wanted me to go on Lovastatin, and said that I would have to come in once a month to test my liver, as the medication would probably mess up my liver. Great, so one of the few organs still functioning good, and you want to put me on something to make it not so great, and all because you don't like my cholesterol which happens to be good. All that after me and Kristen (who happened to come and spend a couple of nights and get me this totally cute outfit for my birthday, which was yesterday) were sitting in the room talking about how hot he was. He is in his early 30s I think, but still...HOT. Hehe. Yeah, anywho...yeah, so goes to say that guys that look good don't always have brains. Anywho...so yeah, Mayo Clinic todl me not to take any medications for the pain, not even Tylenol, as I could already have internal bleeding, and these medications could either make it worse, or cause it if I don't. I am in a ton of pain with nothing to do for it. And there is a big situation going on at home that I can't talk about. Please keep my family in your prayers. There is SO much going on, and I can't really say what it is, but just know that it isn't good, and all of us are going through a ton emotionally. That and the pain are going to totally drive me nuts!! That is why I needa  break. Oh, my job is giving me a lot more hours. I am working tomorrow 4-9:30, Saturday 5-9:30, Sunday 11-3:30, and Monday 5-8:30/9ish. So, ton more hours than before. But the work is miserable even with pain meds, and now I don't get to take any. I may give in and take something, but I don't really know what to do. Grrr...I should ask what to do in case I just can't handle not taking something.

So, yeah...I am 21 now. Yippee!! Didn't really have a great birthday, but you know what, I was blessed just to have time with my family, and know that the ones who need help are getting it, and that God is watching over all of us. So many things happened yesterday that just showed me that God knew what was going on, and if there was something that I had been dreading happening, it happened, but in a way that caused me as little grief as possible. It had to happen, but I just didn't want to see it.

I am so emotionally drained, but hoping that it will get better in time. God is the healer, and he the the one who is always present. I know that he ahs some awesome plans for my life, and I am just going to have to wait and see how he uses the things that are happening to strengthen me for whatever is going to happen in my future. It is hard to believe that this stuff could possibly help me with anything, but I know that it can, and will with whatever comes my way in God's amazing plan. I am just trying to put it all in perspective. People say I'm strong...no, I just lean upon the everlasting rock of my salvation, and he is the foundation that will never fall away. I have built my house upon the rock, and it won't ever fall. That is my hope and strength right now.