Ah, hot summer day. I LOVE the smell of chlorine on a hot summer day. it hits me like a wave of euphoria, arousing nostalgic feelings of gliding underneath the surface of the pool while watching blue rays of sunlight dance and sway along the bottom. I'll be honest, I really did not enjoy water polo much. It was torture, straining to breathe, the air always clawing at your throat, chest heaving but never satisfied. This was no doubt a sport for masochists of some sort. But I continued to play, because of the water. That feeling of cool liquid swirling around my body, caressing my skin as it flowed around me, that feeling was so satisfyingly relaxing.

I remember once when I had hurt both my elbows from working out too much, damn skullcrushers. I think I wrote an entry about that once, I was so devastated. The tendonitis from both elbows had inflamed to a point where the nerves that ran down my hand were being pressed against my bone and every single movement of my fingers brought tingles of electricity shooting up my arms into my back and head. Ah, that finals week was hell, perfect timing for when I had to recopy 100 pages of notes from my field notebook into my final report. By the last page my fingers could but barely even hold onto the pen from sheer exhaustive effort. But of course it would be great practice for the next day when I had a 3 hour essay final for my natural history of vertebrates class.

But it was't these excruciatingly painful memories that really floated to my consciousness when I thought about my elbows. It was those times in Thailand and Taiwan that bubbled from my murky awareness to pop with a resounding flash of nostalgia. Despite my love for the water, those were the times I wistfully looked into the glowing teal surf of the tropical beach while clutching my elbows, helplessly aware of my strength disappearing with each spasm of pain that radiated from my arm. You see, the damage that occurred at my elbows perfectly interfered with the forward and downward stroke required when swimming, so that each stroke wonderfully caused the delicate soft tendons and cartilage in my poor elbow joints to rasp painfully against the thorny surface of bone particles that had formed in my joints. And so despite the unbearable pain, I would nonethless wade into the water to thrash around for a half hour or so, before the damage to my joints became so painfully aware that I could not ignore it any longer, and would have to spend the next 4 hours in bed thrashing from the pain.

But those 30 minutes of exquisite exstacy, rolling around in each wave, floating and diving into the crash of the crest and doing somersaults and twirls and leaping clear out of the water. Pure joy.

Sometimes I think that such is just the way that life works. One never truly appreciates the warmth of the morning sun until after being swallowed in the cold dark night. One never realizes the exquisite taste of a simple hamburger until after being on an IV for months. One takes for granted the old clunky car until the day it quits working and one is waiting for the bus in 40 degree darkness at 6am.

Its easy to watch the people around us and hunger after thier lives, thier wealth, thier health, thier looks. But it is the truly wise who notices those who hunger after ours.

So apparently I do my best thinking in the middle of the night, when the dust of the day settles. Or perhaps it is when the whispers from inside can be heard in the silence of the night. It really bothers me, these days seeing the injustices of the world. The more I learn about the world around me, the more I hate it. I dont know why I stress so much, care so much. I feel like I'm carrying something very very bitter inside me and it is very hard some days not to let it pull me down. I feel like there are so many things that I want to change, not just with the world around me, but myself in so many aspects.

Im sure it is a reaction, a production of my previous mental conditions from years ago. Sheltered from the world as the only boy in my family, with no father to discipline me, and a mother who loved me too much, I grew into someone exceedingly gluttonous with life's glittering ephemeral treats. There I sank, resting in a pool of contentment in my inferiority. Afraid to reach up into the world for fear of rejection, of failure, of leaving my comfortable bed.

I turned 25 years old last week. 25 years that I have wasted so much time on. While I am the greatest advocate of making mistakes and making memories and having fun in life, there is a limit, a balance that must be achieved. I have found out plenty about myself in my level of intelligence, my strength and weakness of personality, my desires, my dislikes, my likes. But in the end it all comes down to nought in the world, because of the lack of a goal. In the end, the biggest thing I have discovered about myself is that I am utterly dissatisfied with who I am.
3: nby mywlyn ni nby wixy cm 415263
Some people have told me that I can be whatever I want. While the phrase is somewhat exaggerative, I firmly believe I have the capability to achieve quite a number of things. But the problem is that I lack a drive, a motivation. True, I'm working at Stanford Medical School on quite cutting edge treatments for HIV, and I have completed my applications for dental school, the problem that I have is that I still have a great fear of wasting more time on things that are not worthy of my attention. I don't know exactly how my brain got so scrambled to the point of an inability to act, but I feel utterly frozen in the block that is my life while my future hurtles at me in a breakneck pace.

So while I'm heading towards a future that I can no doubt excel in, I can't help but be extraordinarily afraid that I'm hurtling towards something that scares the bejesoo out of me. While one can totally understand that type of feeling when deciding to invest a quarter of a million dollars over the course of 4 years of thier lives, this inane fear has haunted me for the past 3 years that I have wasted in stasis. I guess one could say that the process that I underwent during those 3 years was not necessarily a bad thing, considering that I would probably be in medical school and unlikely to be enjoying it at all, but 3 years is nonetheless enough time for someone to accomplish so much more that what I did.
hint 1: its 4 across, 6 or so down for the 2nd one.
In fact, I can honestly say that while I'm sitting here typing away, I'm getting a slight panic attack that I should be spending this time doing something worthwhile. And rightly so, given that no one really gives a shit about my xanga posts... but somehow my gut tells me that this is something I should write down, that my frayed nerves need to vent and relax in light of writing something that doesnt matter, that doesnt have to have the right spweling, or correct punkchooatio'n because the person reading it will not judge me.

OK I'm falling asleep. According to my calender, tomorrow I have to study some biological sciences and perhaps take a gander at organic chemical reaction mechanisms. I guess that is all the time I have now for you, my dear neglected xanga. But perhaps this creative writing has been therapeutic in that it is finally dawning on me that my wasting of time is not purely sloth, but more so fear. Fear of failure, something that has haunted me for as long as I have known. My childhood shyness stemmed from this, and it resulted in an array of garbage strewn across the transcript of my early years in college.

I guess sometimes I have to remind myself to be strong. Be brave, stand up and fight. Life is hard, be harder.

Oh yeah, pictures from the gf's new dSLR coming soon, yay!
2nd hint: tethnsU hctetA eroh3y setiio

BTW if anyone figured out any of the ciphers anywhere. you are a fucking genius. seriously.

HAPPY NEW YEARS.

A lil late, but eh better late than never.

Wow, 2007 sure was an amazing year for me. I traveled to Taiwan, China, Thailand, Philipines, Japan, and elsewhere within the US too. Ive experienced love, loss, happiness, sadness, betrayal, loneliness, grief and just about every other emotion one could imagine. But Im here now, and 2008 is a brand new year, like the blank pages of my xanga, ready to be written across and marked into history forever. With some semblance of a plan, Im ready to march into my future.

Single most important resolution for the rest of my life - DONT PROCRASTINATE! Gah, most definately the biggest single flaw to my personal well being that I can recognize. A close second being my emotional nature. Ugh, thinking about my flaws has just led to a mental checklist of the plethora of issues that I have with myself. Moving on...

I start my first day at my new job tomorrow, so I don't have the time to dilly dally as mentioned in bold words above, so I'll make this a shortie. I have so many pictures to upload when I have time, that Im am sure your computer just may explode* (reference from 2007) so keep an eye out for a later update.

Here is just a shot of what has made my year so far...

YEEHAW thars my newly updated andrelina. hehe, wonder where that name came from... hm..

Yup, thats right. I just couldnt stay away hehe. A million billion thanks to my wonderful girlfriend for driving me around to look at bikes for sale, and advising me not to buy that red 600rr that had missing bolts and cracks on just about every body panal. Thanks dearest, I knew you were better for something than looking pretty. hehe just kidding i always knew that.

Heres a few pix I couldnt resist adding...

New years eve together <3

dressed down for the countdown

beautiful santa monica sunset. looking forward to another year filled with you, babe! =)

... to be continued... 

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AW CRAP MY STOCKS! aghhh freaking bear. wheres the bull when i really really need it. so screwed. SOO screwed.

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okok, you picture whores, here are some picture updates throughout the end of 2007. whew, it really whizzed by, didnt it?! dang...

AXiO 2007 Formals...

my hot stripperella gf. hahaha

finally part of the alumni pic haha

afterparty pic =D

End of 2007 Randoms...

pretty pic of the roses during sigma informals.

pretty pic of my pretty gf next to pretty scenery haha

anniversary pic 

NYE in SoCal 2007/8

finally. someone new to throw up into the picture mix. HAHA... drunk ass charles probably doesnt even remember this pic haha

Tribute to my work...

Some random pix from my previous work in the city... ill get more later.. LOTS more. haha

SPIKYYYY. hehe. ok thats all, got work tomorrow. peace.

i am so tired and stressed. things around me are falling apart... literally... the letter "c" key on my keyboard keeps popping off, my car has been exploding its guts everywhere and is now lifeless, my phone shuts off by itself periodically, my motorcycle tires are peeling off, and i am so tired of life right now. i am tired just thinking about how much work i need to put in before i can just stop being negative.

sometimes life just hits you, and it hits you hard, you know? ive had these depressing entries in the past, mostly about crushes or silly things like that, but ive never really felt the crushing embrace of cold reality like now. the bitterness tastes horrible.

i come home, and all i want to do is lie in bed and melt away into nothing. i am just so tired.

A Graceful Farewell

So a series of unexpected events have recently culminated in the final termination of a very dear relationship of mine. I had to say that the farewell to this chapter of my life, which had been closely intertwined with her, was a melancholy one to say the least. While I am happy to let her go to someone new that may take care of her better than me, I am still sad when I think of the memories that we shared together.

She has treated me well, and we went through many things together - some amazing and others painful. I was there for her when she needed me to patch her up after a nasty fall, and she was there for me when I was in a rush to get things done. Even after the heart stopping event of when she started choking and wouldnt move when we were in the mountains, and I had to carry her down with lil John's help, I have to say she has been wonderful to me.

Anyways, I don't want to draw this out, but I just wanted a brief entry that chronicled the last of my time with her.

Goodbye. Even though there may be others after you, you won't be forgotten.

BYE CHERRY!

hahhahaha

haha yup shes gone. The lovely F4i, queen of sport tourers. Comfortable on those long rides, easy around town, fast as hell and easy on the eyes to say the least. Wonderful motorcycle, and I'm sad to see it go. But, as they always say - there are plenty of fish in the sea... or... motorcycle ads on craigslist. Haha. Upgrade time-O! Stay tuned...

Of course, I have to mention -

Many thanks to my wonderful girlfriend who supports me so much in my many diverse hobbies. Kisses!