|
elisaibnida
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Elisa
Birthday: 2/23/1991
Interests: you.
Expertise: slushy-racing, owning your face at mario kart, eating, napping, being perverted.
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/13/2006
|
|
| reevaluation.i know i have a lot of my own faults. i really do, just as everyone does. and i know i dont try to change. why should i? but through the course of the past eight months, ive learned more just what it means to change, discover, and rediscover parts of me i never realized.
you know how they say that once a couple reaches ten months, they have passed the hardest part of the relationship. if a couple is able to survive getting sick of each other (summer relationships...) then they can last it out. im at eight months, and the past month has been harder than most.
it is of my opinion that the perfect guy just isnt out there. i believe that your perfect guy.. is someone you already have. to me, i thought that my own boyfriend is definitely workable material. im not trying to control the guy. im not trying to be his mother, is grandmother, or his great grandmother. but there are changes that he can make to make him a better all around person. by no means is he forced to take these suggestions, but what is a relationship if not two people working together?
i guess, this being my first try at such a thing... there are certain idealogies i had in my head. for me, im ready to change for him if i feel that he is justified in his wants. if he doesnt want me to dress like a slut, thats fine to a certain extent. if he wants me to stop being naggy, thats something i can try to change as well. whether or not i succeed... thats a different matter. but i will always try. and i expect him to do the same.
but last night, i realized that my values were not necessarily his. and in a sense, it felt like heartbreak.
i dont have a lot of issues that i find completely and utterly wrong with him. he is a good guy, and i really do believe so. but with his good side comes a completely insensitivity to me and my own beliefs. i want him to try to change. he does not have to change completely, these faults of his. but i want him to try - for me.
but last night, he just threw all of that in the gutter. he said he was going to think about things. and he sends me a text thirty minutes later that says that hes concluded that hes the same as everyone else, and that he cant change it. he cant change it? why not? if you want to change anything about yourself, you most definitely can. but this giving up... this resignment... there are no words to describes the disappointment that grew inside. and it only grows everytime i think about it. the one thing that i truly believe that couples should try to do: toss out the window.
and so i think about it. rationally, i hope. and i think, "if he wont try to change, then ill put in the effort". this may seem like illogical logic, and i would have thought so too a year ago. but once youre in a relationship, its different. its hard to just dump someone who you care about and the feeling of being cared about.
these past few months, ive gotten a lot more comfortable, a lot more familiar, a lot more unashamed with him. and i think that i need to take a step back. ive been going too fast, too far in the alloted time.
ive basically deceived myself into believing that he will always want to be with me.
that he will always make time for me.
that he will always be okay with picking me up,
dropping me off,
buying me food,
taking me places.
and after tomorrow, and after looking at all the times ive been sad, and that weve fought (which, admittedly, isnt often) i realized that i thought too much of him. i placed too much faith in him. ive become selfish.
i shouldnt believe that he is always willing to spend time with me.
i shouldnt believe that he is always willing to spend the money he makes on me.
i shouldnt believe that he understands what he has done wrong,
when i, myself, think it so obvious.
i need to basically, like him a little less.
go back to that stage where i didnt expect anything of him.
that way, the disappointments will end, because i have nothing to be disappointed in.
i suddenly remember why i never liked to get too close to people. i always expected them to do offer the same chances, like me the same amount, love me the same amount. i expected things to be reciprocal. to put it in figurative terms, i decided to take that chance to take down that defensive barrier around me; to put myself out there.
and in the end, i was sorely disappointed. i set myself up to be hurt. i set myself up to unhappiness.
before, that wall was around me because i decided to put it there. it wasnt out of experience. i was still unjaded. but now, it has changed.
it has all changed.
| | |
| a new religion:rainism.
so rains new album dropped today... and i listened to the title song... and its... addicting...
since hes left JYP, ive been kinda worried as to how he would actually do. especially with all the pinky and the brain cracks. however... seems like hes been faring pretty well (if not in america, at least in korea). andddd im still a fan.
but what the hell is rainism? i mean.. first j-tunes... and then rainism? im a bit confused. (though his logo from j-tunes is pretty spiffy i think).
anyway, there are many things that are more important to talk about.. like.. obama/mccain... xdr-tuberculosis... aids... world hunger... global warming... economy crisis... etc etc etc.
but thats depressing.
| | |
| on this rollercoaster we call life.lots of things have changed, some for the better, some for the worst.
i havent been able to be one of those people who have been able to live free of regrets.
regrets lie across every road ive travelled like dead deers smashed under the tires of a hummer.
i could have told her that i admire her more than she could ever imagine.
i could have told her that i want her to love me just ask much as i love her.
i could have told her that i want to go back.
but i cant.
i could have tried harder.
i could have done it sooner.
i could have did it better.
but i didnt.
and in the end, it is the regrets that make life exactly what it is today.
i took my chances, did what i thought i couldnt, and more than anything,
i am happier today,
more than ever.
some people are just born with what other dont have.
some people just have the support that others dont have.
some people have people to talk to, to walk them through the life they havent learned how to live.
and in the end, the people that dont have... they live with it.
and in the end, the people that live with it grow stronger.
and in the end, its just the end.
stoic. thats what i am. | | |
| now, i know i aint a politician..but why is it when a woman is being assertive and strong-willed she is called a "bitch",
but when a man is assertive and strong-willed he is called "aggressive".
through process of substitution, we can see that "bitch" and "aggressive" are the same.
however, why do people like an "aggressive" in the white house,
but not a "bitch"?
connotations and genders,
genders and connotations.
english.
americans.
| | |
| list list listings.so i just finisheddd murakami... and it was interesting. i think i should reread it sometime later though since im sure i missed the point somewhere... not sure. maybe i read it too fast. =|
anyway, so i ran out of books to read.. SO IM MAKING A NEW LIST!
- almost transparent blue ryu murakami
- when you are engulfed in flames david sedaris
- catch-22 joseph heller
- infinite jest david foster wallace
- moby dick herman melville
what can i say.. i just love fiction!
| | |
|
