People always long for the ease and freedom of childhood. But I don’t remember my childhood as easy, indeed I recall being constantly anxiety ridden – about things I wasn’t getting right, about my lack of social graces, just a general feeling of being out of place, a tangerine crayon glaringly out of place in a primary colored world. I longed for Adulthood, to be a GROWNUP, as I sensed that there; my awkwardness would become quirky, my failures amusing anecdotes, and I’d find a groove. In books awkward children always become amazing adults – the swan effect. I waited for my transformation.

I’m still waiting. When all is said and done, there’s more of the dynamics of the playground at work in our lives than we’d care to admit. Don’t get me wrong. I have friends. My pink sweatpants are a thing of the past (thank God). I can have a conversation about the weather with just about anyone.

 But the Cinderella thing never quite happened. I’m more of a plump partridge than a swan.  I’d still get picked last for kickball (frankly I wouldn’t pick myself), and I still don’t feel like I really belong.  I’m never going to be the pretty girl with the right clothes. The only effervescent thing about me is my soda. And I’m never going to quite fit into everyone’s standards of who I’m supposed to be.

And maybe in the end that’s who I am. The wisecracking, self-effacing best friend from the movies who always cheers as the pretty girl gets the guy, the great job, the right clothes. Oh well, at least I get the good lines.

It's been a while since I've posted. It's strange to be home. After 4 years away I am back in my basement bedroom (which I share with my 15 year old sister)  and slipping back into old roles, habits. I find that no matter where I live I have certain essentials: pastry (a habit I should break) coffee ( a habit I should moderate) and books (a habit that I'll never break or-- it appears moderate). 2006 was a hard year with a lot of questions and precious few answers. I'm facing a lot of uncertainty, and it scares me. So I like my certainties. My habits. How the  crew at the Starbucks I go to knows I like a nonfat misto and always gives me a larger size for free. How I can open a novel and enter someone else view for a while, be comforted, challenged,concerned, and connected. The way it feels to walk in a museum -- the light and air and art, how it reminds me in a world that has a lot of ugly horrible things there is beauty there, always. I don't get life: it's tricky, turbulent, troubling. But I can tell you where to get discount books (The Strand) and a great cheese danish (Au Bon Pan alright it's a chain, but a really good one). I thank God for the small comforts. For the amazing everyday.

The Brox is up and th Battery's down ( it doesn't refer to a duracell) .............

How do you forget what humidity feels like? I did. I feel like I can swim through the air in my livingroom. Enjoy your 4th

 (WARNING: WHINING IS ABOUT TO OCCUR)

Today is not the best day ever. Today i just want to crawl into a hole and cry...or sleep untill I have no resposiblites whatsoever. Can someone just live me life for me and do all the hard stuff? I'm so tired of everything. so broke this week i am scaping up bus money and living off the food in my house. in less than two weeks mothers day. followed by finals and i forgot squeezed in there is Mother's speech. Enough.

 Okay brattiness is now out of my system, well almost. On the postive side, umm...Oh I got into the City College of NY (Not which one, that one) and I am heading back to the east coast. Hello: bad weather anyomity and decent bagels, I missed you all.

How do you know that your making the right decisions in life. I'm not talking about the should I take this candy-bar realm but rather the big stuff - the murk grey area of life's larger decisions. Like, where should I live? What really matters to me? How much am I willing to change and how much can I just tell people, you know what, this is me?

 Very vauge. Anyway. Back in cali/ living in Dst/going to chabot/working for a daycare. Nothing in my house ever works right so we get crazy bills. $400 dollars for water!!!! NO ONE USES THAT MUCH WATER. Jeez.