. and it always comes back in the end .

somehow, the things and people that meant so much to you always find their way back to your heart and find their place even after you thought it was all gone. funny how your heart accepts it back like nothing had ever happened. what does that say about our morals and values? what does it say about our heart? and what if maybe, just maybe not everyone is the same way, maybe this is just me. if so, then i guess its just my natural sense of forgiveness. my heart is so forgiving, sometimes i wish it wasn't so, but there isn't much i can do to overpower my emotions. and my morals and values have always been kept straight. in this case, i don't know if i can thank myself for having those morals and values. sometimes i wish i wasn't so damn good. i wish i could just walk away from it all with no regrets and no feelings of remorse. unfortunately, with this situation, i always look back to see if it is still there, and even during the times it wasnt, in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my heart, i had always hoped for it to be there. am i so weak as to wish for so much? or maybe i just MISS everything that was good befor these troublesome times. i miss you, i miss it all, i miss how i once was when we were good, i miss the goodness in me, and most of all, im missing. help me find me again.

. been a whole month and 3 days .

yeah, its been that long since my last update. i dont use xanga anymore. it died so fast. and there really isnt much of a point for my blog today. im just ranting for the hell of it. so hows life you may ask... let me tell ya.

life's been pretty hard lately. not much going for me these days, everything's kinda lame, except my guy friends who have kept my head up through all the trying times. things have gone so wrong in this life i live. i wish i could elaborate on these esoteric lines i type, but for me to get into detail about how my life has gone would mean exposing the people who have made my life this way. so, to be professional about things, i wont mention any names, and wont talk about what happened. i gotta play on the safe side of the tracks. but for whoever is reading this (probably nobody) and knows whats happened lately, then i have one thing to say. I'm sorry I'm putting the burden upon you to listen to me vent and whine about the bullshit in my life. Don't feel like you have to give me sympathy, since sympathy only makes me feel like I'm pathetic and useless. Sometimes I just have to make it on my own, but that doesn't mean that talking to people doesn't help. For that reason, i love my friends, i only wish she coulda stayed as one of them. oh well, things change, people change, we learn to move on  they say to me.

oh how i know how that is. its always changed on me, things never seem to settle, thats why things havent really ever been good in my life. i wish so badly to go back to the care-free days of age 6. back then, when i had no worries on my mind, back when i never thought about the depression.

fuck blogging, this shit makes me spill my heart out on a computer. this is the kind of shit that makes me feel worse caus i start to think about the problems im facing. BUT YOU KNOW, it's kinda good, its such a release, i cant keep hiding things forever, they are there, i might as well let em out.

if you could just ask me one more time if we were still friends... i would no longer know what to say. my head tells me to say "no" because i really feel like its not there anymore. that friendship we had, you ripped it up and burned it. but my heart tells me to say "yes" because you meant that much. because my heart cant let you go, you took a piece of me, and i can never get it back. if only things worked out. somehow i know these things happened for certain reasons, but did you really need to be so cold? did you really need to turn your back on me and leave me with a cold shoulder? and i realize that i am justifying my reasons for being just as cold hearted to you. i guess when you look at it, its all fair play. even when i told myself i'd never be so mean. one last thing i guess... IM SORRY.

*EDIT*

forget about the best friend stuff. that kind of doesn't exist anymore. sad story and sad to know, but the truth was always sad. no worries, it only hurts when i breathe.

just an hour of her time would make things fall into place. but since thats not there... cut my wrists and black my eyes, so i can fall asleep tonight or die...

\\ and im nineteen \

it's another page in the book that's turned. i am now nineteen. honestly, i don't feel much of a difference, and i don't think i should or want to. things are going great, im learning to really love life and everything thats going on around me. sometimes it's dark and my sight is blurred, but with the help of special someone(s) i find a way to make it out and see the light. for that, i wanna thank you people who help me. im officially nineteen for 2 hours and 22 minutes! haha

anyway, tonight (saturday night/sunday morning) was really good. went bowling with co-workers/friends after work. i got a shoutout for a happy birthday from my co-workers, and they gave me two tickets to a water park. i dont know who gave it to me, whether it was from someone, or just from the bowling alley, but it was really nice. i love my co-workers/friends, they're freakin awesome! after playing a few games, we decided to head home. my manager's tire was flat or losing air, but to play it safe, we decided to put the spare on. always want to play it safe, even when its fun to go on the dangerous side sometimes. then went back to the mall, got in jessica's car and drove home. what can i say, shes the most awesomest best girl friend ever. i'm so glad she went bowling with us, even after she said she might not go caus she was workin on my birthday present. i wouldn't have had it any other way, and thats why im so happy she went bowling.

and so sunday begins. its 2:26, gotta get up 5 hours from now and prepare for church. after church, we're going to l.a. i don't know what is gonna happen up there, but hopefully it'll be good times. i'll blog about it when i get back from the adventure.

one more thing: AMANDA if you're reading this, i wanted to say HI! and thanks for visiting at work, you're so awesome! oh and one more thing... RAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRR!!!!! hahaha!

... as complicated as life gets...

i'll somehow get through. my life has never been easy, and at the same time, i don't know if it's ever been so difficult. how can i possibly keep going like this? the complexities of the complications in the situations under which i live in is ravaging and never ending with no mercy.

[so, its been a while]

It's been quite some time since I've updated on here. but you haven't missed much.

What have you been doing? they ask. well, just working and hangin' out. if i'm not working, you can catch me on aim, or maybe watchin a movie, at the bowling alley, or i might just be at the mall trying to stay away from the heat.

Today: it's 7:19 a.m. and i'm getting ready to go to work. i'm still rolling those cinnabons. i've been working there for a while now and i've really got the hang of things. they now have me opening and closing the store. (not all in one shift of course!)

gone. yup. definately gone, until next time that is...