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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Currently Listening
Rush of Fools
By Rush of Fools
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Isn't it funny how we as humans do things in the heat of the moment, then later on waste even more of our time fretting over it? At least, I know I do that. I'll say or do something (usually when I'm upset), then regret it later and spend all my time worrying about what I've done. I'm grateful that even when others can't forgive me, and when I can't forgive myself, God is there and He forgives me, no matter how stupid I've been.

I tend to live my life in fear much of the time. There are times when I focus so much on pleasing others that their happiness is my entire world. I live in fear of displeasing people, and constantly worry what they will think of me. I fear things and people in my life, and I especially fear my past. Eventually my fear entangles me and ties me down until I become desperate and try to drag someone else (usually a friend) down with me by suddenly heaping burdens, pain, fear, etc. on them. After that, they either don't want to have much to do with me (for a while, or forever) or I regret it before they have the chance to say or do anything, and I push them away before they can hurt me. Consequently, I usually end up hurting myself, and them as well.

I feel like everything in my life is one big screw-up. I'm not saying I don't ever make good decisions, or that God doesn't help me make them, but there are times when I just forget everything and focus on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel, and on and on it goes. I need to trust God more, and trust myself much, much less. I tend to think I can handle things, can make them better. And, consequently, I mess things up a lot.

Another thing I need help with is putting myself down. I'll say terrible things about myself, be it that I am ugly or stupid, or some contradiction to a compliment I've been given. Things like that. The hard part is, some part of me must know it's not true, but it feels true. I look at my face in the mirror, and I don't see beauty. I live with myself daily and see only a stupid, ugly idiot who needs to get a life. And by saying aloud to people that I am, it's like. . . I hope that people will argue with me and tell me I am absolutely wonderful or something. Then, when they don't, I end up feeling like crap all over again. I know I shouldn't base my life and feelings on others, but on God. It's just difficult.

I don't want to keep messing up all the time, but I still do. I'm just grateful that God still loves and forgives me, even when I don't act the way I should.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Currently Listening
Lifesong
By Casting Crowns
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For all you writers out there. . .

Ever tried role playing? Basically, it's writing a story with a bunch of other people. You control one to however many characters, and the other people control their own characters as well. Then. . . everyone writes and interacts with each other. It's great fun, and actually helps me sometimes if I have writers block on some project (meaning book/story) I'm working on.

Anyway, so I have this role play site, right. It's called The Door of Truth (TDoT for short) and is. . . difficult to explain. I guess I'll just post part of the plot info here, and you can go check out the site if you want. (You don't have to sign up to view the rules, plot info, and so on, but you do have to sign up to view the role play itself.) Here's the link: http://thedooroftruth.proboards50.com/index.cgi

"About forty-four years before the start of the RP, a group of teenagers found out that they all had special abilities. They banded together and formed a group called the Guardians, hoping to somehow use these abilities to help others. There were complications, of course, mostly because no one wanted them around. They were known as 'freaks' and 'witches,' among other things. Also, there was another group, known as the Ukwtakun (named after a legendary demigod whose howling signifies the approach of death and destruction), who were determined to use their own abilities for evil. The Guardians ended up encountering the Ukwtakun quite often, and the two groups became enemies, fighting every time they came in contact with each other. Because of this, the Guardians built a machine known as the "Door of Truth." Every new recruit was required to enter the machine, where all their memories—good and bad—would be brought to light. Thus, if any spies from the Ukwtakun tried to become Guardians, they would know and be able to properly deal with them.

Due to the severity of their treatment by the outside world, the Guardians eventually became more of an underground group, and kept growing year after year until they numbered over five hundred. They trained new members to use their powers, and eventually even added martial arts and military skills training. Certain members were high ranking officers in the military, and they eventually became a sort of special ops group, known to almost no one.

In present times, the Guardians recruit mostly young children and teens. These children attend a school of sorts, where they are taught all the main subjects, plus various other classes (martial arts, battle tactics, etc.). When they reach the age of 13, the children go to basic training (if they are recruited after the age of 13, they go there automatically). After completing basic training, they are rewarded the rank of Junior Agent. (Before this, the children are merely considered trainees.) Their new rank is symbolized by their receiving a wristband with stripes and stars depicting their rank. Each time an agent receives a new rank, they get stripes added to their wristbands."

Yeah. . . so, basically, I wrote all the information on the site (background story, plot info, ranks info, rules, etc.). The story is mine (not copyrighted, but if you steal it. . . I'll be peeved) but I did get a lot of inspiration from the CHERUB series by Robert Muchamore and if you've ever read it you'll probably find some similarities. My friend "Mel" co-owns it with me (I'm "Kumi"). And, if you have any experience role playing (or writing for that matter) you should at least check it out. I almost guarantee if you join you'll have fun, unless you really aren't into this sort of thing. Anyway, that's all.

-Kumi

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Currently Listening
Celtic Thunder
By Celtic Thunder
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Oh, to be a little kid again!

I have been writing more and more poetry as of late. So far, no one but my friend Brennen has read any of it, and it may even stay that way. But, anyway, I was thinking about how much my poetry has changed over the years, so I dug up a couple of poems from when I was 10. Here they are (without changing punctuation or anything):

Love
Love is Patient love is kind,
at least we think that in our mind,
but if love is so great and true,
Why do I want to hit you?
Crazy, crazy, some might think,
but love could be gone, quick as a wink,
even if it is hard not to fight,
you should try with all your might,
because God wants us to be a shining light.

On a Lonely Hill
I was riding my bright red bike
on a lonely hill
I felt like I was flying a kite
on a lonely hill
I was thinking a pleasant thought
on a lonely hill
Then I came to a coasting stop
on a lonely hill

"Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is" - Yoda

I wish that things could be as simple as they were when we were little. The biggest things you had to worry about were whether or not your mom packed what you wanted for lunch or what you and your friends would play at recess. *Sigh* Those were the days.

Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm going to "publicly announce" this on this site and perhaps a couple others so everyone can know at once and not all ask questions.

Drew [if you don't know who he is, then you were out of the loop the past two years. . . but in short he was the object of my affections (not to mention my best friend), affections which he seemed to return] has a girlfriend. I am happy for him and glad he is gotten over Sam.

Though, as a side note. . . boys, it is extremely rude and degrading to a girl (not to mention your best friend) when you intentionally lead her on and tell her that some day soon you will have a talk with her that will possibly change your relationship with her. If you do not like a girl, it is degrading to flirt with her [in general, but ESPECIALLY physically(ie tickling, picking up, playing with hair, etc.)] and to tell her things that will make her think you are interested in a relationship with her.

Just thought I'd announce that rather publicly . . .

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Love. . .

So, I was watching a video on youtube today, and it was this one song (Love Song by Stellar Kart) with 1 Cor. 13:1-13 scrolling down the screen while it was playing. Anyway, it's been hitting me hard lately that my love does not depend upon anyone else (namely, parents and male affection) but that God loves me, and I have so many people in my life that love me, and I am just so blessed. Love is such an awesome thing. And God. . . God is love, so how can there be anything better?

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." -C.S. Lewis