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| wow. in two days, we're going to be upperclassmen. and all of the little freshmen will be staring awkwardly at us and they'll be all like, "wow, i'ma get all makey-outey all over those uppa-classmen with their learners permits".
but seriously, like julian said, if this year goes anywhere near as fast as this summer does, we're going to be seniors in no time at all.
pretty scary.
anyway, i'm sick of summer now. so, that being said, bring it on, muh'fukkahh. | | |
| so they (meaning ryan) say that the summer before junior year is the period when everything changes, when everyone starts maturing and growing up.
and i say that's crap, because, yeah, i went through a lot of crazy milestone-esque life-defining stuff this summer, but i still giggle when someone says the word "sack".
13 days and counting. | | |
| i've always thought that in everyone's life, there are three significant people in terms of romantic relationships: the first person you ever love, the person you love the most, and the person you're mature enough to be with for the rest of your life.
i was thinking about this last night, and i realized that i've met two of the three in the past year and a half or so. i also realized that i'm pretty lucky. why? because even though i'm incredibly young, i haven't had any of those fake relationships that kids tend to have... it's all been real. plus i haven't had any seriously horrible experiences. the first time, back when i was fifteen, i was lucky enough to fall for a guy who listened to me and tried his best to care for the time that we were together, and when it fell apart, he was still there, willing to listen and joke around and everything, even though things were and still are incredibly awkward. plus i learned a lot from him, and i still do. i'm lucky enough to have an ex who doesn't curse my existence, who puts up with my shit, who doesn't burn effigys of me (even though i was a pretty bad girlfriend), who is actually a genuinely caring person, and who is growing a pretty sweet mustache. so thanks for that, mr. peanut. i mean, um, aaron.
which brings me to the next, sadder part. i guess i'm still lucky in terms of the second person, the person i love the most, but it hurts more. i was lucky enough to find a guy who was exactly like me, and who was handsome, smart, funny, understanding... everything i could ever want. and this is the part that hurts the most: i guess i'm lucky it's ending this way. i mean, we could have a huge fight and end up hating each other but still loving each other, and it could all be a huge mess. but that's not what's happening. i'm lucky enough to have a guy who knows when to end it before it gets any worse, who admits that he loves me. i guess i'm lucky. i just wish it would stop hurting so much and that i could stop crying and realize that this is all for the best... but i wish i could see him one last time. but what would that solve? i don't know. all i know is that i've never known that anybody could love a person as much as i love alex. and i know that neither of us is mature enough to have a long distance relationship. i wish that we had more time together. and i wish that we could meet again someday in the future.
i feel defeated. i want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up. but i've gotta hold my head up high. i've gotta be strong, even if it's just for him. because i know he'd rather see me living life and not letting this kill me.
and it is killing me. but i'm going to move on for him. i'm going to make the most of everything for him. i'm going to do well in everything i do because of him.
i'll never stop loving either of these guys. the first one i love as a good friend, even though we don't talk much. and the second one... the only person i've been able to admit to being truly in love with... i'll always be in love with.
so i guess what's left is to wait until i find person #3, which i hope isn't for awhile, because i don't think i can really deal with this situation right now. i'm going to give it all i've got, though.
God help me. | | |
| "i don't mean to toot my own horn, but, well, toot toot"
-geoffrey lapid on the brink of a great idea, c. 2004 | | |
| 1. last night i found out that some girl i've never even met thinks i'm pretentious, don't understand what i'm talking about and that i don't take anything seriously. which is kinda sad, because i thought she was an ok kid, and kinda weird, because she's never heard me talk. hmm.
2. today i saw this girl i went to middle school with at the gap. for some reason, i wondered if she would recognize me, so i walked past her very slowly and stared right at her. she looked right past me, and for some reason i was relieved. i wouldn't rather fancy looking like i did back in seventh or eighth grade. i was kind of a beast.
3. a couple days ago i sent a patient to the wrong gurney. hilarious, slightly life-threatening times ensued.
4. homely P Pronunciation Key (hml)
adj. homelier, homeliest
Not attractive or good-looking: a homely child.
Lacking elegance or refinement: homely furniture.
Of a simple or unpretentious nature; plain: homely truths.
Characteristic of the home or of home life: homely skills.
i've done my play research.
5. i heard the "fairies landing" ringtone thing that we used to always hear in english. i realized i miss english very much. which is sad.
6. the grapes of wrath makes me want to punch steinbeck in the face and ask, "why?!". then i realize that he's dead, and even if he weren't, he lived a crazy life and probably wouldn't take kindly to me punching him in the face.
7. i still think pancakes are way better than waffles
8. sometimes i disgust myself. not because of the pancake thing. but because of other, sadder things.
9. sometimes i wonder if people read this. sometimes i wonder why i even type this stuff, seeing as how it doesn't really matter if people do. i guess i just do this so somewhere along the line i can look back at it and laugh about how odd i was at this certain time period. because really, that's what i do a lot.
10. it bothers me when i watch an early episode of a cartoon and one of the characters has a slightly different voice than he or she normally has in the later episodes. like the early episodes of the simpsons, or the first episode of family guy.
11. in the spirit of summer, i'm vomiting out everything in my mind onto this here blog until i'm tired. i've been eating way too many pringles.
12. everytime i'm on the freeway i tend to stare out the window and reminisce about things a lot. in the past week i've gotten several flashbacks, like when adri and i used to call each other in seventh and eighth grade and i used to teach her stuff on the guitar... and that period of time near the end of freshman year when it was all rainy...but the nice kind of rainy, not the lame kind, and i would just spend hours after school dancing in the rain with different people every time. and, during the same time period, when all of us... or most of us at least... would congregate under that one palm tree at lunch, sometimes with a guitar, and just lay on each other, fall asleep on each other, and argue about star wars and talk about odd sexual acts. and that time in the middle of sophomore year when we were all sitting in our usual spot under another palm tree, and we stuck a tampon in a water bottle and went crazygonuts. and that other time that christian was the only guy in the group not on the retreat, so i took the liberty to rape him. and that time at the very end of sophomore year, the day before finals, when alex visited and that asshole lady kicked him off campus because of his skateboard, and we ended up awkwardly hanging out on the hill in front of the woodman building.
13. i wonder if that spider on my wall knows where it's going.
14. i start freaking out and getting into weird moods when i don't see certain people for a period of time even as short as a week. which makes me wonder: what the hell am i going to do when it'll be impossible to see them at all, or at least for a period of months? it's all confusing and it hurts sometimes.
15. i surprise myself at how cheesy i can be.
16. i wonder what some people i've lost touch with are doing right now. probably getting high and still keeping in touch with each other.
17. i'm pretty lame i guess.
18. i'm pretty awesome i guess.
19. i wanna go outside.
20. banana.
21. this is getting long.
22. but it's all for me.
23. feminists are fucking scary sometimes.
24. i've said sometimes a lot. well, there ya go. things aren't constant.
25. i have odd OCD concerning significant numbers, so i'm ending this on 25. the fact that there are certain numbers that are more significant than others saddens me. however, it's my fault.
HONESTLY:
1. Honestly, are you in love right now? sometimes i think so. :)
2. Honestly, what color is your underwear? checkered.
3. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? wishing someone would call. anyone. agh.
4. Honestly, what are you doing right now? watching adult swim and typing and stressing over stuff.
5. Honestly, what did you do today? lounged around, complained, and went to the summer workshop rehearsal, which called for some lovely bum-smacking times.
6. Honestly, what did you do yesterday? basically the same thing as today. except less bum-smacking, and no cool shoes.
7. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? nahhh.
8. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? people, being away from home, and ridiculously long, deep phonecalls with my ridiculously womanly guy friends.
9. Honestly, do you bite your nails? i don't understand why people do that.
10. Honestly, what is your mood right now? kinda sad.
11. Honestly, who would you really want to see right now? alexander parker silva, also known as aps, also known as american postal service, hahaha. and ryan :(
12. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? i'm pretty straightforward.
13. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? nah. i'm slightly irked by some individuals at the moment, however. (is it irked by or irked at? hmm...)
14. Honestly, Why are you doing this survey? because i can honestly say that i have absolutely nothing better to do. yep, nothing at all. NOTHING.
15. Honestly, do you like someone? i love someone very much. | | |
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THRUST in the direction of the problem
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