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| Alright... well... no one comes to this site anymore which is just perfect. (no sarcasm there) I really feel like writing without worrying that someone will say something about it.
Life is incredibly screwed up lately and yet, I don't seem to care. I'm alot happier than I have been in a long time and I think I finally like who I am. It just stinks that I had to go through so much pain to get where I am today. I've been single for almost a year which is shocking because I used to hate being single... I'm actually enjoying it right now. I'd rather be alone then in an unloving relationship like the last one I was in. I may have loved Lucas, but he never loved me and worse, he didn't respect me. I'm not about to get into another relationship if that's the case. I need to be with someone who not only cares about me, but who also values my opinion and takes them into consideration before making any decisions. I'm sick of being the only one in the relationship who puts any effort into it. So anyway... being single is just fine with me if it means I can date around! As far as friendships go... I've lost quite a few of them. (if you can even call me that) I guess it's okay because it just means they were never really there for me anyway. I'm glad I'm finally learning how to just let things go and let things be. And as for family... well... that's always a different story. I don't have much of one anymore. I only see 2 of my brothers and my mom now. I really only miss Brennan. It stinks... I probably won't be seeing much of him anymore. It's sad to think about that... I mean you spend a huge part of your life with your siblings then you grow up, move away, and start losing touch... Yes, they're your family which means you can never really be rid of them. lol. But things are never the same. I wonder if this is how he felt last year when I moved away.
I guess that's all I wanted to get off my chest. | | |
| Everytime I come onto this site... I wonder... "Should I change the song on here?" I had it up for a real reason last year... but I'm not pregnant anymore and haven't been for a long time now... and unlike in her song and in her life... my son didn't make it. This song makes me cry sometimes because it brings me back to a time where my life was more than my own; where I belonged to someone else; when I knew what true love really is. True love is an unconditonal love; felt right from the start and given freely without reason or thought... I loved my son more than life itself. Take everything you find beautiful in this world and it wouldn't have compared to the beauty I felt inside just knowing I was a mother.
You may have stopped coming to this site because I stopped writing my true feelings (they're still there... stronger than ever and just as difficult to describe or explain) or maybe you stopped coming because I stopped writing completely (writing just brought back the pain) or a few of you may have even stopped coming because they were sick of my song, but try and understand. I'm trying so hard to get over it and appear happy... but that's all it will ever be. I'm never going to be over it... and appearing happy is all just a facade. I worked so hard building this wall around me... but I can't keep closing myself in. If only I knew the pain would subside... If only I knew it would no longer hurt to put my feelings out there on the line... If only there were someone to help me... | | |
| New answers are in white...
0. Name: Stephanie
1. Are you a boy/ girl? Girl
2. Age: 17 18 20
3. Age you began to cut: 13 9
4. Does anyone know you cut? Most people do. Everyone No one knows that I still do it
5. Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s) know? Yes, but they don't do shit about it.
6. Have you ever burnt or bruised yourself? Yes.
7. Do you think that you are depressed? I'm positive that I am.
8. Do you think you have anxiety problems? It's a possibility.
9. Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? mildly
10. Do you have any other disorders? yep... too many to list
11. Do you have an eating disorder? not anymore. not at the moment
12. Are you on meds? (if yes what?) No, I took myself off of them
13. Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury
attempt? Nope Yes... But it was mainly because I attempted suicide
14. Have you tried to commit suicide? Yes...Hasn't everyone? Multiple times
15. How? Overdose, slit wrists, jump off a building, drown, hang myself, get run over slit thighs, stabbed myself in the chest
16. Does anyone know that you tried? Yes...A lot of people, actually.
17. Are you or have you ever been abused in any way? Yes.
18. Have you ever been sexually assaulted? yes
20. Do you do drugs? (what, how much, how often)? Not anymore I drink pretty much all the time now I rarely drink anymore... It's not a good coping method
21. Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? it's both good and bad Mostly I see it as a bad thing now...
22. Do you wish you could stop? Sometimes. yes I pray that I won't ever feel the urge to again.
23. Do you wish to stop in the future? Maybe...Only if the quality of my life improves, which I doubt it will. yes
24. What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? Before I'm usually crying and doing that sobbing thing where I nearly pass out from lack of oxygen (hyperventilating) ...During the act the crying subsides and I focus on each slash...After I feel...Hmmm, sometimes relieved, sometimes worse. Depends.
25. When you cut does it hurt? Sometimes...Depends how depressed and upset I am and what I use to cut. no... It never hurts It hurts all the time, but no worse then the reason I'm doing it
26. Do you bandage your cuts? Never. only sometimes
27. Where do you most normaly cut? lower arms, but not anymore. lower arms... but there have been other places Thighs. It's easier to hide it there
28. Please describe it. Depends how depressed I am. Sometimes they're deep, sometimes just a lot of them spread out over a few inches of my skin.
29. Are you alone? most of the time Now, yes
30. Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? My special knife I branded. lol. No, it sleeps by me sometimes I carry it I usually use a razor blade... but I don't carry it
31. Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you found? yeah
32. What have you used to injure yourself? Razor blades, knives, exacto knives, paper clips, sewing needles, pen, lighters, matches, myself, boxcutters, hairbrushes, glass
33. How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? I used to love them. They tell a story. I hate them... all of them... but they tell a story better than I think I could
34. Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? Yes.
35. What did you tell them? the truth depends on the people
36. Do you ever show people your cuts/scars? Usually only friends who seriously care and want me to stop or friends who cut themselves. they see them despite whether I show them or not
37. Have you ever designed a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape)? Yes. 38. Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs? Some are lines, some are designs, some are rows, some are just patches of scar tissue or scab because the cuts blend together to make one huge gash. some are words
39. Have you ever cut too deep? Never
40. Have you ever scared yourself while, before or after cutting? yes... plenty of times I have, but not so much anymore
41. Do you go to therapy? I used to want to I did until it was taken away from me again... I stopped going... I thought I was better
42. Do you have trust issues? YEAH I'm not sure anymore
43. Do you sit in corners? sometimes
44. Do you know people or hang out with people who cut? Most of my friends either used to cut or still do. I don't try to hang out with those people anymore
45. Are you addicted to cutting? I used to be... maybe I still am... I think I am... I am, but I don't want to be anymore | | |
| no one says "Happy Mothers Day" when you have no children here on earth...
Oh well...
Happy Mothers Day to me anyway... | | |
| Without him she is torn apart
& full of pain that no one can see
& at night all she can do is think of what will never be
When she finally falls asleep she dreams of him
his sexy smile and the way he makes her laugh
This is the only time she is ever truly happy
because in her dreams they`re not just friends
he loves her back
She wakes back up and knows she has to face reality
he does not love her, the dream is just a cruel joke
Played by the crushed heart he doesn't even know he broke | | |
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