emzadi's Xanga

Saturday, January 11, 2003

Sat, 11 Jan 2003 09:58:06 GMT

Well, I moved out of where I lived tonight. Am now staying with my parents until I can get a new place. Change seems to be my thing right now.

I am also going to start a new Xanga site in honor of all the new starts I am having in my life. Okay, it's to protect my anonymity, but let me have my denial. You can ask here, or email me, and I will tell you the new name (which I am still contemplating). After a week or so, I probably will not be posting to this site anymore. Yes, AmazingMystery, I will tell you where it is. Catch me on Yahoo.

I cannot tell you how much pain I am in right now. I am here on Xanga tonight because I cannot lay down for the pain. I am hoping it will ease up some soon. In the meantime, I am off to read up on y'all.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 00:22:02 GMT

I watch the SciFi channel alot. No horror shows for me, but otherwise I love scifi. I love the commercial where the guy with all the tattoos goes shopping and fixes a gourmet dinner, then all his tattoos come to life and they all eat dinner as a family. So much love in that commercial, so much darkness at the same time. Okay, I'm wierd, but you still come here.

Yes, I'm sick again. My roommate has been sick for over a month and now she's getting better because she gave it to me. Ugh.

Lately, military jets keep flying overhead. Used to be just one every few days, now it is groups of them quite often. They are so loud and sound so powerful, but we never know if it is a plane going overhead or one trying to land on our heads. "By the time you hear them, they're already gone." I guess we really are at war.

Well, I'm off to watch more reruns of the X-Files.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Tue, 07 Jan 2003 01:17:19 GMT

Okay, I'm done pouring out the dredges of my soul on the other new site.

Yes, I'm still unemployed. Tomorrow I will be calling a lady who wants me to sell her computer services company for her, and says I can sell my web design services to her customers as well. Then wean off of her sales as I build my business. Sounds too good to be true, except I don't like sales. Seems like something I should do, though. Don't like to work for commission either, but we'll see how that goes. If I am not making enough sales in a month, I will probably give it up.

My roommate is redecorating her house.. new flooring, appliances, paint, etc. It's all well and good for her, but to me it's just an additional stressor. There are great perks to living with her, and living alone may not be good for me at this point, but I am so ready. I need my independence back. I crave living alone. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and how I want to do it. Did you get that? Well, don't worry if you didn't. I just need a home that is mine.

My brother and his wife had separated for a while. Well, separated. They went from living with my parents to him living with my parents and her and the baby living with her aunt. Then the baby lived with my brother and parents for a while... a week or so. Now, supposedly, they are all going to stay at her aunt's. I can't keep up. But she is doing a good thing. She left him and said she wouldn't get back with him unless he got a real job. And wonder of wonders, he did.

Well, sorry to stop short, but roommate is home and I'm sure I am required to do something. Later.

Monday, January 06, 2003

Mon, 06 Jan 2003 23:02:54 GMT

Survivable New Year to you all.

I've been feeling a bit exposed over here to spout my grey and bleak thoughts, so I've established a new site for my deeper moments. If you are interested in knowing where it is, you are welcome to email me. I will consider each request on an individual basis. Hint: The farther away from me you are geographically or relationally, the better your chances of getting the new address.

I am not leaving Xanga. In the meantime, I will try to get back to posting here soon.

Friday, December 27, 2002

Fri, 27 Dec 2002 16:46:10 GMT

Well...

I haven't really had anything to say. I'm just glad Christmas is over. I pretty much stayed in hiding through the whole thing. Never went to the get-togethers I was supposed to.

Basically, didn't have Christmas. Finally, my parents called and I went to eat with them and brother at Denny's late Wednesday night, went back to their house to open the few presents there were, and my brother had a rage. Fun. Thank God it's over is all I can say.

Just feel like everything's "broken" in my life. My finances, my health, my career, my family... my spirit. I'm tired of going through the same old stuff over and over again. I want it to stop.

So, I haven't been here because all I would do is complain, like I just did. My poor roommate. She has to listen to it all the time. I try to stop, but groans of pain or complaints of self-pity escape my lips before I know it. Well, anyways, thanks for your comments and messages. I don't know when/if I will be up to being chatty again.

Hope y'all are okay and I do miss you.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

Thu, 12 Dec 2002 00:36:13 GMT

You and I are locked in my room, waiting for the flooring guys to leave. They came to measure the house, and I am sitting in here with the door locked in defiance of them entering my sacred abode. This is my only bastion of sanity in an otherwise constantly-shifting world filled with frightening changes and judgemental people. Okay, actually, my room is a mess and I don't want them seeing it because I know them personally. Happy now? Got to the truth and it's ugly? Hope you're satisfied.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Wed, 04 Dec 2002 22:55:31 GMT

Well, I'm going to give you another list or two. Not because I'm egocentric enough to think you really want another one, but more because I am keeping my deeper thoughts close to my chest right now. Sorting myself out, so to speak. Doc wants to give me more anti-depressants and some anti-anxiety meds to "help" me "cope" with my "stress." I don't want any more meds. I take too many now. Well, on to the lists.

10 of my favorite foods:

10. artichokes (boiled, dipped either in melted butter or in and oil/vinegar mixture)

9. lasagna (not eggplant, yuck!)

8. roasted chestnuts (wish I could get them all year 'round)

7. asparagus (cooked till almost mushy)

6. liver and livers (2 different things, lol)

5. raisin bran cereal (any brand)

4. barbequed chicken (sonny's is best!)

3. ice cream, preferably of the green variety (pistacio nut, mint chocolate chip)

2. pizza with pepperoni, extra cheese, mushrooms, and anchovies

1. ice-cold Coca-Cola in a glass glass

My 10 top TV shows:

10. Touched By An Angel (make me cry every time)

9. Doc (I think I'd like to know Billy Ray)

8. Monk (my mom has OCD, I can relate)

7. Busted (Animal Planet)

6. Animal Precinct (how can people be cruel to helpless animals???)

5. Outer Limits (like my life)

4. The Twilight Zone (and a new series was just launched)

3. Stargate SG-1 (didn't get into it first go 'round, but now they've started them over on the sci-fi channel and I'm hooked)

2. Farscape (new season starts in January, woohoo! I love Ka D'Argo!)

1. Star Trek, all series (i know, no surprise there, but TNG is best! ooohhh Jonathan Frakes!)

My 10 most-visited websites (other than email, etc):

10. Graceful Bee (scrapbooking resource)

9. The Advocate (local newspaper)

8. Switchboard (find phone numbers and addresses)

7. TekTips (technical resource, forum-style)

6. TechRepublic (technical resource)

5. Gist (tv schedules)

4. Monster and other job search sites

3. CNN (duh, news!)

2. Xanga!! (no link, if you can't find it from here, you don't deserve to know)

1. AltaVista (search engine, newly redesigned)

Movies I watch over and over again:

10. Flashdance (laugh at your own risk, but I love the music and the whole "against the odds" thing)

9. VeggieTales, "Are You My Neighbor?" (the one with the hairbrush song!)

8. Don't Tell Her It's Me (aka The Boyfriend School, love Steve Guttenberg's New Zealand alter ego, Lobo)

7. Left Behind (true life)

6. Fools Rush In (Matthew Perry is so ... endearing in this one)

5. Pride & Prejudice (the one with Colin Firth... "...how I ardently love and admire you...")

4. Rigoletto (the solo by the main character is spellbinding)

3. Anything with Tom Hanks

2. Anything with Meg Ryan

1. Star Trek, any (again, I know)

Solaris Review:

If you are a George Clooney fan and want to see his butt alot, go. If you are a relationship guru, go. If you are a sci-fi fan who loves science-driven plots and original hi-tek special effects, stay home and watch re-runs of the Matrix.

Sheesh, that was a long movie. It should be subtitled, "Much Ado About Nothing." Oh, that's taken. Well, I was not taken with Solaris. Or George's gratuitous butt show. The first shot was pleasant. The next 42 were just plain embarrassing.

Can I think of one redeeming thing about Solaris? Not without investing some thought. Maybe, just maybe. The music was beautiful. Ethereal. Evocative. I need to look for the soundtrack.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Tue, 03 Dec 2002 03:01:41 GMT

[static]

"test...test...is this thing on?"

Whew. Xanga's back. It's one thing to keep my silence a few days. Entirely another for blogging to be completely out of reach.

It feels good to be back.

Monday, November 25, 2002

Mon, 25 Nov 2002 22:37:47 GMT

Afternoon. Just got back from Arby's for lunch. Sat in the parking lot and worked on a crochet project for a bit.

Well, I'm still hanging in there at the job. Still employed for the moment. At lunch the other day, the owner looked around the table and said if we don't get this big contract, next lunch will be about 40% lighter on attendees. There were about 15 people present.

My roommate keeps telling me that now I have to have gallbladder surgery. We were at a restaurant the other night, and suddenly I was in great pain, like there was a band constricting me, nearly cutting me in two at ribcage level from front to back. I didn't touch my food, and couldn't find a comfortable sitting position. I just wanted to lie down. Finally, about 1 AM, it eased up. I have had similar pains a few times recently, but never that bad. She says the pains are a definite warning of gallbladder problems, but what are the chances we would need the same surgery at the same time?? I mean, really.

Went to the craft fair Saturday. It's a tradition. My mom and I go every year. We had the baby this year, and it was lots of fun. He got to see Santa, but it was too cold to stand in line for a picture with him. We'll let his mom take him inside the warm mall for that. We ate funnel cake, walked for a couple hours, and rolled our eyes at the exhorbitant prices they were charging. It has gotten out of hand. But it was still a lot of fun. Then we went to WalMart to look at the parts for those crafts and make them ourselves at a quarter of the price.

(*addition) After that, I took my mom and the kiddo out for a lebanese/jamaican dinner. Mom had lebanese, I had jamaican (oh goodness! but that was good), and Taylen, of course, had both. I had never had jamaican food before, but I had Jerk Pork that night. Odd name, I know, but it is pork that is smoked, roasted, or some such thing, and just falls apart on your plate. I had Jerk Chicken, which was great, too. But the pork was sensational! (end addition*)

I've decided I might (that's a decision??) make some small scrapbooks for folks for Christmas. It will be cheaper, and being a hair from unemployed, cheap is good. I have tons and tons of photos in boxes that I could use, and all that scrapbook paraphernalia. Might as well.

Well, back to work for now. I'll try to check in later.

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3:20pm... A little difficult to concentrate, so I will take a break and write up a bit of a gratefulness list, as is the theme amonst so many of you bloggers...

Ten Things For Which I Am Grateful:

10) That I have this job, for at least another week or two.

09) That I am alive, still.

08) That Xanga exists for me to spill out my thoughts upon.

07) That I've not had another pseudo-"gallstone" attack.

06) That my parents and I get along so well, and are such good friends.

05) That I have a relatively new car.

04) That I am able to pay my car insurance this week.

03) That my roommate and I are getting along better.

02) That we still have cable.

01) That God is not letting me go, but helps me out of the pit of despair on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis.

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Wow, as I read over that, I am struck by how many of those items revolve around $$$, or the lack thereof...

Back to work...

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4:11pm... and very poorly motivated.

Did I tell you that I don't think I can keep my nephew overnight anymore? I'm so sad, but I am in such pain for days after keeping him for just a few hours, that I had to do it. I guess he is my only moments of parenthood, something that I have always wanted with every fiber of my being and never got... so it is really hard to give up any of my time with him.

Oh well, I know, Joe... 'get over it, maria." I'm trying, I'm trying.

Back to work again...

Friday, November 22, 2002

Fri, 22 Nov 2002 23:40:04 GMT

Late entry today. Busy, busy spending days learning a task at work that I will only be doing for 2 weeks. Hey, but I'm getting paid to do it.

I am sooooo glad today is Friday.

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Strength from within rising upward,
Boiling out the boiling mad.
Weakness pushed aside once more,
Survival dictates, don't be so sad.

Pills and platitudes to make us happy,
Numbing but not solving things,
Words from Him await our vision,
Answers would those words now bring.

And yet each day we turn away
Reading not, but weeping do
Frustrated, angry without hope
Not knowing how we'll make it through.

Open, Read, and Contemplate!
Look for light for your next step.
For in those pages, the thoughts of God,
Your future joy is therein kept.

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Does it seem like everybody, here and IRL, is having a tough time of it? I am surrounded by people who are being hit with really rough struggles. And even the ones who have nothing really bad going on, seem weaker in coping with the usual things. I wonder what's going on with that.

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Ugh. Back to work.

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Hmm, SandiLyn did a list I think I will duplicate for myself...

10 things you probably don't know about me:

1. I was in the Civil Air Patrol for about 6 years, and rose to Acting Cadet Commander.

2. I have no appendix.

3. I prefer silver jewelry.

4. I hate green beans.

5. I lived in Switzerland for 4 months.

6. I was president of my nursing class.

7. I was married once.

8. I'm addicted to Advil.

9. The insides of computers bore me.

10. I have copyrights in my name.

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Well, back to work... again.
Sigh.