all moments in time change.  people change into forms of what they once were.  scenarios change following the diffent courses people take.  even goals and ambitions change as new doors lead to new paths.  but the pain never really does change.  even though the conflicts of the heart finally come to a climax, the pain doesn't cease even at an instant.  though one things certain now, i've forged a path to follow.  knowing the consequences of my actions.  knowing that the cost would be too unbearable to grasp.  quite a cruel way to live.

ok......i'll admit....i'm bored lol.

probably should get some sleep....

last nights shot of tequilla made me realize something.  i've worked all day pressing on with barely any breaks with the business coat, blue tie, and matching black pants.  went to a christmas party soon after still in my suit.  and still going on about how awesome my job is as well as the pay.  i wish i could say that this isn't what i wanted.....  but i did.....  

i still fight my mind relentlessly over that dark side of myself from taking control of me.  and for what?  to constantly weep over the things of the past that will drag me onto the void all over again.  but then i know i can never become as cruel as i feared only because i still have a heart.

I remember a long time ago of the one thing i once feared.  i feared that one day that i would a attain a greater sense of strength that i never asked for.  gaining more wisdom than i possibly could ever hope for; yet again, i did not ask for this either.  to attain a successful position that can only leave myself to keep on succeeeding; still, i never wanted all of this.  and the cost to maintain these things is to offer my own heart as a sacrifice.  a fear that truly plagues me even more.

As for the things that i want, i cannot ask for any of it.  to ask for such things will only draw me closer to my own demise.  to finally make decisions based soley upon my hearts desires.  to be able to do what i feel is right rather than knowing that its meant to be done.  to feel free from the things that still hold me back.

Its not wrong to hope for such things though.  After all, its only human nature to resist the darkness that plagues ones soul.  The dream of leaving ones burdens away and cast the darkness back to the shadows of which it belongs.  And being able to live life with content as a result of conquring the trials we face.

I no longer fear those things that plague me in the past.  I bear no hatred for myself for fearing such things either.  But i never truly conqured the darkness that resides in my heart.  After all, its only human nature to try to conqur the darkness.  I, however, merely devoured it....

so far my flu i caught a while ago is clearing up.  of what started out as a simple sore throat evolved into something worst.  rather than slow my training down, i instead welcomed it as a chance in order to recall after weeks of training.  so far, i was able to draw it all back the other night.  because of that, i ended up hindering my recovery to the point that i couldn't even get up til 11:00am the nxt day