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| exhausted and still hopingi want to write so much, but right now, that says pretty much everything i feel in a nutshell.
take it easy kids, catch you soon.
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| i hope i'm readyb/c i'm finally going to have to let you go.
i have for so long as i can remember, been overly protective of my little sister. she's always been there, holding my hand, staring back at me, waiting with that innocent face. she's felt like an extension of me, forever. i'm so excited about her going away, happy and content with her decision. i'm so happy to have been a part of her decision, but part of me, already knows i'm going to miss her. and that this is going to be a little harder on me than i expect it to be.
so iA, i hope this is the best decision for you. i hope you have the time of your life. that it's all you expect and deserve.
in the mean time, i'll be learning to loosen my grip and watch you walk on the balance beam that is life, all on your own.
i'm so proud of you [mA].
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| just to feel somethingi'm tired of being this numb. so few things evoke emotion in me lately. somehow i'm going through all the motions without feeling anything. it's an odd emotional overload that my mind is avoiding.
just to feel something..that's all i want now. even when i do, it feels so brief.
p.s. i'm 10 days from turning 21. i half can't believe it, and i half don't want it to come. the last year..it feels like i've lived a lifetime in it.
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it's not really a pain, as much an indifference. i think.
a little of it may be because usually this time every year i do my whole reflection thing. i don't really have time for it this year. though it may be unfortunate, i don't mind so much. to be honest, this year seems so long in my mind, that i don't know if reflecting on ALL of it is possible. but the least, i could do is thank those who like always have stood by me, ask for forgiveness from those who i've wronged, and forgive the ones who may have wronged me.
here's to a clean slate. for me and you.
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| after so longxanga and i have this odd, love/hate relationship. i love it because it helps me release so much, but i hate it because i have to sit down, clear my mind, and figure out what i feel, to write. for the most part it has been a simple process to come here and spill my thoughts. but now..now when i am at the oddest crossroads of my life i feel judged by this box when i come here. silly i know.
one of my best friends, got married about a week and a half ago and i could not be any happier for her [masha'Allah] but for me, it brought me back to struggle on my again with this feeling i've had. it is a relentless feeling, i'm surrounded by people, i can always find something to do, and i might in those moments be happy, but the moment i am left alone again, i am simply lost. it's an odd sense of boredom that i have and the thing is I AM BUSY. at work, at school, even socially. how can you have so much to do and be so bored and empty? i can't fathom how i got here. well maybe i can, but even so, i never expected to be here.
the thing is, when it comes down to it, as i have gotten older i have picked very carefully the people i befriend, and even more closely who i let into my circle of trust. [don't worry i know this is very common] but in doing so what i've found is that most of the friends that i consider the closest are physically absent. there's no blame there, we try to keep up, and we do well for the most part. but sometimes i really miss just being able to call and have an entourage to go somewhere or just spend time with.
so then it comes back to just me. i know i'm amazing, don't get me wrong [lol], but when it's just you and your thoughts are spinning and spinning, where do you go from there?
the other downfall of the situation i have is, for the most part i feel very fulfilled. i have reconnected with family and reestablished a lot with the friends i trust most, but b/c i'm so fulfilled i never really feel like letting anyone new into my life. where would i even make room for them? fine maybe i would, but they'd have to push and struggle against me for a minute. be it as a friend, more, or just an acquaintance even. isn't that a horrible thing to have to say? that b/c i'm so fulfilled i'm basically refusing to let most new people into my life. its a disgusting feeling honestly.
i feel like i used to be so much nicer, so much more open. i know i was. and yeah i've learned a few lessons, but i'm not ready to settle down for just this. it's like i'm always looking for more, but i can't find ANYTHING. where do i go? i've even restarted religious research/studying/activity. i know a lot of people say that's where you should go when you're searching. and i always have a book on me, even books are leaving this little last bit unfulfilled.
yes i still feel judged by this box. and pretty much as silly and confused as when i sat down to write. but there it is.
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so i walk. on this starlit path, with nothing but their light. the patches of light fall across the ground through the trees. the path before me shows no direction, each turn feels sudden, each slant steeper than expected. it's so dark, where i stand, i can see the crossroads but my heart can't seem to settle on any of them. it is a restless feeling standing in this darkness with nowhere to go. the light showing me barely anything ahead, only fails me more.
where would you have me go?
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a friend of mine wrote me an email about some old writing today, it was unexpected but very appreciated. thank you. 
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| timetime seems to slip out of my hands faster than sand lately. i feel like i blink and a week is gone. i know they say as you get older it happens, but i wonder if it's this fast now, how much faster can it even get.
three of my friends are getting engaged/married in the next month or so [iA]. before i know it my friends will be having kids. WHAT? did i really just say that. the thing is it's true and that's what scares me the most. it's not that we'll be moving to the next phase of our lives that scares me, how fast it might happen is what makes me want to find a pause button. every moment is so full, i barely get to feel it before i'm whisked onto something else.
i love my friends and i'm genuinely happy for all of them, but i've never felt more doomed to wander the land that is singledom. lol. i'm not worried, it's just in my group of friends that i hang out w/ everyone tends to pair off, and that's when i just stand there and smile like a complete moron b/c that's all i can do.
in most ways i'm content where i am, but my only prayer now is that i use my time wisely and that when the right person comes along, my heart is at ease with them. i have so much on my plate, i don't really feel like dealing with another battle.
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