| | after so longxanga and i have this odd, love/hate relationship. i love it because it helps me release so much, but i hate it because i have to sit down, clear my mind, and figure out what i feel, to write. for the most part it has been a simple process to come here and spill my thoughts. but now..now when i am at the oddest crossroads of my life i feel judged by this box when i come here. silly i know.
one of my best friends, got married about a week and a half ago and i could not be any happier for her [masha'Allah] but for me, it brought me back to struggle on my again with this feeling i've had. it is a relentless feeling, i'm surrounded by people, i can always find something to do, and i might in those moments be happy, but the moment i am left alone again, i am simply lost. it's an odd sense of boredom that i have and the thing is I AM BUSY. at work, at school, even socially. how can you have so much to do and be so bored and empty? i can't fathom how i got here. well maybe i can, but even so, i never expected to be here.
the thing is, when it comes down to it, as i have gotten older i have picked very carefully the people i befriend, and even more closely who i let into my circle of trust. [don't worry i know this is very common] but in doing so what i've found is that most of the friends that i consider the closest are physically absent. there's no blame there, we try to keep up, and we do well for the most part. but sometimes i really miss just being able to call and have an entourage to go somewhere or just spend time with.
so then it comes back to just me. i know i'm amazing, don't get me wrong [lol], but when it's just you and your thoughts are spinning and spinning, where do you go from there?
the other downfall of the situation i have is, for the most part i feel very fulfilled. i have reconnected with family and reestablished a lot with the friends i trust most, but b/c i'm so fulfilled i never really feel like letting anyone new into my life. where would i even make room for them? fine maybe i would, but they'd have to push and struggle against me for a minute. be it as a friend, more, or just an acquaintance even. isn't that a horrible thing to have to say? that b/c i'm so fulfilled i'm basically refusing to let most new people into my life. its a disgusting feeling honestly.
i feel like i used to be so much nicer, so much more open. i know i was. and yeah i've learned a few lessons, but i'm not ready to settle down for just this. it's like i'm always looking for more, but i can't find ANYTHING. where do i go? i've even restarted religious research/studying/activity. i know a lot of people say that's where you should go when you're searching. and i always have a book on me, even books are leaving this little last bit unfulfilled.
yes i still feel judged by this box. and pretty much as silly and confused as when i sat down to write. but there it is.
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so i walk. on this starlit path, with nothing but their light. the patches of light fall across the ground through the trees. the path before me shows no direction, each turn feels sudden, each slant steeper than expected. it's so dark, where i stand, i can see the crossroads but my heart can't seem to settle on any of them. it is a restless feeling standing in this darkness with nowhere to go. the light showing me barely anything ahead, only fails me more.
where would you have me go?
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a friend of mine wrote me an email about some old writing today, it was unexpected but very appreciated. thank you. 
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| | Posted 3/31/2008 11:33 PM - 4 comments
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