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eoan
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Name: Roxan
Gender: Female
Interests: [MUSIC] Industrial, EBM, darkwave, old-school "Goth," deathrock, some psychobilly, synthpop!, j-shock, doom/goth/black metal, some hardcore to "dance" to and beat the fuck out of people who underestimate short girls... [VISUAL/MEDIA ARTS] Photography, cinematography, digital manipulation, films, anime, manga... [DEVIANCE] self-inflicted injury, porn, sadomasochism, bondage, public display of uninhibited lust, smut, yaoi hentai, Elegant Gothic Lolitas, sexual submission, sex-play, Sanguinarians, haemosexuality, androgyny...
Expertise: Injury, pleasure, torture, and well-written prose.
Occupation: Medical
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
AIM:  Pushpop Roxy
Member Since:
7/20/2004
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| Preview from latest shoot.
OLLY CRAFT, it's bright.
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| Stream of consciousness II I'm really not a Starbucks kind of person. I'm more like the kind of person who glares at another person walking down the street with a Starbucks cup in hand because they're that pretentious they'd pay $4 for a "tall" cup of coffee just so everyone can know that their coffee cup is 60% post-consumer waste. I was guilty tonight though - and that's just one example of how much I spoiled myself today. At first meet, it's pretty obvious that I'm girly. Funny how I scowl at people for paying for an overpriced caffeinated beverage when I take out my anger in the same way that most females do -- go shopping. Scout for new shoes, cute outfits, accessories I can't not have ... yeah, I do all that. My chromosomes can't help it that the whole shopping experience is oddly therapeutic during times of stress (even though I'm sure this isn't a good enough excuse for it).
I'm really flustered these days with the many new things (and newer things coming up) in my life. I'm vague about a lot of it because I think I've fully explained the situations to those important enough to know about it; the rest can dwell on the missing parts of the story. I know that comes off as a bit arrogant but just because I have a MySpace that sums up about 60% of my life, it doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up my entire soul to the internet just yet. (Well, unless you have access to my livejournal at which point everything's just about in there, hah.)
Everything is about to change and I am scared and excited at the same time. It's definite that I'm moving to Florida for the next school year - which school I will be in is still being decided though. In more recent news, I am also looking into doing my co-op experience in Florida to better ease myself into things. The co-op work will take up six months and I will have to do the searches independently. The problem with that is I have until August on my studio lease. I would have to talk to my landlord about breaking my contract unless my parents were serious about taking the place for me as a little get-away. I doubt they are. In any case though, I can always sublet my studio until my contract is over. Oh, and another problem - my co-op lasts until the end of September. Most schools start the semester at the beginning of September or late August so I would have to petition for some sort of early leave for co-op. I don't know if that's possible but Jessi says so. I have to look into that whole thing, too. Heh . . . as if being an international student wasn't hard enough with this whole co-op thing. And then ... where willl I stay? Then there's the car issue and going to open houses for school, moving all my stuff down there, dealing with immigration and the whole transfer process, getting another student loan. . .
A great part of me fears change - and with this case, especially, why wouldn't I fear it? Everything is going to change. I suppose it's natural to be anxious about it, especially when you're barely on the first step to getting to your destination. The difficult part is that to keep proceeding, I have to look past the present. I need to transcend all the bullshit that's somehow crept into my life and pick myself up. It isn't easy when it feels like the whole city is against you, but that isn't an excuse. I've gotten through living by myself in Philadelphia for 2 1/2 years . . . I can do this.
My parents and my godmother visited me today. They were proud of my little shoebox-sized studio and how I've kept up with everything. I felt really good being around them. Although I hadn't disclosed all of the details of my life in Philly, the smiles on their faces and the kindness in their eyes told me that they knew and, more importantly, that it was okay; I was forgiven. It was one of those tacit things that'll rarely happen in your life ... that you knew things were going to be alright even though the skies were still bleak and there is still a long way to go before you can find home.
Tonight, walking past the formidable buildings Downtown and sipping my aureate cup, it was just odd how the whole city for once finally seemed familiar to me. A part of me regrets a lot of the things I've done while living here and I wish I had never met a good chunk of the people I considered as my "friends" but I can't hold any of that against me now. I took in my surroundings and felt like I could breathe freely. It was almost like me and this hateful city finally came to a truce. This city took me in, spat me out, and I'm still whole.
I've realized after all thsi time, that what I had been searching for all along was home - the idea of something unexplainably familiar - somewhere you belong. I know where that is now DEFINITELY. Even though there are a lot of things to accomplish first, I can see home so clearly from here.
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| Bizz & Roxy <333
Oh, goodness... I'm so in love with this guy, I can't take it!!
asldkjlffgsfsdgsgg :D :D :D
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| Meeting my match. They only see him like this.
He's just some rockstar and I'm just "some groupie." But there is so much more, and I can't believe it actually happened....
The most beautiful person in the whole world to me lives in Florida.
I visited Bryce this weekend. The time went by so quickly that I could barely believe I had stayed as long as I did. I stayed at his grandmother's and she is the sweetest lady I've ever met. She even made us pumpkin pie because Bryce told her I'd never had pumpkin pie before. She was always offering to cook for us. I had the best beef roast there ever!
We even carved a pumpkin! It looks really cool - we used a white pumpkin to carve out a skull. Racist pumpkin? Haha.
We were supposed to carve out two pumkins though. The other one is orange and was supposed to have a spider on a web but we didn't get to that because we figured we'd get the easier pumpkin out of the way first. Turns out it wasn't as easy as we'd thought but apparently a power drill can solve lots of problems (ones that include pumpkins, anyway).
We went to Wal-Mart almost every night, haha. I've never had so much fun being at Wal-Mart before and not really doing much of anything. We got these matching massive pink claw-feet slippers there and some botulism-in-a-bottle drinks. We spent so much time there that we were hoping that the lady at the front would've known our names already.
We went to the beach, too! A full moon was out when were there so it really lit up the whole place. Yeah, that was an amazing night of firsts (haha, inside joke). I'd like to go back there again, especially at the same time we went. I've never seen the moon so big and full of light like that. The stars were even more amazing with the way they were all visible and shining. The stars don't shine down on Philadelphia. Ever.
A lot of the time we were indoors just hanging out and watching The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Haha I was sleeping a lot - something I haven't been doing much of these past couple of weeks. My sleep schedule is so messed up now because of it. We'd spend most of the night and early mornings talking and pass out by like 6 AM, wake up by like 4 PM. Aaaagh.
We did walk a trail though! It was behind his grandmom's house and there was a huuuuuge wooded area there. It freaked us out one night though because we, um... were taking things.. and we kept hearing random noises. He told me that the noises that night were alligators crawling out of the water!
Also, did you know? That when he met me at the airport, he met me with flowers!!! I couldn't believe it ^_^ This picture was actually taken on my last day there cuz I forgot to take one earlier. Eeep!
So, well... I don't know. I feel really happy after my little get-away. I feel like there are a lot of new things ahead to look forward to. I'm learning not to wallow on things that can't change because doing that isn't going to do me any good and I don't want to keep waiting around anymore. It isn't fair to me and I think that I have a say in that, at least. I guess now I'm doing what I finally want to do and what feels... natural, I guess. It's probably a little impulsive, but I'm taking a great leap of faith that I can't help but believe in. I know what I want and I know where it is. A friend told me, "What you want is what you deserve" and I firmly believe that. I'm a relatively good person and I think that this is something I'm at least deserving of. In a way, I don't feel like sharing my little epiphanies with people because I'm sure they wouldn't understand. Just starting off on the situation, I'm sure they would instantly label me and conceive this idea of me being someone I'm not. But I guess people are like that and there's not much I can say to undo the ignorance of some people. But I am happy and clear-minded despite what people might have to think. Nothing of what they can say is going to change that because I'm sure if they had found something as great, they would cherish it forever.
So, yes... I am officially off the market again.
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| Here's a hint:
Me and him...
we are totally hitting it off <3
V V V V 
It's a bad picture,
but there are tons more coming.
There's this, too.
Yeahhh... we both love Midori Sours.
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