Currently Listening Coco By Colbie Caillat see related

regret?

A large part of me wishes I were going to graduate school this fall. There were options, but these options just weren't good enough. Knowing this, however, does not quell the disappointment; for the first time, I'm starting to regret some of these decisions I made... about this city, my college, my lack of ambition in the past years, the small size of my writing portfolio, my lack of effort in college. I know one isn't supposed to dwell on what-might-have-beens, but a part of me has flickered over the question now and again of what would've happened if I'd really shot for that Ivy League school. I guess... I didn't expect to be so disappointed by my college experience. Or... wow, I'm just going to stop. I have to figure out what I'm going to do now... I just didn't think I'd regret this particular thing. Not that I'd change it all; there are some things for which I'm glad -- quite glad. But, how did I let myself turn into such a bum? It's been so long since I've held a lifestyle that was even near my potential. Realizing that makes me a little sick.

Well, time to strap in; this is the part where I start changing it.

It begins....

Last night, my roommate and I were up a bit later than I should have been (granted, I should have been in bed by the time she got home) discussing matters of variable importance but great amusement (at least, to me). Knowing the effects of a couple short-sleep nights in a row, I set the coffee pot to brew automatically in the morning. But, after staying in bed as long as I possibly could, I rushed out the door, still sleepy, forgot the coffee... which goes to show even more how I could have really used some.

It's getting harder and harder to get up and go to work these days. I used to give myself an hour to go from bed to out the door, giving me time to go through the whole morning routine, including showering, eating a decent breakfast, and just barely getting my hair done before jetting out the door... today, we're talking 20 minutes, showering and throwing the hair back in a ponytail. There are multiple factors -- at the heart of them my workplace itself, at the periphery things like staying up later than I should, and in between what may be the beginnings of a wave of the familiar restlessness.

Currently Listening Easy Tiger By Ryan Adams see related

How is it that Ryan Adams seems to know my life?

(...and no, I'm not telling you which lyrics correspond with what or with whom....)

You're free
You're free
You're free
Free with a history

The only difference is
The only difference is
The truth
Truth is, I miss you

And I'm still out at sunset in a taxicab
I'm still at the movies, and I'm holding your hand
I'm still at an overpass view, looking out at the lights
I'm still on an airplane, and I'm starting to cry
I don't think about you

I'm lost, but thank God I'm lost
I mean, what does anybody even really want?

If I could, I'd fold myself away like a card table
A concertina, or a Murphy bed -- I would
But I wasn't made that way, so you know, instead...

Everything's changing, so how am I to know
How I'm going to hold onto you when I'm spinning out of control
You and I together, but only one of us in love
And everybody knows

'Cause everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright

I can name the people I know that don't know themselves
Without talkin' to nobody
I can count the people I know that wanna fix themselves
Without takin' my hands out of my pockets

I'm getting tired and I wanna go home
I don't know where that is anymore
I don't know where that is anymore
I don't know where that is anymore
I don't know where that is anymore
Used to be off Broadway

It takes two when it used to take one
It takes two when it used to take only one

Streets that only turn to boulevards
And houses with backyards
And it's raining like hell on the cars
And everybody knows the way I walk
And knows the way I talk
And knows the way I feel about you

So pardon me, angel, pardon me, angel
Pardon me, my love for you is a stranger
That you met someplace but ignored

I'm holding you close in the back of my mind
Raise my glass, 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body, and the other breaks my soul

Note to self: don't change for anyone
Note to self: don't die

My life's gotten simple since
And I fluctuate so much
Happy and sad and back again
I'm not cryin' out too much
I think about you all the time

Everybody is so make-believe, it's true
I used to be sad, now I'm just bored with you

Let me sing a song for you that's never been sung before

It's been a long and a sad goodbye
For hellos and handshakes, to kisses and lies
Ask me that you'd like to know me well
Well, you already have -- you already do
Nobody does, and I guess it says somethin' for you

I make these promises, but all my promises hurt
It's like they never get a liftoff
So if I'm bein' honest with you, and it seems like I'm bein' cruel
At least you didn't get a ripoff
And you'll know how I feel
I've got faith in you
And it's a little too late for goodbyes
Good morning -- open your eyes
 

Underdressed no more, I say...

I'm attending a wedding Saturday; I was invited only a couple days ago, to accompany the tuxedoed Best Man. When I say I haven't a single appropriate thing to wear for an occasion, it's no exaggeration. I'm a very casual person and am thus terminally underdressed... but I decided this time it wasn't going to happen. Encouraged by my roommate's offer to let me borrow clothes if I wanted or needed (she's a much better dresser than I am), I agreed to attend; in an unusual fit of femininity (becoming less and less unusual since my college graduation), however, I decided to seize the opportunity to procure a dress appropriate for such an occasion, so that I might be less of a bum than I've been for the past years.

After two trips, a couple hours spent shopping, some important help from female friends who are better at this kind of thing, and trying on about 25 dresses (most of which were the right size but didn't quite fit because of the cut of the dress -- or "fit" but weren't either appropriate or modest; others modeled after shapeless 60s styling were downright unflattering unless you were built like Twiggy), I found one I felt would do the job well. It's a rather bold geometric print, in black, white, and blue -- much louder than I normally go -- but I like it.

"Somebody's planning on looking hot," said the guy in the checkout line at the store today, as he rang up the accessories I found to complete the outfit.

I tell you, this Saturday is one day when this city's Miss Most Terminally Underdressed will not be underdressed.

Badges? Badges?! We don't need no stinking... wait, Premium?

So, fancy new badge thing. I decided to give Premium a shot, and bought a month of it with credits.

Okay, that's all for now.