every vegetarian and ecomentalist i know has been warning me how all the hormone-infused chicken i frequently eat (and greatly enjoy) will make my eyes rot so i thought it may be a good idea to see the ophthalmologist.

the eye doctor confirmed that all parts of my eyeballs were still intact and working despite my flagrant consumption of GMO foods and my pentium-processor-centric style of living. i used an atari joystick to take an entertaining peripheral vision test and as a bonus, he gave me a refresher course on reading my alphabets. i even got these cool teardrops put into my eyes that dilated my pupils, which happens to be a good excuse to give to a police officer who has pulled you over for driving while high on speedballs. all in all, my eye examination was educational and bordering on enjoyable.

i was then led back into the waiting area, where thousands of eyeglass frames lined every square inch of all four walls. the possibilities were excitingly endless. i could choose frames that would make me appear wise, hip, or homosexual. i could select frames that made me look like an emo rocker, the queen of england, or even elton john. except i couldn’t because my eyes were full of chemicals that prevented them from focusing properly. and even if my eyes could see, the lenses in these frames are covered in all sorts of stickers that advertise anti-polarizations, UV A/B/Cs, and safety warnings which effectively render you blind as a bat when you go try them on.

after groping about for a pair of glasses that fit my mutant, abnormally shaped head and confirming with the sales-woman that i did not look like a complete fool, i went to pay for my new glasses. they say that one’s eyes are the window to their soul. therefore, i was willing to splurge on window frames that would distract people from the twisted soul that lay hidden beneath. i was not, however, ready to be financially ruined. even with my health insurance, i had to pay a king’s ransom for such things such as high index lenses and scratch resistant coating. luckily, the going rate for a kidney on the black market will cover most of these costs and i hear you can function with only one.

i suppose its time to see the nephrologist.