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| I guess an Update?I don't think I've written in this thing since my birthday in November. After this, I may go and delete some entries because they're lameee. I don't really write in my Livejournal either, I guess I'm done with the blogging era.
Anyway, some stuff has happened since then.
1. I made the Steel City Derby Demons. It's a roller derby team. I'm on the Fresh Meat squad but later on after about two months I have to take a test. I think after that I get drafted onto one of the four teams: Hot Metal Hellions, Bitch Doctors, Slumber Party Slashers, and Wrecking Dolls (the team I want on!) my friend Mary (known as Metal Mary out here, bartends at the Moose, plays in a really big metal band called Behind Enemy Lines) is on the Wrecking Dolls. She wrote me a reference for tryouts and then told me her captain said I did really really well at tryouts and stood out a lot. So that was good :)
Steel City Derby Demons
2. Still no finding a job. I've put my resume out a ton of places. I search Pittsburghcreative.com and send resumes to the places I like, but I don't always know if they're hiring. Even the places I know are hiring I haven't really heardy from. So I feel crappy. like I'm not good enough. I'm sure my not being web savvy has something to do with it. I looked in the phone book at work the other day, found a few design places and some printing places. I'd be happy at a printing place again. If I can get paid well, and get benefits and do SOME design work, I'll work there and concentrate on my business.
3. Still single. Sean and I were going on after Metal Night for a while, bit I stopped that recently. There was no emotion at all what-so-ever and although thats all it was, he could have at least acted like he cared about me as a person. I got a date with a guy that worked next door to me, we went to the Natural History Museum and I had a good time. Don't know if you'd really call it a date, he's not looking for a relationship. A week or two after we went out, he came over and since that day, he's come over every week, and....yeah it's been fun. We ran into some problems..well, I did, he quit at his store and this new girl that had started right before he left said some stuff to me in a way..I don't know, I don't like her attitude, everyone at my store and even some at her store get a weird vibe. But she made it sound like her and him were going to go out on a date, and since that's how him and I got started, I figured he and her would start going at it too. SO I got upset. I really feel bad about it, I told him I don't care what he does as long as I don't know about it since we're not dating he's not committed to me, but since she's right next door and likes to apparently talk about him, I wouldn't be able to handle it. At first, the day that she said stuff to me, and the next day when we were able to talk on the phone about it, he said "I'd choose you over her" not sure what he meant by that, but the third day I was still kind of upset and probably annoyed him in to talking to me, and he didn't say that again. Also when we talked on the phone he said "Her and me wont be like me and You" and then the next day he again had changed what he was saying and said "There's a non-zero chance that something won't happen, you never know, it could" so I don't know. I like this guy A LOT. I can deal with whatever while we're not dating, but I just hope that when he's ready to start dating again, I am at least considered. I don't think I will be, I kind of asked him about it, one night at a party at my house, I was drunk and was like "I like you, would I be your type if you wanted a relationship" and he said "probably not" but really I'm not sure what exactly I said because I was drunk and half asleep, but I got upset and cried, and he almost left but I asked him not to and he stayed. Then we talked about it later on and I asked him again this time sober, and he said theoretically he'd have no problem dating me, he had miunderstood me before. But I think there are probably a LOT of girls that he has in line. He's a great guy, with a lot of friends, and I bet a lot of those girls are in the same position I am. I just wish I was good enough for someone. I don't know why I just talked about all that stuff, you guys don't care. Some things are still bothering me like what did he mean by he'd choose me over her, and why did he say they wouldn't be like us but then made it sound like they would be..and I don't know..did he really mistunderstand me or just said that to be nice.
I shouldn't be doubting his answers, but after so many guys have taken me for a spin with their lies, I am just weary and don't want to be a fool again. I love being around him. I get to see him Valentines Day, it's not a V-day date or anything, but at least I won't be sitting alone at home all night after work that night feeling like crap. Although there's nothing serious going on with me and him, his company makes me happy. I haven't seen him since all this crap happened, but talking on AIM and stuff feels weird. I'm just trying to make sure things are ok and make things feel back to normal after all the talking and crying. He's a great guy, just wish I could land him someday but I'm sure he will never be interested.
4. I've been living on Southside since July and it's been kind of crappy. My roommate is so careless and irresponsible. For awhile, she was bringing people home at 3am. It's like 2am could never be enough, she had to bring people back after the bars closed. And for a few months I was sleeping on the futon because my wall in my room was letting water in and getting moldy. So having people come in while I was sleeping really pissed me off. She has parties, which are ok usually but now we have a kitten and I'm afraid with people being drunk and careless he'll run out the door. She smokes in the apartment and my understanding when we were looking for an apartment was that we had to have a place with a nice porch for her to smoke on because she didn't want to smoke outside. I've never lived with a smoker and after this I refuse to again. The drinking has calmed down, it's just everyone made me out to be a bitch because I'd get pissed when I was ASLEEP and she'd bring people in at 3AM and they'd be loud. I fucking live here too, I'm actually on the lease and she's not, my being rested for work is a little more important than drinking MORE even after the bars close and you're already drunk. I feel like I've been walked over, and she keeps telling "Don't let people walk on you" (when I'm having a problem at work) but when I do confront her at work it's like "well, you need to understand I'm stressed from class" or "You knew it was going to be like this" and no, I didn't. Any time I was at her house, we had a few people over and sat down with some cards and played drinking games. We didn't invite people we barely knew and trashed the place. I like to party once in a while, but I don't like people over until 6am. I am more of a "go to a bar, have fun, come home, watch tv until you're not dizzy anymore, then go to bed."
I think my friend Jen and I are going to get a place next, hopefully this can be a permanent address for a while. And Jen is more like me.
So I don't know. I was happy for a while there, after the guy and I started getting together every week, but then I went into depression after that girl came in to the picture. So I don't know, it was nice knowing what happiness was like for a bit, but obviously I am bi-polar or something because the littlest thing made me unhappy. I am a mess. I didn't want him to see that side..but it happened and I hope things don't change.
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I always wish to have one of those awesome birthdays
where your friends plan a party or something
or plan a fun night out
but it never happens.
I always have to make the plans.
last night was ok, today is my actual birthday
and I have to work
and work tomorrow morning.
so tonight I think I'll just sit and watch movies.
next year I'm not even going to say anything to anyone and just let it come and go.
nobody even reads this fucking thing anymore. I need to just get rid of it.
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| My Gears Turn.I read the Tribune Chronicle online once in a while. It's the newspaper from my hometown. For some morbid reason, I always read the obituaries. Sometimes there are people from church, teachers, or family of people I went to school with in there.
It bothers me to see people my age in there.
Why are they there and not me? A 22 year old guy dying from a brief illness? Sounds like something you'd see in a listing for a 92 year old. I just wonder how out of everyone in the world, I don't get into an accident, or get sick or anything. I know it's real fucked up to think about this, but I am probably one of the most miserable unhappy people you'll ever meet, so why am I spared? Pretty much every day in some way I think of death, I have family and friends but still feel empty...why don't I get taken away?
This is a fucked up entry. I've been feeling weird lately. Things with the apartment aren't all that great, my wall leaks and made me sick so I have to sleep on the futon until my landlord gets things taken care of. This happened a month ago and still hasn't been taken care of. I still haven't found a job, still working that damn video store. I just feel kind of worthless. I have actually been in acquaintance with a guy lately, nothing serious, just companionship and I think I feel bad about it. I think it has something to do with my mood also. It's so hard to stop him though. My computer broke down but it's now up and running and we finally have internet, so that part is finally good, which can eventually lead to the finishing up of my portfolio which can lead to a job I like which can lead to me being more social and feeling better. I've kind of shyed away from my friends. Not calling anyone, not hanging out a lot, just going to the moose and having beer and bringing Sean home with me on Thursdays. (he's the one I mentioned just a second ago)
I guess I got tired of myself and now I'm doing things not in my character and it's actually making me feel worse. And don't worry, I haven't resorted to drugs or anything, I would NEVER do that.
I just need to pick myself back up.
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