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| The 6 lbs 9 ozs that has me wrapped around her finger... aka hope in the middle of pain
Allow me to introduce you to part of the O'Neal family you may not be
aware of. There is a girl, Sandra, who my parents met through church
and she has been unoficially adopted into our family. This is not at
all unusual for the O'Neal family, I have had mant dopta-siblings
growing up, most of them being friends from church. Anyways, Sandra
came to stay with us a week before she had her baby, and is staying
with us for a couple of weeks past the happy day. So it is that on
Monday, July 21, 2008, I had the incredible honor and privilage of
being present for the birth of Tatiana. It was a beautiful and moving
experience, Mom and I both cried. It was my first chlidbirth ever and
after watching Mom coach Sandra, I decided that yes indeed, I do want
to be a labor coach like her. I would like to now introduce to you my
new niece.
 Tatiana Marie Born July 21, 2008, 11:51am CST 6lbs 9 oz at birth, and she has somehow wrapped us all around her tiny fingers from day 1 In the middle of a rough week this week, with Miss Vicki's death,
Tatiana is a reminder to me that the other end of the cycle of life and
death is life, and the miracle that a tiny new life is. In moments when
I have doubts, when hurt and grief threaten to overwhelm me, when
things seem dark, I look at Tatiana, I snuggle her in my arms or lay
her against my chest, I let her hold my finger in her tiny hands, I see
her big eyes widen and look around, taking in the world. I see her make
the funniest faces, and chew on her hand or her arm, I look at her tiny
but perfect mouth, nose, eyelashes and eyebrows and fingernails, and it
brings a smile to my face. I see in her the beauty of God's creation
and the intricacies, the details, the miracle that is the life he
created and breathed into her. God brought us a new life even as he
took a life from us. And at the same time, it serves as a reminder to
enjoy every day and every moment because you don't know when it will be
the last. This precious girl is a gift from God, and He knew what he
was doing when He timed her birth. To Sandra, thank you so much for
sharing her with us and for putting up with us constantly taking her
and holding her. Tatiana is as beautiful as her mother, and you are a
blessing and a joy.        | | |
| One of the greatest ladies I've ever known is dead. I don't understand God sometimes.It's been an interesting week. Vicki Hall ( obit at http://www.legacy.com/VictoriaAdvocate/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=114539249 ) was my "other mom" ever since my family moved out to Texas 15 1/2 years ago. She was the wife of Pastor Dennis, the pastor at Round Rock Chapel, the non-denominational church my family attended since Dad moved here with his job while Mom and my brother and I stayed behind in Georgia to try to sell the house. In fact, Mom and Dad still go to RRC. It's the church I grew up in. I grew up with the Hall kids being some of my and my brothers best friends. Miss Vicki was one of the greatest people I have ever known and that I will ever know. She loved everybody and had such a faith, even when times were rough. Missions were her passion, she loved helping people and telling people about God. I always felt loved when I was around her and I think that probably goes for everybody who ever met her. Her faith was tangible, and she didn't just talk about her relationship with God, she lived it every day. Well, Miss Vicki has been fighting cancer the last almost 2 years and she passed away on Monday. I still am trying to come to terms with it, it doesn't feel real to me. I kept expecting at work that she would walk in with Pastor Dennis and smile at me and I would seat them and chat with them for a few minutes. It's been a rough week. Oh, and on top of that I have a Urinary Tract Infection so I have to go pee ALL the time and it hurts. Fortunately, I am now on an antibiotic and I have been drinking lots of cranberry juice and apple juice and water and it seems to be clearing up... Anyways, I know in the grand scheme of things a UTI isn't that bad, but it's just the icing on the cake this week. It's also been hard dealing with Miss Vicki's death because it's just now been 3 months since Pawpaw died and I have been having a rough time with that, and even though it's been almost 2 years now since Memmaw died I've still been grieving forher and having a hard time. Some of y'all have been there for me and listened to me and read my blogs and my im's and emails and texts and know it's been a rough couple of years, for all those reasons and more that I won't go into here. And now Miss Vicki is gone, and I don't understand why God let her suffer so much, and why he has taken her from her family. She was only 54. To lose TIffy years ago to cancer, and now Miss Vicki.. this family has been through so much. There were so many people praying and who had faith that God would heal her, why didn't he? WHY did he let her suffer and put her and everyone who loved her through that? And that brings me to my next thought, my struggle with myself on whether or not I am having a crisis of faith. I had faith that God COULD heal Miss Vicki but deep down inside, I didn't think he would. I've seen just about everybody I've known with cancer die, no matter how much faith I had, and others who have suffered and died that I tried to believe for their healing but couldn't. Michael after his car wreck, taken so young.. Memmaw with Alzheimer's, and others. Miss Vicki, I knew God could heal her but I didn't think he would. I tried so hard to hope that he would and that she would stay with us, but I was always resigned to her not beating the cancer, and now I have this nagging voice inside that says "Maybe it's your fault, you should have believed she would be healed". And at the same time, like I said, I still don't even feel like it's real, I keep thinking "Please God, let this all just be a big misunderstanding or cruel joke or something", but it's not. I know all the positives to look at. She's not suffering anymore, she's with God, she's with her family and friends in heaven who went before her, she had a full life, she impacted people, she lives on in the ones who are still here, etc. I know all the truths people like to tout at times like this. God has a plan, God will work through this, God will bring glory through this, etc etc etc. I KNOW all that, but it doesn't make me feel any better right now and it doesn't help the hurt go away. There's a song by Mercy Me that really expresses what I'm going through, I'll post the lyrics and a link to a youtube video so you can hear it.
"Homesick" by Mercy Me
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doaHIOXIhH0&feature=related
I miss her a lot and I hurt a lot, and I know it will get better, but right now I am homesick for heaven and all my loved ones who are there. My heart hurts for the Halls, and for everyone who is grieving. I just pray that some good will come out of this. And God, if you see fit to help us all make sense of this, that would be cool too, but you're God and I guess there are things we aren't always supposed to or able to understand. Was this in your plan or is it Satan striking a blow that your plan and will will somehow be accomplished through? You're going to have to give me strength to have faith because this is one of those times I don't think I have the strength to have faith on my own. But maybe that's the point, that I have to rely on you because I can't be strong enough by myself. I don't know. It hurts. | | |
| My Pawpaw died and I'm having a rough timeWell, you may recall that I had posted a blog last year about my Pawpaw having cancer. He died in April, the day after his 80th birthday. Mom and Dad and I had gone back to Georgia to visit b/c Grandpa and Pawpaw were both turning 80 within a week of each other, so we went back for Pawpaw's birthday party. That was on a Saturday. Tuesday was his birthday. I was staying with my aunt Cynsy. Pawpaw wanted to go to the Varsity for lunch for his birthday so Mom and Auntie (mom's identical twin) loaded him up and took him on while Dad came to get me at my aunt's house. It took a while for Dad and I to get there and by the time we got to the Varsity, Pawpaw and Mom and Auntie had eaten and he was tired so they took him back to his house. Dad and I ate and then headed on to meet them at the trailer. Well, apparently when Mom and Auntie went to help him out of the car into his wheelchair, he collapsed and they couldn't get him up so they had to call 911 for the Fire Department to help lift him up and into the wheelchair. They took him inside and got him into the hospital bed and called his hospice nurse (he was in home hospice care). He went on oxygen (nasal canula), had to be put under heavy medication, etc. Mom and Auntie were staying with him taking turns round the clock so he would have someone with him 24/7. That night everyone came by to see him and to wish him happy birthday.
The next day Dad came to get me again and I sat with Mom and Auntie to help take turns watching him.There were several times that his apnea would get so prolonged I would think he wasn't going to start breathing again but he did. That evening Mom made me go with Dad to take the girls (my two younger cousins) to their youth group and then to go to the grocery store for some things. I almost asked why he couldn't just get the stuff himself and stayed at the house but I didn't argue, I did as I was told, and went. Just as Dad and I got back to the house Mom called to tell us that Pawpaw had passed away and to send us right back to the church to get the girls. When we got back to the house most of my aunts and uncles and cousins and such came over and we all sat around and talked and prayed and said our final goodbyes. Pawpaw had made arrangements for his body to be donated to Emory University for research, I guess for their medical students. So the funeral home guys came to pick him up to deliver his body that night. The memorial service was that weekend. I still wish I had stayed there at the house on Wednesday.
I'll be honest, I'm having a rough time right now. There is a lot of crap that I am dealing with that this has kind of forced me to face. I'm not doing so great. I'm emotionally out of whack. I'm not doing well. I hurt a lot and I think there are only a very few people who have an idea of how much I hurt, between Grieving for my Pawpaw and some other stuff too. I'm not doubting God and angry with him like I was when Memmaw died, but yet in some ways I still feel alone. I know I'm not but I can't really describe it. It hurts. It hurts a whole lot, in my heart. It doesn't always hit hard. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm okay, but other times I just, I don't know. I'm crying right now and going through a box of kleenex blowing my nose. I don't know. I guess i need a lot of prayers right now. I'm tired physically and emotionally. So tired and sometimes I want to give up. And yet, I read Allison's blog and I see what she's gone through and faced and I see her faith and her trust in God, and I feel so inadequate, and I wish that I was as strong as her and had that strength of faith... help...
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| Esther's Fabulous Monday Adventure, or, My Afternoon Locked Inside A ChurchOk, interesting story. I have to say I have never heard of this
happening to anyone else that I know, although you may know someone who
has had something similar happen.
Enter Monday. Get up, go to
work, not busy, get sent home. I, being the person that I am who is
trying to improve her prayer life, went to a nearby church to pray for
a friend of mine who is deployed. I get to the church, walk in the
daily mass chapel, and actually had the thought "Well, I hope if they
decide to lock up they check in here first, I wonder if anyone has ever
been locked in". Literally. I thought that. So I go over and kneel
down. After I finished my rosary, I went to leave...
.
.
.
.
.
.
WHAT!
The door won't open!!! Push, pull, both ways, nada. Ok. Being the
logical person that I am, I went to the other door. Push, pull. Still
nothing.
Of all the things... I WOULD manage to get locked in a church!!! In the middle of the day!!!
Well,
I couldn't get ahold of anyone who was home or parents at work or
anything to try to get the church number, and I don't usually carry a
yellow-pages around with me. And it's not my church, and I don't
usually go there, so I don't have the number, and there were no numbers
listed inside the chapel. It didn't constitute an emergency so I wasn't
gonna call 911. What I did do, however, was call a friend of mine who
is a paramedic with our county and on shift today and he didn't have
the number for the church, but he got me the number (non-emergency) for
the Police Department and I called them. The dispatcher's response was
"You're locked inside a what?? Um... can you tell me how that
happened???" which is actually the response from everyone who I have
mentioned this too. It's good shock value. I mean, how many times in
casual conversation does someone say "So, I am/was locked iinside a
church today..."
Anyways, to finish the story off. A lady came
along to the church and got the door open and let me out and I called
the PD back and told them I was out. Fortunately it wasn't an emergency
b/c it had taken forever and they still were not there at the church or
anything... I stayed calm though trough the whole thing, I actually
found it pretty amusing. The only time I got nervous was when my crazy
brain thought "What if there is a fire before they get me out!!!!". But
then I realized I could just stack up chairs and stuff to climb up and
break a window and escape...
So. yeah. How's everyone else's monday going? And all this by 1:30pm. Holy mackerel! | | |
| Here we go again..My grandfather was diagnosed with bladder cancer
a little while back, and has had prostate cancer before and that's back
too. The course of treatment for the bladder cancer was to do chemo and
then surgery. Well, a few weeks ago they had to pause his chemo b/c it
was causing his kidneys to start to fail. So they had to stop the chemo
and reevaluate what course of treatment to take. Well, they gave us the
prognosis this last week. They can't do any more chemo or radiation on
him and he's not a surgical candidate. My cousin said something about
it being b/c of the progression of the cancer and I think it's also b/c
of his health history. He's had heart bypass surgeries, hip replacement
surgery, has diabetes and high blood pressure, and I don't know what
else. For the prostate cancer, they're giving him 4 years, for the
bladder cancer they're giving him 12 months.
We're going back for Christmas this year. We were going to go back
right after Christmas for my godbrother's wedding but given this news,
we thought it would be a good year to go back. I'm so glad I'd already
started dealiing with my anger towards him (for some stuff in the past)
and making peace in my heart towards him, now I just hope my brother
can do the same thing. As much as I dislike the things he did and what
happened with him and my grandmother, I still love him and this makes
me sad. My grandmother his exwife died last year from Alzheimer's, my
other grandmother died of lung cancer the year before. I guess it's
just that stage of life since my grandparents are getting old. But
cancer.. it's not a pleasant way to go. I mean, I don't know that dying
is ever a pleasant way to go, but cancer is so hard on the person dying
AND on the family, watching the loved one suffer and go downhill. I
hate what this will put some of my family members through and I hate
what it will put him through. On one hand I want to pray that God takes
him quickly and painlessly so he doesn't suffer and the rest of us
don't have to suffer, but I also can't bring myself to pray for him to
die. He's a very stubborn man, so he could blow the doctor's prognosis
out of the water and live for a long time. In a way I want that so we
have lots more time left with him (enough time for me to find someone,
get married, and give him a great grand baby, so several years at least
lol) but on the other hand if he's going to suffer that whole time, I
don't want that. FOr his sake and for my own sake and my family's sake.
And I want to do the "right thing" and pray for God to do His will and
leave it in His hands, but that is SO hard to do. I mean, I know that
no matter what I have no control over what happens, but to make a
conscious decision to relinquish trying to control, to not pray a
specific way, it's hard. And as many people as I've known with cancer
who've died (which would be pretty much all of them), makes it hard to
be optimistic. The whole thing sucks.
And it's been such a hard year already, actually the last few years
have been pretty rogh. I know there are a lot of people who go through
things much worse than what I have and are still strong, but me
personally, I just wonder how much I have to take. I know that the
Bible says God won't give us more than we can bear, but how much does
that include for me? I feel like I'm doubting God, I feel like Job. I'm
trying to look on the bright side but I don't know how good of a job
I"m doing... sigh. I know it's not easy when people die unexpectedly
(it hit me so hard when Michael Tackett died right before graduation)
but it's also hard when you know it's coming for such a long time, that
also did me in when my grandmother finally died last year after
battling alzheimer's for years. And I know all the stuff about heaven
and having hope and whatnot. But taht's another thing, I"m scared for
my grandfather about that b/c I don't know if he's truly made his peace
with God. I'm not trying to judge but his life hasn't reflected it...
ANd I know we all make mistakes (I know that very well, I am so far
from perfect it's not funny), but.. oh I don't even know how to express
what I'm feeling and thinking! Pleeeease, no flames about this,
hopefully I am somewhat conveying what I mean....
So, if y'all would please keep me, my whole family, and especially
my grandfather in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it... I
think we're going to need it. In general, I'm scared and worried and
yeah. Ugh. I hate cancer. | | |
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