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rachel 19 female
i'm living la vida loca in las vegas, jk. no, actually i'm your average everyday ordinary super-goddess ;D
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| It Won't Be Soon Before LongLast week I was stunned by the news that a former classmate and fellow '06 graduate had passed away. She was such a sweetheart whenever I had talked to her that I can't think of anyone else who deserved to continue living their life.
She was only 20 years old just like me. The crazy thing is that before she died, I had started thinking about my own immortality. I thought about what would happen once I ceased to possess consciousness. The thought inspired me to think back to what happened to me before I was even conceived.
Was I a spirit simply migrating throughout the world without an identity? As a plant, a star in the sky, or even as a girl in my family line (whether it be my mother, grandmother, aunt, etc.)? I will never know the answer, but what I do know is that it's going to be EXTREMELY PAINFUL to say goodbye to my friends and family once I pass away and meet my inevitable fate.
I know this sounds crazy, but the thought of dying almost makes me wish I had never been born because if I had never been born, then I wouldn't have to bear the burden of seeing the tears on my loved ones faces. I got lucky when I was born and had I been conceived by different parents- I could have lived a drastically different existence then the one I have now.
Thus, I'm grateful for all of life's good and bad moments. While I can't assume that my acquaintance had died in her sleep (despite my friend telling me that she was found unconscious by her mother and cousin), I can't help but wonder what would happen if you suddenly die in your sleep. An action that closely simulates death except that you're still breathing and can wake up to live another day.
Ironically, I downloaded Coldplay's new album, Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends, shortly before she died. Even in unwanted circumstances can I find irony haunting me.
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Now playing: Robin Thicke - Teach U a Lesson
via FoxyTunes
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| If I FellMore than any other guy who has came into my life, I still hold a flame for my ex lover, Cliff.
He was unlike any other man that I had ever met. Although he smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, swore like a motherfucker, and slurred his words (even when he was sober)- there was something about him that pulled me in.
I don't know what it was, but he had me under his spell. Every time I think about him, I can't help but ask myself what the fuck was I thinking. He was a bad guy who previously served time. His idea of fun involves getting into trouble or doing random stupid shit and yet I obliviously couldn't help that my appetite for him became more insatiable.
He came. He saw. He conquered. And although I allowed him to consume just about every part of me, is it wrong for me to say that I liked it? Ok so I allowed him to take advantage of me and yes I was too easy for him, but how hard do we have to fucking try to keep any sensibility we have left remain intact even when we're engaged in the most pleasurable of moments?
My feelings for him are deeply complicated. Although I still have love for him (or should I say lust), I still despise him for leaving me high and dry after we had sex by never returning my calls. He left town shortly afterwards to go to the Job Corps site in Reno and although he did try to call me twice (from an unidentified phone number), I remember acting really distant towards him as I basically decided not to give a fuck about what was going on in his life. When our call dropped the last time we spoke to another, I admittedly felt relived knowing that I didn't have to speak to the man who didn't so much care to get in touch with me only a few months after leaving me with no closure to our relationship. Not so much as a breakup or even a goodbye before he left town, my heart to this day still feels the void and the sting from such a cold and calculated tactic.
While I would never take him back as a boyfriend or start up even an on-going sexual relationship with him, I can imagine that it would be pretty easy for me to give into him again. Give in to the allure of his kisses, the touch of his hand, and yes even the thrust of his penis inside of me. Although I sometimes ponder whether or not he "corrupted" me from my seemingly innocent guile, what I think he did was truthfully bring out another side of me. An innate and biological complex that was always within me, but never knew how amazing it felt until he changed me and impacted my life.
Did I mention he was my first (sex partner/psuedo-boyfriend)?
By the way, if your thinking he looks like K-Fed, you would be absolutely right >_<
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| Control  I thought this was more shocking than Madonna's sex book. A couple of days ago, I actually stumbled upon scans of the book at Foto Decadent. What shocked me was not the photos itself, but the words that were printed inside the book. There was a quote in there about sadism and masochism (S&M) and how the experience is not so much about inflicting pain for pleasure, but that you're entrusting someone who would never hurt you in real life to do such a task. Regardless of whether or not you're in love with the partner you have S&M with, there definitely needs to be a strong sense of trust because the fantasy can turn ugly very quickly. What started out as an innocent simulation of punishment can suddenly turn into abuse. Its a bitter pill of reality that we have to swallow considering the numerous cases of rape, sexual abuse, and incest being reported. Sex is an exchange of power. What I can't help but wonder is, what does the oppressor have to gain from taking it away from someone else? | | |
| C'est La VieIt's not about the destination, but the journey itself.
The same can be said for the album, that collective and collaborative effort gleamed from the songs that unify its themes from the album's title.
Coldplay's new album Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends didn't initially impress me when I first listened to it. In fact, I thought it lacked depth and it didn't measure up to the alternative gems they've previously recorded for their prior albums X&Y, A Rush of Blood to the Head, and even Parachutes.
I guess like most fans, I was expecting the album to sound like some of their previous works. If "Violet Hill" and "Viva La Vida" were any indication- Coldplay was returning back to form with lyrically-driven melodies except that this time around, their songs had some extra edge. It seems like they had put a little "oomph" in their step in my opinion and I think "Violet Hill" and "Viva La Vida" could have easily been included in 2005's X&Y (had they been recorded and conceived at the time).
I can't quite put into words my track by track analysis of the album, but I will say that the album is best appreciated as a fine piece of art. Stare at it (or in this case listen to it). Cherish it. And admire it for every significant detail found within all the intricacies of being in the presence of such a masterpiece. Unlike some albums now a days which are simply vinaigrettes of random or average songs, this is one of very few albums that can intricately weave all their songs together into a grand tapestry.
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| (I Can't Get No) SatisfactionToday I'm officially a card-carrying member of American Express.
Although I didn't need a second credit card, I have to admit that I applied for the card simply for the "prestige" of being an American Express card-holder. Whenever I think about American Express, images of businessmen with diamond-encrusted watches and $200,000 dollar cars pop into my head.
I, however, don't fall into that category. I'm a student who simply had an excellent credit score (over 700).
For the past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching (although it seems like I do that everyday in that neurotic head of mine). Soul-searching in regards to the person I want to be right now, in the future, and in the years to come. I know that I don't want to continue working in a dead-end job with unstable hours. I know that I want to have a respectable career pursuing my passion for a living. Suffice to say, what I really want is to have it all.
Is that too much to ask for? Perhaps, but if you choose to follow your bliss- you have to be willing to do whatever it takes.
After looking back on some of the relationships I have found myself in with men over the past two years, I've come to the conclusion that I'm commitment phobic. I push men away because I'm scared. Not scared of getting hurt, but scared simply because I can't give my heart to a man who will love, cherish, and nurture it.
I don't know why I am the way I am, but if there is something that all of these experiences have taught me its that I don't need a man to be fulfilled. Ever since I was in middle school, I always thought I needed a man to make me happy. I now know that simply isn't the case
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