I'm on here to express some negative emotions because they have been accumulating.

Some feelings I have are rejected, judged, pitied, dirty, judgmental, frustrated, burdened, angry, and sad.

Until now, I have been coping by accepting these feelings, understanding these feelings, and negotiating whether it is necessary to express those that are associated to people. Reasons I wouldn't want to express them include not knowing how, not caring enough, not wanting to put people in difficult situations, and not needing anything to change. Reasons some must be expressed to associated people include needing things to change.

Dam. It feels good to write it out. There is so much to learn from all of this.

Some thoughts as a 40 year old..

Trying to think of some long-term goals for myself. Exercising more... Learning how to cook more stuff. Learning how to play the piano. Spending more time with friends and family.

Life has been interesting and engaging no matter the ups and downs. Happy to be alive. What a difference it is from 2010 ish when I was super depressed. Thank God for mental health treatment.

having a 2.5 year old that behaved well with other adults somehow made me feel very proud.

as i was talking about this weird feeling with yuta, i inevitably lost the feeling after thinking about it.

what if she was bad? what would that mean?

anyway, raising a child has been equally fantastic as it has been terrifying. the topic of abortion comes to mind frequently. in terms of a chance at life, it is unfortunate that the human life has to start in someone else's body in a society that values the individual's rights, privacy, and boundaries.

Every day, I feel less grateful. Gratitude seems too close to pity..

Instead, I focus on feeling more open to new experiences which brings me peace.

At age 35, I'm finally attempting medication counseling to address my ADHD symptoms.

Buproprion, seems to have some positive effects. However, it's funny that I have previously learned it was not habit-forming and apparently it has been suspected of being the "poor man's cocaine" since 2013

Well, something I can mention in my practice I suppose.

dear god,

i surrender my life to you.

ej.

Motherhood is the new chapter in my life and anxiety has taken a new dimension with the addition of a new attachment, particularly one that i am legally responsible for.

My excessive worrying, although abstract, will attract physical illness...

Scary... (yet another thing to worry about).

The goal is to balance between worrying and experiencing the present.

I serve everything and everything serves me.

in my search for a job and landing interviews with potential employers, ive interviewed for a dream job. now im competing against another candidate for the position (said the interviewer in a follow up phone conversation). this other candidate is currently interviewing for the position and the organization will contact me in about two weeks, whether i get the job or not. i am TRYING to wait patiently for the organization's decision.

through this waiting process im going through a series of negative and competitive feelings. both of which im biased against.

anger, defeat, depression, failure, and hopelessness in anticipation of rejection.
even though there are moments of positive feelings, like hope, i am fearful of how harder the fall will be if i don't get the job.

i've also wished ill against this unknown competitor.

this was actually the peak of the need for meditation.

i am finally at a cooperative state of mind, though im still very anxious to hear the result. ive done my best and external forces will do the rest. may the best candidate land the job. i trust the organization will choose what is best for them.

Question: If I were to find out I couldn't have children or I decided against having children, what would I want to do?

homework assignment for me and the hubs.

working at a hospital so far has been EXTREMELY traumatizing. no bone in my body wants to work in a hospital long term however, it has really honed my ability to de-stress.

mantra: everything serves me and i serve everything.