Just so everyone knows, I'm not dead. My self-destructive tendancies and impulsivity caused me to hit rock bottom, or a breaking point if you will. I gave up everything trying to fix myself and now I'm finally realizing that it wasn't all in vain. Even though I'm drowning in debt ($30k +), I have no job, car, or license, and there's a warrant out for my arrest, I still feel a million percent better about myself and my life that I ever have before and I am determined to start a better life again in San Francisco.

No one's been helping me except for my boyfriend who I've only known for about two months. His actions have restored the hope that I once had that people weren't totally selfish and uncaring, and that just maybe what I gave to others would one day be reciprocated.

There's one other person I have to thank named Stuart. He was one of the few people I talked to in rehab who really comforted me and helped me get through that ordeal. Stuart, I just want you to know that I miss you and regret not talking to you since then. I feel that this lapse in communication is my fault, and for that I apologize. My stupidity has caused us to not have fery many opportunities to talk, but I hope that now I can create a new one. I really appreciate everything you've done for me and I hope you can forgive and forget.

Currently Playing Louder Than Bombs By The Smiths see related

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I'm hungover and rather spaced out. I haven't been able to shake the cravings for alcohol even after practically a year of not drinking. I started again a few months back because I figured it would be better than some of the other things I had been doing. It frightens me how much I think of a bottle of vodka as a good friend.

Actually, what seems to frighten me most these days is the supposed intellectualism and practicality of the average "liberal". In 2008, if they get their way, we'll elect some Michael Moore type socialist ass, and when more brutal dictators rise up and torture and abuse their people, we can step back and say, "Not our country, not our problem."

Solution: Libertarianism.

Currently Playing Machines Are Us By Icon of Coil see related

I'm trying to get excited about planning what I'm going to do for college, being a senior and all, but I know that if I express any serious interest in it, she'll disown me. And I don't want this to happen because, aside from the fact that she's really the only person that I have, being an only child and never having any close relationships with anyone in my family, the guilt maybe? We need each other desperately, and each of us is only staying alive for the other. The fact that she blames every terrible thing that's happened to her post '86 on me. What I see happening is this: next year, after she stops receiving money from my dad, she'll let me stay a little longer, until, due to her bad financial planning, she has to move away from here into a 1 bedroom, she'll kick me out after some huge fight about what a miserable failure/fuck-up I am. And me being the completely inept loser that I am, I'll probably end up being one of those crazy homeless people. That's my biggest fear right now. Well, that or ending up in a hospital again. So, as I see it, there's really no point to getting my hopes up about going to college or doing anything with my life.

This isn't complete yet, but here's a list of the albums I own:

http://english.skivsamling.nu/show.pl?id=31261

Currently Playing Closer By Joy Division see related

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I've had this strong urge to write for the past few days. I'm striving for connections that will mean something for more than a week's time, not something that I can just brush off in the blink of an eye. How much detail from the last serious conversation you had with someone do you actually remember? Probably just the main points. I wonder what I've forgotten in order to preserve the memories I thought were important enough to hold onto.

So, yes, I'm sitting here in my room with the window open, which is allowing a nice breeze to come through. The lamp I have on heats up the room quickly, so having the window open is a must. It's nice to finally get some fresh air. I'm staring at the stars with Joy Division being the perfect background music. I managed to get more than I usually do accomplished today, which was writing a few e-mails and looking for my cat. He seems to have gotten loose. I went out walking around my neighborhood earlier trying to find him. I knew deep down that it would be a waste of time. That childhood rage sprang up inside of me, the one where you scream and cry trying to understand why something that you've loved dearly has been taken away from you by your ambiguous enemy. Maybe this is signifying that it's time to move on to people; try to stop being such a child.