i'm curious as to why people are so inclined to impose their notion of an ideal, "fully-functional" perception of what a person is supposed to be on to other people. people make their decisions. no one twisted your arm behind your back and forced you to act the way you do now.

"it's just my opinion." ok, then just leave it at that. stop trying to initiate some sort of crusade against someone else’s lifestyle choice just because it conflicts with your moral standard. this isn't necessarily geared toward any particular issues (although a few do come to mind).

What is left to be said when it comes to the point when a supposedly

 vivid and thought provoking picture emits nothing more than mere

pastel shades and leaves nothing more than a deserted and neglected

canvas. A void sense of reality where inspiration has taken a backseat

and this morbid sense of futility takes the wheel blindfolded. It is the

constant betrayal and abuse that has taken its toll and has created

another lifeless, immobile, impenetrable remains of a thought. A

tattered idea that has endured numerous attempts towards the

actualization of relinquishing the belief that beyond a certain point, all

efforts are exerted in vain. To hope and to dream of a certain revelation

that would come to pass had it not been for this lack of inspiration.

There is no inspiration.

There is no motivation.

And there are no hopes for the future except the now concrete belief that

what we have now is just a reflection of what is yet to come.

Can situations continue beyond the point of change that we are subjected

to forego the ability to influence and simply watch the consequences unfold?

Fuck it, I’m through.

where do you go when you have no one to talk to?

right here of course.

the place where people come to rant and rave about how they think they're
depressed. they give this beautifully elaborate story of how life has
handed them a bad hand.

but who actually listens?

people will glance over anything you've written and leave you useless eprops
with silly comments like "i like your page."

after all, that's all it was really about wasn't it? how many people visit your
page? how many eprops you get. these useless stats that don't mean shit?

i feel like shit... i can't even look at the screen anymore.

i think i'm giving up on xanga.

it is of no use to me anymore.

it's worthless.

if you need to get a hold of me:

email: l_hee_jun@hotmail.com

or comment on my FREE guestbook at http://xaicho.tripod.com

i don't know what it is... but i'm feeling really beaten right now.

i'm tired of only being able to meet people in my dreams. i don't
want to have to venture out to find that one person who'll listen
to what i have to say. up until now, it's been all about effort on
my part. it's been an effort to go up to people and try to make
conversation to keep the friendship going. and it was a futile
attempt because the feeling won't be reciprocated if they aren't
interested in the friendship. so i stopped, and when i stopped, so
did all the "relationships" i had with people. they just stopped.

i want to be able to call someone up and ask them if i could come
over so i could sleep on their floor. i want someone who i could
watch a movie with. i want someone who'll take me home when i'm
wasted at some party. i want to be able to say "yea, i know that
person" and actually know them. i want to get to know someone. i
want to figure them out instead of trying to figure myself out. i
want to be able to hang out and say nothing at all and still have
a great time. i just want someone else to do nothing with.

but then, it's not about what i want.

i can't look for someone to be with if they don't want to be with
me.

up until know, i've mapped out my life far into the future and i
understood that it wouldn't have anyone in it. i was fine with
that. then days like these come and i loose it. suddenly i'm not
ok with the idea of continuing through life alone.

if anyone does happen to read this, don't worry. i won't do anything.

i'm not that selfish...