RUNNING AGAINST THE WIND

No, it's not the song but I did think of the song while this was going through my mind, as always the actress in me always coming out, but well, just hear me on this.

It's never easy running against the wind, you feel it on your face and all of a sudden all the energy that was increasing is suddenly put to a halt. Your legs feel heavier, and all of a sudden your body is aching and fighting to push forward a little longer, against this invisible barrier. As your running though you wonder why not just stop and walk, it's much easier that way, but deep inside you know that all the pain and strain is just making you a stronger person, because after all no one ever got anywhere walking. They got there but they were too late. And like I heard someone say once, after all Pain is just weakness leaving your body, and I think that is certainly true.

I couldn't help but think of these great people, with insane dreams, I'm glad to be able to see their realities because they make me push on. Homer Hickam and those crazy rockets, the Wright Brothers, where would we be without their crazy idea, Lincoln, who tried to be President what was it about 10 times, Gees, Al Gore tried once and went nuts when he lost. Celia Cruz, just a dirt poor girl in the middle of communist Cuba. And Yada, Yada, Yada, So many people tell u that you can't and you WONT so many times that you can't believe, that you're starting to believe it yourself. When that happens and you don't snap out it, then you've become you're own and worst wind of opposition.

Dreams are dreams until someone chooses to make them a reality and to prove the world wrong, and to give others hope. They start in garages across the world, with a mest up guitar, and old amp, and a beat up drumset. You see everyone has to start somewhere thats the beauty of it, but that's what you have to do, that's what I have to do. Start somewhere. That's what I'm gonna do.

Theres definitely alot to sacrifice, without sacrifice it would be just like walking against that wind. I guess I'm just a person not conformed to the average ordinary kind of life, but daring to think just a little outside the box.

About Some Much Needed Change

Check it out. I just read the post of some guy I don't know, but it made me think which was good. The SuperBowl was in my  city just last week, and everything and everyone just got so crazy. First cuz it's never been like this before. I mean we had all these celebrities and parties you name it, it was Wild. Well on Saturday night the place to be was "Main Street" in Downtown. So of course I went down there with some relatives. As soon as I stepped of the bus, the atmosphere was so heavy. They had closed about 5 blocks and the clubs were all open and there was live music on the street. People were drinking, and pushing each other, and you could see the girls dancing through the club windows, just asking for sex. It was truly just sad to me, cuz when you know God, you know exactly where these people are going. Of course I was just listening to the music outside and buying food etc... so I didn't actually go do anything stupid. But I'm telling you I saw with my eyes the reality of how bad things are, and these people are so ignorant they can't see that, they see nothing wrong with the way they are living their lives. There was so many people that you couldn't walk down the street, and at one point we got scared cuz we felt like we couldn't move to any side, and we were about to get trampled on, it was so scary. In between all that I felt like I knew the truth, and everyone else was living this completely different life than me. Then I felt strange in between all of them, like I didn't fit in at all, and it's not the first time this has happened to me. What makes me sad is that I know that walking through that street where alot of people who call themselves "Christians", but how can you tell who is if everyone just joins in and blends with the crowd. The truth is you can't and that isn't right. Realize I'm pointing the finger at myself, becuase I'm just as guilty.

As I walked however, there they were standing in the middle of the crowd with huge Signs, "Jesus, is the Lord", Repent and be Saved!!! with bright yellow T-Shirts. As I saw them, I did smile, and it felt good to see them. I saw a girl approach a young guy and they where talking about God. I knew everyone was looking at them as weirdos, "like why are they doing that? It's not like anyone really cares!" The truth is for a minute I thought the same thing, and I didn't picture myself in their place. Then I felt ashamed. Because I know him, I pray to Him, and I say that I Love Him, but look where I was, in the wrong place. When I know that my place was in the middle of the crowd with a Bright yellow shirt on. My enemy beat me on that day, and i know he was laughing at me.

 I believe in God, but what I do isn't enough. I take the easy way out just like everyone else, "Let someone else handle the rough stuff, I'll just sit my preety little butt in my comfortable spot", and I AM SICK OF THAT! That's not being real with HIM, that's being a coward. I don't know, there where alot of feelings that night, all I know is that inside me I knew God wanted me to be holding a sign too, and i wanted to go and shake the hand of one them, to let them know that I acknowledged them, but I didn't, I just walked by them, like everyone else. What is wrong with me I don't want to be like this? The disciples got flogged and beaten and killed for his name, and i can't even handle what I have. I have nothing compared to that, my life is a piece of cake, and if I can't handle this now, how will I handle the things to come, which I know will be a million times harder.

God just feed me that boldness to speak and act in the spurr of the moment and not wait for someone else to step up. To truly listen when you speak to Lord, I don't wanna lose everything that you have given me, just for not listening to your voice.

"Now Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness" Acts 4:29

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SOMETHING ABOUT BEING 20?

On the "Quarter-Life Crisis"

They call it the "quarter-life crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you, or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One-night stands and random hookups start to look cheap, and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

There's just something about being 20 that makes life very different, and not to burst your bubble if your not there yet but it only gets harder. It just feels good to know that whoever wrote the above (cuz it wasn't me, is so right cuz that is exactly how I feel. Guess we're not so alone after all.