Currently Listening O By Damien Rice #1 - Delicate see related

It's easy to fall when you float like a cannonball.

"So why'd you fill my sorrows with the words you borrowed from the only place you've known?
And why'd you sing alleluia if it means nothin' to ya?  Why'd you sing with me at all?"
I've discovered Damien Rice. 

I'm looking at schools I could apply for jobs at when I graduate... it's a little premature, I know, but it's interesting... I think I'd like to work with emotionally disturbed children or other "at-risk" youth.  I've been looking in center-city Baltimore, and also in the counties that surround Frederick.  I wouldn't mind taking extra special ed classes at all.  Of course, Africa's still a big item on the list. 

My dad and I went to play tennis today together for an hour.  I hadn't played since 9th grade gym class, so it was funny, to say the least.    We had fun, though, and maybe we'll go back a few times before the end of the summer.  My arm hurts a lot now though!

I've been reading My Utmost for His Highest almost every day recently.  The one for today says, "Over and over again God has to remove our friends, our heroes, to put Himself in their place, and we falter, fail, and become discouraged.  When the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life?  Did I become ill or disheartened?  Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?"  It goes on to talk about our vision of God.  It was pretty convicting for me.  I've often lost good friends of mine - just because they move away, or we just drift apart and don't talk as often - but it stinks.  Sometimes they were the people who encouraged me the most in God, and I wonder why God would allow people like that to be taken out of my life.  I don't usually react well.  Our church family and our friends will come and go, but God will never leave.  He needs to be foremost in our lives - not because He's dependable or caring or even because He loves us, but because He's God, and deserves that high position of importance. 

Currently Listening Seven Swans By Sufjan Stevens see related

freepoverty.com

I found this sweet website that donates water to the poor if you answer geography questions correctly.  Man, do I need to brush up on my countries...

Currently Listening Can't Love, Can't Hurt By Augustana - Where Love Went Wrong see related

it'd finally arrived for me. all those deep connections with friends and with strangers, they were embodied now in this one person who cared so deeply for me and always would, who wanted to be with me for ever, accepted me completely as I was, and we were going to make it work. that stuff I'd only tasted thus far was finally going to be mine in its fulness, like the full moon splashing its bright silver light on the tops of the trees and streaming through the windows onto the carpet in luminous shapes; like being wrapped up in your favorite song, and now, you didn't just sing or cry the lyrics, you were the lyrics. it was the fulness of a first hand shake or hug between you and someone you've just met, someone who looks you in the eyes and listens with more than their ears; like all the dreams and plans you make in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, staring in all wonder and thoughtfulness up at your ceiling, those plans culminating in one person, one moment, one clearly-defined path. it's like what comes out of your mouth when you're singing your heart out, from the bottom all the way up, and you have to close your eyes so you can see what you're singing more clearly. it's what you'd imagine it being like when the trumpet sounds and Jesus appears in the clouds above, and He's come back for you, finally, so much joy in His eyes and you've been found at last, and what has been kept silent for so long can finally break out, the trees and the ground and the sky given back their voices.

Currently Reading Human Dignity in the Biotech Century: A Christian Vision for Public Policy (Colson, Charles) see related

I love my mom.

My mom's a sweetheart.  It's interesting how she & my dad each show their love for me in different ways.  My mom does a lot for me: she helps me organize my stuff when I move to college or move back home, she sends me care packages, and she helps me figure out what I need to do for insurance, doctor's appointments, scholarships, you name it.  She's really thoughtful; she randomly will buy me things - from my favorite food to my favorite shampoo.  My mom is really good at organizing & planning & hooking you up with resources.  She always knows what's going on. 

My dad, on the other hand, mostly likes to talk to me.  He calls me up once or twice a week to tell me how nice it is to hear my voice, & that he loves me.  I can talk to my dad about anything, & I can call him at almost any time of day & he'll pick up for me.  He'll be in a meeting at work, & leave right in the middle, just because I called.  And he'll talk to me for an hour & not even tell me until later that he was in a meeting!  LOL. 

Both of my parents fully support me, they're honest with me, they trust me, and either of them would do anything for me, I know.  I also completely support & trust them.  It's amazing to have that kind of relationship with someone, and especially amazing to have it with your parents.  Mind you, we don't agree all the time!  But the thing is, our trust and respect of one another doesn't depend on our agreement.  We recognize that we're all separate individuals.  My dad & I were actually just talking about that a couple days ago; we often make contrary statements, and other people may even think we're arguing, when we're totally not.  Dad said we're "the persuaders of the family".  hehe.  Half the time, we actually DO agree, we just approach it from different perspectives at first. 

I LOVE sharing my joy with my parents.  When something good happens, I get really excited & call them.  I can't wait for the really huge joys of life, for their own sakes, but also so I can share them with my parents.  I want to see that look in my mom's eye when I hold her hand and tell her I'm getting married.  I'm looking forward to my dad putting my hand in my fiancee's at my wedding, with tears and pride in his eyes, both for me and also for my husband.  [I know he'll be bawling his eyes out  ]  I know he'll be proud of me because I'm his little girl, because I waited for God to bring the right man along, because he's also proud of who his new son is growing up to be.  I really want my dad & my husband to be good friends.  I know my mom will immediately adopt him into the family like her own son... my dad may take a little longer.  lol.  He'll definitely be sizing him up, man-to-man, for some time, but then, that's as it should be.  I know he'll be excited about it, though!

I can't wait to put my first child in my parents' arms, finally able to relate to my parents in the parent sort of way.   - presenting them with my new pride & joy, as they freely gave me their pride & joy as they cared for me my whole life.  Ahhh, so awesome.

In time, though, I know, in time... it'll come.  Sometimes I still feel just like daddy's little girl.  He's so funny.  I'll be drinking a Corona with my mom on the back porch & he'll come out & just stop for a second, because he's not used to me being 21 yet. [even though it's already been a year & a half since I was 21 - lol]  I think that's ok, though.  I think I'll be my parents' little girl until the day they die - in different ways, of course - but still, their baby girl.  I think I like it that way.

By the way, I'm sick & it stinks.  And, I'm finally reading an SSFT textbook that I find interesting.  Yay!

Currently Reading The Final Quest By Rick Joyner see related

Happy May Day

In elementary school, we made a Maypole and danced around it with streamers.  We dressed up as "Germans", whatever that means.  It was for our "German unit".  I believe we also danced the polka during this unit.  I thought the polka was American, but whatever...

I remember my first favorite teddy bear.  His name was Benny, short for Bennington [which was what his tag read].  My mom washed him one time, when I was about 6, and put him in the dryer.  His fur got all stiff and knotted, and he was never the same again.  I remember being really torn about the whole thing.  I believed that I loved Benny no matter what, but it was hard to love him when he was so disfigured.  My grandparents tried to right the wrong the following year by getting me a new teddy bear, Cinnamon, who was delightfully soft [and still is] and had a satin red bow around his neck.  I was brokenhearted for Benny, who now had to share my love with a new bear.  I hated thinking that I would grow to like Cinnamon more than Benny, just based on his outward appearance.  I think I eventually did give in, and Cinnamon became my new favorite, but I always made sure I paid substantial attention to Benny as well. 

I still have all of my stuffed animals from when I was little; and believe me, I have a lot.  Most of them just sit in my basement at home, but for some reason, I can't seem to give them away.  A few of them are in bed with me right now, though.   I was so sensitive to the "feelings" of these toys, at such a young age.  I grew so attached to them.  How strange, isn't it? 

It's true, my biggest fear has always been that I'll be abandoned or rejected, and left all alone.  Maybe that's why I couldn't do that to my teddy bears. 

I never really had that "Best Friend" - the person you've known since first grade, who lived on your street and sat next to you in every class, the one you always told everything to, even when she spread your secrets around school, because you always forgave each other.  You stuck together, and everyone knew you were 'best friends'; you grew up together.  I had several close friends throughout middle and high school, and at any given moment, I might have pointed to one friend as being closer than the others, but it never lasted for long.  We all sort of took turns being best friends with each other.  I guess we got tired of one another and had to switch off.  haha... Oh, high school. 

Seriously, though, I've lost every good friend I've had.  I mean, I've "lost" them to many things.  Sometimes it wasn't anyone's fault.  It just seems to happen to me more than it does to other people.  I've had a falling out with several people.  Others have moved away, or I had to move away from them.  Some have transferred colleges, or just had to drop out.  Some friends I've just drifted from, and I don't see them for one of many reasons; they might be too busy, or maybe we used to have class together and now we don't.  I guess some people become friends just because they're around each other - Proximity Friends.  When that class or group or housing arrangement is over, the friendship is pretty much over.  "Keeping in touch" is all they have left.  Bleh. 

Maybe I have a problem.  Maybe I need to grow to become more mature in my friendships, and learn about what it takes to be a good friend.

Maybe God is trying to teach me something.  Maybe He wants to be the only constant in my life.  Maybe He's working on that fear I have...

[aside: I'm SO hungry right now!]

Well, I close by quoting Jake Burns, "If you absolutely need someone, you are not able to truly love them, because you worship them instead of God."

That's a good word right there.