Current mood:	merrgh?
Current music:	Between the Bars - Madeleine Peyroux

Drink up, baby and look at the stars as I kiss you again between the bars...
well....

i havent updated since the week before i left to camp.. again...

so.. i guess ill tell you whats been up...

well.. camp was a lot of fun... it was a week in mammoth and.. total... i hiked about 20 miles.. :D ... i was so extremely proud of myself... cuz... me?? hiking?? HA! i bet you never woulda thought of those 2 words in the same sentence before.. but.. i did very well..

this summer has been a good, fit, and uplifting summer...

somehow, i think it has deteriorated some of my self confidence, as well...

now... here's the tricky part of my summer...

im not going back to laces next yr... i switched a couple days ago..

hamilton offered me a spot in thier music/performing arts magnet.... which is HIGHLY amazing.. all my friends at hami are wondering how i did it... and... its just cuz im special! :: brushes off her shoulder ::...

i mean... im psyked.... dont get me wrong... but.. im scared out of my mother fucking mind... i dont know what im gonna do without all of my old friends at laces... i mean... they were they only ppl who had seen me grow.. and.. have seen me from my prime to now... and... ive changed.. in a bad way... i feel more in my shell now.. which is DEFINATELY not a good thing with me... not good AT ALL!!!

i know.. i promised i wouldnt bitch for the rest of the summer... but my acting coach and i talked about it.. and... she told me to write down all my feelings in a journal... and... this is my journal...

you know.. this is actually helping...

so im gonna keep talking about my feelings about everything thats going on

im scared outta my fucking mind about starting over... and... i dont want to get a bad rep.. so im trying to be all careful about how i act, dress, and.... everything... where, at laces.. i didnt have to.. cuz everyone knew me already... and... all that stuff... so... idk... its gonna be weird..

ill try to keep this updated....

the only good thing about me changing schools is that i get to start over [[grades wise and teacher wise]]... ALL the teachers at laces knew me... or.. most of them... and... idk... i liked being friends with them, but i had some bad reps with some of them... so... yea...

im starting over.... :: deep sigh ::

im fucking scared....

should i be?

Current mood:

depressed as a mo fo

...fuck...
well... as none of you know....

i am officially grounded until september 19, 2005... maybe longer.. depending on what happens on that day...

i dont want to go into details, so please dont ask... if i havent already told you, i dont want you to know.. dont feel bad about me not telling you what happened.. i have only told one person... who i know will take it to the grave with them... so... sorry if you feel left out...

my grounding sentence consists of:
1. no cell phone until august 20
2. since i have no cell phone, no hanging out with friends
3. once i do get my cell phone back, no hanging out with friends until september 19
4. no internet after 8 PM
5. i have to do all the chores my parents tell me to do
6. anything else that comes to their heads is part of my punishment

......fuck......

i really fuckin fucked up this time... what the fuck was i thinking??

all because of this.. i may have lost the one ive been searching for... my parents have lost all trust they had in me... and i never get to see him again... but i hope we can work around that.. cuz.. i love him...

this is going to make me go back to therapy.. i just know it...

oh well.. right when i thought life couldnt get any worse, the floor and ceiling caved in and i was left dying under the rubble...

lora's depression: "welcome back... long time no see... missed me so much it only took you a month to return?!"
lora: "... oh fuck off"

....fuck....

Current mood:

fed up

fuck this.. fuck it all
in the week and 3 days that i have been away... i have been lied to, used, betrayed, and forgotten

im fucking sick of everyone hurting me... i cant take it anymore

i have changed myself numerous times.. hoping all the pain would stop.. but.. no.. i always get hurt... and you seriously do not mother fucking understand how fucking fed up i am with it all...

i just want to leave this place... leave these people... leave everything i know.. and start from scratch.. start from a new mold of life... with new people... a new place... and new friends...

for all of those who have hurt me.. you know who the fuck you are... and i hope you are mother fucking happy...

... because of you... i am mother fucking breaking down and cant fucking handle her own fucking life anymore....

i hope you all are mother fucking happy.. thats all i have to say...

Current mood:	i love remembering
Current music:	the guitar man - cake

Honey, I'm HOME!
ok...

i have been gone for an entire week.. and have done so much... and yet... i dont know what to say...

isnt that sad??

ok... some of the things in here have meanings.. im just too lazy to write them in
temperature [the entire trip] was in the 100s and was very humid
chilling = chilling on the couches, playing cards, sleeping, chillaxing

ok.. well.. i guess i should start off with sunday...

SUNDAY JULY 17 2005
i woke up at 3:30 AM to take a shower and finish getting packed
left at 5:30 AM
dropped my mom off at the airport
went to IHOP and met my grandpa for breakfast
left IHOP around 6:50 AM
got to the YMCA right at 7 AM [right on time!]
met this girl named caitlyn [the first girl i met at camp]
chilled with her
vans from san pedro came and we loaded everything up in the trailor
drove 8 hours to sacramento
got to a campsite around 4 PM
set up camp [slept outside cuz i didnt know we had to bring tents]
met this guy named billy
met more people [chris, evan, brian, chris jr., nicole]
went down to the lake to swim
swam for a couple hours
went back to camp and i played some guitar and ppl followed me back and i played for them
chilled with councelors and campers
[lights out @ 11]
stayed up until 2 AM talking with everyone
went to sleep

MONDAY JULY 18 2005
woke up at 6 AM when chris woke up to help make breakfast
went back to sleep and woke up again at 7 AM
ate breakfast
packed up all of our stuff and put it back in the trailor
went down to the docks to get our houseboats [30-45 minute drive]
unpacked the trailor
waited 2 hours for the boats to get to the dock
chilled with my homies and changed into my bathing suit
houseboats got there, so we packed everything on
left the docks to go to our spot in this AWESOME delta [about 1 or 2 hour ride]
i played some guitar on the way there [sat in the front of the boat with everyone and played]
all 3 houseboats got to the delta and then they all connected
chris came to my houseboat
we all changed to go swimming in the lake
swam for a couple hours
went inside and chilled
went back in the water
they got me to jump off the roof of the boat... merrgh
had our very first camp no fire.. it was awesome...
brought our sleeping bags onto the roof of the boat where we slept
stayed up until 12 AM talking

TUESDAY JULY 19 2005
woke up at 5 or 6 AM
went downstairs and chilled with tim, steve, grace and chris [all but chris are councelors]
made breakfast
tim and ron swam to get the wake boarding and tubing boats
came back later on in the day
i went swimming with chris and caitlyn and everyone
chilled inside
went back and forth from water to chilling inside
played some guitar on the roof
sun bathed
went TUBING with chris
our tube flipped over twice cuz he was being SOO crazy
i hurt my neck the second time we flipped
my neck hurt too much to go wake boarding, so i gave up my spot
chilled and slept inside with chris, billy, caitlyn, and nicole
had another camp no fire
slept on the roof again
went to sleep around 11 PM

WEDNESDAY JULY 20 2005
woke up at 2 AM to star gaze with chris
went back to sleep at 5 AM
woke up at 7 AM
went with steve, chris, and billy to throw away trash from the housboats and get gas at the docks
got COFFEE at the store there
went back to the housboats
got breakfast
went tubing again with chris
he didnt go crazy this time, so we didnt flip... but we hit a lot of wakes
i was too scared to go again.. lol...
went back to the houseboats
went swimming
chilled inside
another camp no fire [i performed.. AHH!!!!] i played some guitar and sang a bit
went to sleep around 10 PM

THURSDAY JULY 21 2005
woke up a couple times early in the morning to stargaze with chris
got breakfast
packed up all of our stuff
drove back to the docks
unloaded the houseboats
reloaded the trailor
drove for 3 or 4 hours to the redwood forest campsite thing
set up camp there
went on a hike to the garden of eden
chilled for an hour there
hiked back to the camp
took a 4 or 5 minute shower [25 cents per 2 or 3 mins.. gahhh]
chilled at the campsite
[this time we slept in TENTS!!!!!! chris and billy had tents.. girls used billy's, boys used chris's]
had to be quiet at 10 PM or we'd get kicked out
stayed up until 11 PM

FRIDAY JULY 22 2005
woke up at 6:30 AM
couldnt talk loud until 7 AM or we'd get kicked out of the campsite.. gahh..
took a 30 minute shower... WOO HOO!!!
chilled at the campsite after breakfast
played some guitar
hiked 2 or 3 miles to the train station
went to the santa cruz boardwalk
saw isaiah there
we all chilled
got caught by steve... ALMOST got in trouble
left isaiah and went on more rides
had a lot of fun!
left at 4:30 PM to go back to camp
took the van back to the campsite.. i couldnt hike anymore...
chilled on the sleeping bags at camp with everyone
played some guitar
camp FIRE [no "no fire" this time.. WOO HOO!!!!]
went to sleep around 11 PM

SATURDAY JULY 23 2005
woke up at 6 AM
ate breakfast
packed up everything
left camp around 9 to go to ANOTHER campsite
got to the other camp site [big sur] in about 3 hours
got there
unloading the trailor.... again...
went to the stream by our campsite and i played some guitar while they sang along
went back to the campsite and just chilled cuz it was the last day at camp
that night, had camp fire..
come people went on a night hike
we stayed at camp and sat around the fire as i played the guitar
everyone sang along
did some acting stuff
went to bed
fell asleep around 12 AM... we were playing truth or dare ALL night.. [me, chris, caitlyn, billy]
all of us opened up... it was fun

SUNDAY JULY 24 2005
woke up at 6 AM
packed up our stuff
took pics of everyone
ate breakfast
loaded up the trailor
left at 10 AM
drove 9 hours to get home
stopped at a beach for lunch.. it was purdy
slept most of the ride home
got back to the YMCA at 7 PM
my dad picked me up with conrad [my neighbor]

and... that was my camp experience...

some of the things i did not mention in here are these...

all the girls thought i was a whore cuz i was always around guys... what?! cant a girl have some guys that are friends?!?!

and.. i conquered a lot of my fears...
1.my fear of heights [jumped off the back of the boat, went on the sky glider thing at the boardwalk]
2.my fear of enclosed spaces [went in a hole in a tree.. PITCH black.. i was scared.. but.. i did it!]
3.my fear of rock climbing [when we went hiking, we had to climb on rocks.. ive always been scared of slipping.. but.. i did it!!!!]
4.my fear of the woods at night [there were no critters until the last night.. i got soo scared.. but.. i survived it!]
5.my self conscienceness [i walked around half naked almost the ENTIRE trip.. in my bathing suit and in shorts and spaghetti strap tshirts.. and.. not once was i self conscience.. its too hot to be.. lol]

i made a lot of friends at this camp... ones i hope to keep...

thanks you all, so so much... for making me feel comfortable with myself...

i love u all

ill miss you!!

PS

chris, my dads letting me go to mammoth!!!!!!!!!!!!

i loce u all!!! lol..

inside jokes from camp:
1. i loce you
2. OWWWW!!!! BRUCE!!!!
3. E.T. 3 way
4. i love cheese.. lol..
5. shaking the van
6. the coke bottle that was thrown into the bushes.. lmao!!
7. my manga book.. meergh... chris, u suck..

leave me comments...

<3s and farts and strawberry tarts!

Current mood:	cheerful
Current music:	Glad To See You Go - the Ramones

I'm Leaving!!
sleep away camp starts 2morrow...

so.. im leaving at 5 AM to drop mom off at the airport, and then go out to breakfast and then... YMCA!!!!

god dammit... i cant believe im going with the mother fucking ymca...

i mean... they give u a mother fucking rag if you have "loyalty to christ"...... O_O.. obviously, i will NOT fit in with these christian wanna-be cool ppl... with all their... praying... and their... other stupid shit... gahh... w/e the fuck christians do nowadays...

i mean.. i dont mind my christian friends.. i was christian once.. but... heavy christians who think god is all mighty and u should listen to and praise him?? umm.... it makes me think they're on more than just crack...

so.. im leaving.. enough said..

see you all in a week!!

<3s and farts and strawberry tarts!