| http://profiles.myspace.com/users/1774001
read my blog why i was put in jail for pushing a car at this link
xoxo
ryan
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| ok this is a real rough draft let me know what you think
the day my dad died i just sat and cried i wondered why and my brain was fried
i couldn't do anything but pray. hope that you was ok. in a better place. how i wished i could have told him i loved him to his face. God did you let him hear me? let him know he was dear to me? and who i was sorry for all the fucked up shit i had done. he wasn't perfect a herion addict and alcoholic, but he loved his son i was his first and only one. the doctor said he could never have kids cause of all the drugs he did. little did they know i was destined to be his kid. I used to yell and fight cause i was little and couldn't handle you drunk and shooting up. yeah mom had her problems too and she still do, but she never stopped you from seeing me as i was growing up. yeah we had a broken family because of addiction. all that pain and regret you felt led you deeper in your dispostion. I can remember as a little one praying you would see a better day. that you would start living your life a better way and right before you died you got your act together, but i started drinking and doing drugs like whatever. sometimes the apple dosn't fall far from the tree, and there was times i wanted you to just let me be. you told me i could look for answers in the drugs i was doing, but the answer i would find is not to do em, but now all i can do is remininscence, and wonder what it would be like to have a father that still exsists. i started to get my life together. i wish we could have hung out after we both got out of the stormy weather. sometimes i still feel like my life is falling apart. yet you still remain in my heart. sometimes i don't want people to love me, and i could give a fuck less if anyone hugged me. sometimes i just want to be left alone. drive these streets cause nowhere is home. by the Grace of God i keep moving in his love. hoping someday i'll be a man he's approvin of. |
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| - niki fm Inner Struggle
there is love somewhere in here, isn't there? something about trying makes me sick. but it makes me sad to see you die while i slit my wrist. when i look over the edge i realize it's time, but you say it's to late. that i'm fake and should pay for my crimes. it's just i can't seem to overcome these fears maybe they will wash away with the tears. so selfish i know. when i learn how to love then i'll show. |
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| well its been a eventful week, and I appreciate my friends even more.
xoxo
ryan |
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| lets see here. i got a new ride a 95 mustang. been playing alot of video games and watching dvd s. my social life has went out the window with this job but i've saved some money. i want to get a 51' tv and leather sectional coach eventually for whenever i get a place. starting day shift four days a week in about 2 weeks hopefully. really miss church but God is good. not anything to complain about. love my family and friends even if i don't talk to them much and i pray for them. learning to do the same for my enemies. girls confuse me, and sometimes i dont care. hmmm i wonder if i ever will find that girl that can keep me intrested for real and not just because i want somebody and when she does she won't ditch me because she loves me. well i know i'm really not alone so whatever. this life is fading and im looking for whats real. God prepare me for eternity with you in the name of Jesus amen. i have also been listening to Bob Marleys greastest hits, but bone was the latest. |
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