I notice, the mistakes I make. How many more people do I have to loose? How much do I have to sacrafice? What does it take for people to see that I try to be theirfriend or lover when I'm going through hard times? Its hard for me enough to trust people in my past.

Adopted people don't trust that well to others. Ofcourse their more then that with me. I've been lost since I was little, always wondering about my parents. Who they are, and what they have become. Sometimes, I just think that I'm not adopted to just feel like everyone else in the world. Sometimes I replace the last name Cole to Thorton/Jorgenson. My actual birth last names. I dreamed one day, that I would meet the two that brought me in to this world and gave me up for a better life. Dreams are broken when I find the truth about their fate. Then inside it tears me apart, making me feel vunerable. For the past 18 years. Those dreams would be the dreams of hope. I love my mom and dad, but what would it feel to know the real ones?

 The reason I don't trust is because of how neglected I was when I was little. I was abused in preschool by the teacher. She would lock the door, and would crush me on the ground in the classroom, leaving me screaming for help because she was hurting me. I was neglected for so much in my life. I'm still scar from my first grade teacher telling me that none of my peers are not my friends and don't like me. They where my friends, till the day they either moved away, moved on with their lives, did drugs, ended up going to Jail, or suicide. I never gotten to see my friends graduate right next to me, because they where long gone. I lost my friends because of what she said. I lost them because I couldn't trust that much anymore.

Making new friends is hard. When I start to become friends with someone new, I get the flashbacks from my aweful past. Relationships are difficult. I try my best to be perfect but Im not that perfect because of my insecurities, Love is hard, I never gotten to understand how it feels to be love by many. Only hatred has been flowing through my veins, black like oil, pumping to my coal color heart. I try to clear away from being in the dark, yet afraid to make that step because I feel like the samethings are going to happen all over again. I want to be free from this lonely cave of darkness, and to climb my way out and in to the warm feeling of sunshine.

All I wish for, is to be a better person, a person that can express his love and feelings towards people, a person that will try to trust this world as much as I can, a person that will put aside his anger and his frustration of the death of his birthparents, a person that'll put aside the past and to stop grieving that lost that I have done for my past life, and to be better then what I am now.

I need a massage. Someone give me a massage and I will give you one hell of a massage for an hour straight, back, neck, lower back and feet, I will do it if someone give me a neck and back rub!

Nick

We now return to...Nick's neglected Xanga.

Well, this month been hectic with mainly work, but I get to have fun with my friends. So this whole I have not put a beer in my mouth, how amazing is that? I like drinking, but doing to much just makes you just look stupid.

So, I can't wait for the Summer, so many trips, looking forward having fun in the sun. My parents are sad that I wont be at Shaver Lake for the Fireworks display but instead I will be at Six Flags July 1st, then we all travel down to Pismo Beach and book two rooms for three nights and watch the Fireworks from there and get in to some parties around Pismo. Looking forward to it.

One thing I am looking forward is Fresno State, Spring of 2006. At last.

So thursday, my sister's dog Sheena died, she was close to be a year old. Sheena is a full bred German Shepard that had some health problems. Sheena was going in heat (which is a period to dogs) and my sister has a male and they didn't want to breed yet. So my sister tied her in the back alley behind the house, So Sheena gotten excited one night, jumped over the fence, and the leash snapped her neck. My sister saw her dog hanging. I found out last night, I was devastated because when my sister was out of town I would be the one that tooked care of all 3 dogs and Sheena was my favorite of the group because she was not wild and she was friendly. I will miss her dearly.  

That is all.

Were do I stand in this world now?

Its been a long time since I written on this site. Been neglecting it lately and using myspace. Lately, I been doing ok but not the best. I sacraficed two of my friends because I was deeply fallen for someone. What an ass of me.  I'm meeting new friends along the way, but I wish I never made the biggest mistake of loosing Jaden and Cristen. Guess who's the loser now. Guess who's the one paying the price. Me. I paid the biggest price. There is no way I can never fix this.

Lately, people have been irratating me. There so caught up in their so called life that they don't have time to be around the people that matter like me. Nights, I wait with my cell phone in my hand just waiting for someone to call me to see if I'm doing ok but that has never been like that for me once for the past 5 years. If not, I just go to a bar, looking at the stats of every sport in the country and drink 2 tall glasse's of beer and staying there for 2 hours and then finally go home after that. That's my life. I've been alone all my life without my friends around. Been along time.

So now, my question, where do I stand in this world? How important am I to my closest or new friends? I can't ask for love or a realtionship because I know for a fact that's never going to happen because of the last 4  just didn't like me, and me to asked to be loved is just plain greedy. So now, thats a bad vibe. Where do I stand in my own life? What goal is going to make me tand mold me to the person that I will be one day? I'm 22, going to 23, 24, and 25. Either I keep up to become someone like a screenwriter or just bail that and get in to the USCG.

Where do I stand?

 Why can't she believe a single word I say to her?

I'm not screwing her over....