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fightingengineer
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Name: Eric
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Birthday: 4/27/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: God, family, friends (old and new), sometimes video games, and now schoolwork...a lot of it.
Expertise: I'll let you know in 4 years
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  ebryns427
Member Since:
9/9/2004
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| Random ThoughtsEscapism is a big problem, not only in society, but with me especially. It's easy to get caught up in doing something pointless to pass the time or to get your mind off something. The problem is, you do it too much and you forget how not to do it. So when the important things come along, I am not real sure on my thoughts. The whole time while typing this, I'm going to be tempted to alt-tab over and read stuff about baseball or the news or whatever crap I choose to distract myself with. Hopefully I won't though.
The reason I'm thinking about this is just that, when asked, I couldn't thoroughly explain my feelings about a certain topic. I tried to think about it, but I just couldn't sort my thoughts out. I've usually explained it away about needing time to think on something, but the skill of thinking on your feet like that is certainly important, especially when having face-to-face discussions with people. I find myself clinging to the opinions of those around me rather than thinking it through for myself. I can read one side of an argument and be for it, but if I come across another article against whatever argument, I find myself thinking the other way. One example is with the presidential elections coming up. I've heard a lot of things about Ron Paul and read some things about him, and some of his ideas don't sound too bad. If you'd ask me if I supported him immediately after I read some pro-Paul article, I'd say he's not bad. But then I've found other articles which highlight some of his crackpot ideas (abolishing the FDA for example), and I just flip-flop. Maybe I'm just easily swayed. I've been interviewing for full-time jobs, and I usually come away from my on-site interviews with a positive view of the company, which is obviously their goal with bringing you out there. There was a point earlier in the year when I would have ranked my interest in companies exactly in the opposite order I had visited...the first company would be least interesting, the most recent company would be the best, etc.
I guess with all this, I'm trying to figure out how to think and feel better. I could write you a program to manage your stock portfolio, or I could solve some 2nd order differential equation, but when it comes to the important things, like my feelings and the feelings of others, I'm just your run-of-the-mill, stereotypical man about it all. Clueless. It's something I genuinely want to get better at, but I'm having a tough time of it. I've found that I need to get my thoughts straight before communicating them, otherwise I just confuse everyone and we're all worse off because of it. I hope it's just something that comes better with time, and with more effort on my part. For those of you so inclined, I'd appreciate prayer about it. It's something I hate about myself, and it's really starting to cause some trouble.
-Eric
P.S. I hope the new year finds everyone well, and I'll see you back here in about a year for my next post... | | |
| Well dang it, I shouldn't be writing a blog entry...I've still got 6 problems left on homework for this semi-crazy math class I'm taking this quarter. And I've go to be up in 6 hrs to go to class and what not. I was just reading my old posts and I thought I'd make a happier update than the others on here. It's interesting what I've chosen to post over here. If someone didn't know me and read this, they'd probably think I'm a lot more lonely/introspective than I actually am. I have been told that I seem happier this year. And I have an idea of why exactly that is...
So we met up in Michigan at IV's annual Chapter Focus Week. When I first got there, I flipped through the registry to see what other Rose people were there, and when I saw her name with "RHIT" next to it, I figured it was a misprint...cause some girl I had never heard of wouldn't have come up to Michigan to spend a week with us, would she? So the week went by without incident...I just made a little bit of an effort to spend a little more time around her, and she's said she had no idea I had any "intentions" or anything...haha. One of the last nights there, I was staying up late with Bergdoll and we were talking. Earlier in the summer, he had asked me if I'd go on a double date with him and his fiance and a friend of hers. I had agreed, and just figured, "whatever, if nothing else, it'll get me off campus for an evening". So when he asked me if that was still on, I just said "well, what if there's someone else I want to go on a date with?" It was a good thing I said that, cause then he was on my back for the next week+ until I actually asked her out.
So Rachel and I have been dating for just over three months now, and I can't really express how great it's been. She's just such a wonderful person, and I've had a lot of fun getting to know her and letting her get to know me bit-by-bit over these last few months. It's just so amazing to see these things that I was complaining about not 5 months ago fulfilled in one beautiful, smart (even if she doesn't think she is sometimes...), Godly woman. We have so much in common, it's just kind of crazy...we even both have cats named Sophie...haha. I just feel comfortable around her (much more now than when we started dating...I was kind of a mess then...hahaha) and we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things...it's just kind of hard to explain. It just feels very....right. It's been a fun three-ish months, and I'm looking forward to getting to know each other even more in the future.
Aside from all that, basically all that's going on is that I'm going to classes, working, and interviewing with a bunch of companies for next summer (eTapestry, expedia.com, Rockwell, Interactive Intelligence, Green Hills Software, and more to come). I'll keep you posted, but if you really want to know what's going on, I'm usually always on AIM, whether or not I'm actually around... | | |
| First off, I have no idea who's going to read this, so that leads me to question why exactly I'm posting. I don't know, maybe it'll help me think things through or something.
Being at Rose has been an interesting experience. I've become friends with people a lot smarter than I am, and have had to deal with not being the one guy in the room with the most knowledge on certain subjects. I'm sorry if that sounds pretentious or something, but it's true, and is actually a good thing. I hope I didn't act like like I knew everything in high school, but at least now I know I don't.
I was reading my last post a minute ago (from like a year and a half ago, it looks like...geez...), and most of that still holds true. I don't think I get much respect from most of my friends, as evidenced by the fact that I rarely hold serious conversations with any of them (save a few) and seemingly-harmless teasing. I don't know why it is I can't take a bit of good natured ribbing, maybe it's because I was made fun of for no good reason in middle school by some jerks, or it's that the "good natured ribbing" goes too far or happens too often sometimes. It's odd, because sometimes I can take people making fun of my major, but other times it really, really pisses me off. So what if my classes aren't as "hard" as the "real" engineers? Why should that bother me? I don't know, but it does. Add that to the fact that people have actually told me that it's funny when I get mad, and I can't exactly express myself to them about this. Maybe it's because I'm always looking for a laugh out of people, it seems that that doesn't command much respect from people. Though if I could start over, I don't know what I'd do differently... I've also found that people either don't hear me, or don't care that they interrupt me. I can't count the number of times I've been halfway through a sentence and then people just start talking as if they didn't hear me. Maybe coupled with the whole "people not taking me seriously" thing, it just means I let people walk over me.
Still don't have that person I can confide in, not much I can do about that though...
Also, I don't really have any female friends any more. It's fine to hang out with the guys, but it's a completely different experience (and something that's needed) being with my girl friends. I really don't know what I can do about this either. Maybe my problem is that I'm bothered by it, and that's keeping it from getting better. And it's not even like I'm desperate for anything romantic, I'm just talking about someone who's not a guy who I could talk to once in a while. I really don't think I had this problem til I came to Rose, but I really shouldn't blame it on the school. I was trying to tell my female RA about this, but she took it to mean that I was talking about trying to get a girlfriend. Slap a space in between there and that's all I'm looking for. I'm sure the ratio at Rose doesn't help, but I don't think that's the main problem. If I did know what the problem was, I guess I could do something about it, but I really don't. Argh.
Another thing is a lot more worrisome. At Rose, I've rarely been going to church. I'm doing the whole IV thing, and Bible studies, and Large Group and all that, but when it comes time to waking up on Sunday mornings and heading off to church, I did that probably less than once a month last time I was at school. It's not much better here, and I don't know why. I found a nice church that I liked going to, I get something out of the sermons, and the pastor even took me out to lunch, but I just don't feel a desire to actually go. I even got up one morning, ate breakfast, and then when I started picking out my clothes, I decided I wasn't going and fell back asleep. My mom keeps telling me to not worry about it because she and my dad were the same way in college (and coming from my mom, who does a lot of worrying, that should tell me something), but I do anyway. I just need to be accountable and go with people I know, but most of my church-going friends go to the big church south of town that I didn't really like when I went last year. Just need to find some other people I guess.
Man, this post is depressing. I did mean for this other blog to be more introspective, so I guess that's introspective. If any of you guys don't read my other blog, there's more light-hearted info over there on gibson04, and I should update that soon. Until the next time I'm lying awake at night mulling over things, see you later. | | |
| I have friends. Good friends that I have fun with and will usually stick up for me. Friends in TX, friends in IN. However, I don't really have a confidant. There's no one that I really feel comfortable about telling everything to. There's maybe one or two people who know a little bit more than anyone else, but aside from them, it's no one.
But should I blame them? How open of a person am I? I'm always looking for the cheap laugh, so it's hard for people to really take me seriously. Even when I try to be serious, I start slipping jokes in (you wouldn't believe how hard I'm trying to keep from putting them even in here). I don't know why I can't really be open to people. It's hard enough just typing this and knowing that anyone of my friends (and people I don't even know) can read this. I'm pretty sure I'm not even going to get everything I was thinking about typed in here.
But how well do I even know myself? For example, when Allie and I broke up, I didn't know how to feel. I was feeling something, but couldn't tell what it was. Was it relief? I doubt it. Was it sadness? Depression? Probably not. I'm still not even sure what to think of that whole situation, and I try not to. Or when I got into college? I got the letter, felt a twinge of happiness, then went about my life. I just get so confused as to how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it.
Maybe this is just the realization that I'm losing most/all of my friends back home, and I'm "stuck" with these guys that I've known for 4 months. I was comfortable at home. However, discomfort leads to change/growth. As long as I look at this introspectiveness (don't try to look that one up), in that sort of light, it should be well-worth it. But for now, I figure my best confidant is Jesus Christ. It's things like this where I don't realize how people can't be religious. Just the relief I get from (to look at it secularly), focusing my thoughts on the bad things or (spiritually) giving my troubles/trials to God, should be enough to prove to anyone the existence of a higher Being.
I should write in this more often. | | |
| You know what I haven't done in a long time? Made a post over here. | | |
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