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hi.
it's just me. i haven't talked to the xanga universe in quite some time. there's honestly not much to talk about, and i'd prefer to not write simply for the sake of complaining, or to just rant obscenely about whatever it may be that's annoying me at the time. so, i just don't write. but i do miss it.
these days i find myself trying to find the right place for me in life, and so far it's been an interesting journey. i think of all the ways i can be a better person, be more productive, be healthier, and be happier. sometimes i am able in some way to accomplish parts of these ideas and plans, but most of the time i either make a half-hearted effort or simply quit after one try. i struggle with failure daily, because i often tell myself that my entire life has been failure. but, i make myself have determination to keep trying, despite the fact that usually i desperately want to stop.
i make myself lists and schedules and patterns to follow because i feel comforted by the idea of being guided through life in a linear fashion. my life has been surrounded by disorder for so many years i long to have the simplicity of a uniform way of living. so far i've had limited success at all my attempts, but i feel like weight is lifted from my shoulders when it seems as though all of the day's duties have been laid out before me.
there's so much i want to do, and so many plans i want to set into motion. i want to push myself to do and be more than i have in the past. i want to make more of my life than i have allowed myself to in recent years.
i find myself reaching out to old friends and other people i discarded in order to build a wall around myself. i've been lonely for so long because it was easier to maintain than friendship. i've been working harder than ever to assure the people in my life of the feelings i have for them, and how much i truly appreciate their presence. i've been forcing myself to see the world in a different way, and to try to find a valuable meaning in every day.
my whole life i've searched for things that would make me feel whole, and more often than not what i found only made me feel more broken. i've put pieces together and found ones that were missing, and repaired and improved up the entire puzzle itself. these are terrible cliches, but i truly feel as though i have mended a lot of things in my life. on days like today, when i feel defeated and troubled, i tell myself that i can only do as much as i can; i can't force the world to be anything other than what it is. and i really do believe that, eventually, everything will be alright.
these are thoughts i've had on my mind for some time, and i feel a bit sad and wistful today. i've just had a lot of feelings today, so. i suppose this is just the end result of that, and all this introspective thinking i've been doing.
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wow. i'm so tired.
i'm actually at work right now, typing on a computer that doesn't belong to me or even to my department, but who cares. that's what the company gets for cramming us all into one tiny miniscule area.
it's funny, how boring and routine my life has become lately. mostly every day it's work, home, snack, sleep in a seemingly never-ending cycle. it doesn't make me unhappy or distressed; it's really kind of comfortable, in a boring way. sometimes i just wish my cat would start talking or my car would explode or something to shake things up.
work has been stressful the past couple of months; my good friend recently retired and now my boss is leaving. for a while, i thought this meant a promotion for me, but no. a new bosslady is moving in, which relieves me of all responsibility, and for that i am glad. now if only the other braindead idiots i work with would just disappear. then maybe i would do a happy dance.
in all other aspects, my life has been fine. things seem to be on a slight upswing, a welcome change from the horrible impending disasters i had to thwart in times before.
the only thing is that i feel a desperate need for something to change. to start something new, or be someone different, or live some place else. i want to see what else life has to offer beyond blandsville, new jersey and soul-crushing corp. i suppose these opportunities will come as time passes, but i ain't getting any younger. and neither is my travel companion. which is a whole other issue about wanting to settle down somewhere and have babies, something i'm not altogether ready for yet think about relentlessly.
now i feel confused. or maybe just still tired.
i feel like i've been out of the loop for a long time. i could use a few buddies or a few cool people to hang out with, but alas, i'm still social poison to my peers. the only people i seem to along with very well are the stupid and the elderly. and boy does that make me feel humiliated.
well, i had to punch out of 5 minutes ago, so i'm going to pack up all my junk and get out of here. maybe in another 3 or 4 months i'll have thought of something interesting to say.
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| well...may is like, pretty much over, so it's about time i post about the lack of anything happening in my life. the only thing i really have to talk about is work, and the stuff that i do have to say is all blah blah blah gripe. reaallly not interesting.
but everyone at work is driving me crazy. i'm going to end up either killing them or myself.
what else is new? oh, right. nothing. summer's pretty much here and i fucking hate this time of year. it feels like sloooooow deeeeaaaath. i guess i have to endure it to get to the more pleasant season of fall, but goddamnit, it's barely worth it.
i'm just waiting for life to move forward to the next step, and what a fucking uncomfortable waiting period it is. sometimes i'm just...antsy all the time. and i swear to some holy being, the stress of work is making me insane.
well, i'm going to have a beer and....i don't know, do something mindless until i have to go to sleep.
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| today is officially my day off, as now i have yet again submitted myself to the heartless machine that is hospice care. i feel tired, but strangely optimistic. probably because i have like, tons of shit to do. boo. boo to that.
everyday, lately, i've been trying to write new chapters in my mind of this great tome called "THE REST OF MY LIFE." i've convinced myself that if i just create scenarios and goals in my head, i've then created the likelihood of my achieving said goals. this has been the kiss of death for me in the past, because nothing in life ever goes according to plans (or so has been my experience). but i like to think about all the things i want for myself, the things i want to be, because i am way tired of being the suck. it's not that i'm...unhappy with the life i have now. it's okay; i can live with it for the time being. the problem is that it's unsatisfying...it's not living up to my expectations of what life should be. i don't know--maybe everyone feels this way most of the time. i just keep thinking that tomorrow is the better day...today was just the transistion.
anyway, that's my blog for the month of april. april's blog for the month of april. man, that's lame.
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something that you come to understand as an employee in a nursing home is that the residents aren't going to be there forever. nearly everyone living there is in the final years of their lives, and essentially the reason for a nursing home is so that sick, elderly people have a place to die. and i have understood that from my first day of work; it's something i've known essentially my whole life, because my mother is a nurse's assistant and i've spent time as a child around the very same nursing home i now work in. personally, death has never been a sad thing to me. i accept death as something that is inevitable, and aside from feelings of loss, the death of those i know and love hasn't devastated me.
but recently i've felt like i've been literally surrounded by death. every day that i come in to work, someone else has died. and those people have been residents i care for and spend time with nearly every day. the faces i'm used to seeing every morning during coffee hour, the ladies i dance with at parties. people who i have come to see as more friends than patients. and i don't cry when i hear that one of the sweetest old men in the home finally died today. or when one of the funniest residents is gone. because if i cried every time someone died, every time i heard someone was getting worse, i would never stop. i would be depressed all the time. but sometimes i just want to scream because it's so overwhelming right now. it's not like i've never dealt with death at this job; it's just never been so many all at once. and though i know so many of them are hanging on for only so much longer, i can't make myself go in to see them. i just avoid them and wait to hear the bad news. and i just feel like such a fucking jerk, because i can't get over my own heartbreak to be with these people when they really need someone who loves them.
i don't know. it's been an exhausting couple of weeks. i just want life to go back to normal.
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