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| PoisonWhen it all started, you were what i wanted
And I, you
So perfect, too perfect
Like ice cream without all the fat and calories
With the good comes the bad
and sometimes the bad is worth it
I kept telling myself that surely this was it
But its not
When you don't get your way you pitch a fit like a child
Although you are a decade older than me, and call me the child
You yell and berate me, tell me how ungrateful and selfish
Foolish and unbelievable I am
There is no reasoning with you, regardless of who is right or wrong
But I think I love you so I stay
Because all after that, I can't believe anyone would have me.
You dont have to tear me apart and make me feel like I'm nothing in order for me to stay with you
You deserve amazing, and, most of the time, I feel like I am that person
I used to be so strong and sure, outgoing and fearless
And you loved it, love it
So why would you want to kill that part of me? Don't you love me?
You come back the next day after you have stomped off like a three year old
Apologizing, telling me you want to do better, and avoiding any sort of resolution in discussion
Just assuming since you are over it, I am too
But I'm not
I've told you I don't sleep or eat when things go wrong between us
but you don't seem to care
You turn off your phone, ignore me, do whatever pleases you at the time
Regardless of what I need, don't you love me?
I tell you the things I struggle with and you turn them around and use them against me
Or tell me I will just have to learn to deal with it on my own
Or that I weigh you down....
Am I not enough?
Of course not!
I will never be enough for you
Ever.
It is a realization that I have been slow grasping
Because when things are good, they are good
But of course never good enough....
You always want more and more and more....
And when I ask something of you, you can't find any middle ground
Thats why we don't work.
There is no compromise. Not that you should have to compromise on some things
But really. Its just not enough.
You are like a poison that I breathe in unconsciously
Sneaking up on me like a vampire
You make my heart pump faster
and then squeeze it as hard as you can until you break it....
I'll not put it in your hands again
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| Sometimes your best isn't good enoughSometimes the things I do never seem to be enough. Shawn and I had started being able to be around each other again and so he brought up the fact that we were getting along so well, why not get back together? I said, hey don't mess with a good thing, you and I are both happy. But he wanted committment. and so we decided that if we could make it work for a few weeks we would make it offical. Not even a week goes by and the shit has already hit the fan. I have given and given and given for this man, given up so many things, and it was worth it for a while, but he just keeps wanting more and more. I wanted to believe what he said, that we could make it work, the he knew he had a lot to work on, and that he would actually work on it. I did good not letting him in again, but of course I got closeish to him again. Then the cruise thing happened, and I got an interview. Granted, I have yet to be offered a position due to restructuring, but to him it doesnt matter because i want it. Of course I want to go, its the chance of a lifetime! I've given up a couple of big chances for him and now he wants me to "prove I love him" by not going if they hire me. Right. Like the time I had to back out of the egg donor thing because if I didn't, he would have broken up with me. Or the job that I could have had but i would have had to work nights and that would have destroyed our relationship. Like anything could have honestly saved it. I'm getting fenced in again! But this time I know for sure it is for my own protection... I just can't have anything with him right now. Not even a friendship cause then it turns into more because we still honestly love each other.
I guess I'm just frustrated because we break up, things start going well for me for once, then we start kind of talking and they get worse. I have been completely honest with him the whole time, although it seems he didnt actually understand half of what i was saying....and then he keeps asking for more and more, and I give all the concessions I can until I have nothing left then he still wants more or he isnt happy....I'm just so confused, I guess I thought I was enough.
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| A (repeat) UpdateThings have been interesting lately. I am not even sure how to sum it all up at once and still hit all the major points so if this vague to you, just message me for more details. I don't mind sharing. There is a "demotivator" poster that says something like "Purpose: Perhaps your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others". Thats how I feel. Its like "What Not To Wear", but more like "What Not To Do", "How to Push the Ones You Love Away" or "How to Try to Please Others and Lose Who You Really Are In The Process". Ok, so maybe its not THAT bad, but its been a little rough. It seems like I'm actually associating with the people I should be and am gaining a little distance from the ones that aren't beneficial to me.
I was dating a guy for a while, things got serious a little fast, the first few months were great, but the past 4 have just been constant fighting. The only reason I can offer for us staying together through all that crap is that we were convinced we loved each other and kept believing that the other person would be inspired by that love to be a better person. At least on my end. He is a good guy, but not for me. We seemed to have so much in common, but in the end, somehow we were so different on the huge issues like what we actually expected out of a relationship on a daily basis and a long term basis.....When we broke up, it seemed that I hurt much more than he did. My friend Christina says it is because I invested so much more into it, made a majority of the sacrifices, etc. There is a part of me that wants to try to go back and fix it, not necessarily because I am determined to be with him (cause I'm certain there is better out there for me), but because I feel like after all the trials and tribulation and learning, I should have done better. I should have been able to be all the things he wanted me to be, and with out much hassle. I feel like I will never be enough for the right man for me. Sure there are random guys out there that are like "baby, you are enough for me, giggity, giggity!", but really I mean the RIGHT man for me. One that truly loves me. Thats the thing. I think what happened is the "preview" that Shawn had of me was something he liked and thought that he would want in a wife for the rest of his life, but as the blanks got filled in and they werent exactly what he wanted, he tried to force me into what he thought was the "ideal me" by telling me that I was this or that, and should be this or that instead, and to try harder if I really loved him. But really the ideal me is who I am! Cause I am who I am and that is quite enough, as a man who has always loved me and always will reminds me. 
I could go on and on about how I'm right and he was wrong, but that's not what I'm here for. The point is its over. Its hard, I miss him, I miss us, i miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie, my partner in crime......but it makes way for my soulmate to show up sooner. And it makes me grow up a bit more. I have a better perspective now.
In other news, I am still looking for a job that fits me. I'm making ends meet, but I'd like to somewhat move past that. At first, before Shawn and I broke up, I wanted to settle down so he and I could make a life together in Nashville. But now that I dont have that , and my lease ends in august, I am thinking about breaking out of this joint. Not that Nashville is bad, it is my home and I love it, but I have absolutly no ties to anything here that will force me to stay. I tried to leave once, but what i thought was love held me here, and I won't do it again. But if here is where God wants me to be, I want to be there. I'm also contemplating working on a cruise ship, just thought it would be cool. If you have any other ideas, let me know. I'm down for just about anything that pays the bills.
In climbing news, I broke/severely injured/bashed my hand superhard about 2.5 months ago and never went to the doctor to get it checked, just took a month off to rest it. I started climbing easy on it again and now I'm back to climbing 11s again. I have yet to hit an 11d clean, but hey, I'm getting there. My goal is a 12 by the end of the year. I've been running and working out a lot. My friend Christina is my abs, climbing and trial running buddy....its been great. Me and her and our friend Chris are quite the misfits, but love having each other around to be goofy with...
In God news, there is a verse that says "I will fence her in with thorns and keep her from her lovers"....well the fence is working. There are nights i just want to be held, to have someone run their fingers through my hair and talk to me about heartfelt things, but I'm being fenced in from the shallower things, the purely physical in wait for the better things. It sucks but I know God has something great for me and I just want to do that. My church and church family is still amazing
in health news, I found out in March that I have HPV. Its one of the 6 strains that are known to cause cervical cancer. My friends and family of course are believing its not even an issue. I am trying to get the proper care to take care of everything, the Dr. said its pretty agressive, but it takes like a year to get bad. They may be able to just cut it all out, or it could spread through my lymphnodes. If it stays concentrated in my cervix then they may have to remove my cervix and i wont be able to carry children. Which isn't a huge deal since I am not sure if I'm one to have kids or not. My sister called about 5 minutes after she found out and told me she would bear my children for me. I was like how bout you just have your own and i'll borrow them here and there? Ha Ha. I'm not sure what bearing this has on my egg donation, which i would like to resume now that Shawn and I are no longer together, but we will see once I figure out if I am settling down or not.
I think thats about it!
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| Meant for No OneI wish i could live without the thought of you
still lingering in the back of my mind
engraved on my heart.
True love, come and gone, but yet
not gone so far away that i could never feel it again
It burns me to feel so used
as if nothing i do is good enough,
but what i think is good and enough is nothing
or too much
You know me, my heart, more than anyone else on this planet
somehow, and after all this time....
It doesn't hurt the way i think it should
all this being without you
Because its love
Love that you are happy
Love that you are content
Love that we are a little closer
to where we started
Love that I still mean something
Love that you remember
Love that no matter what
we are always each others
Sometimes when i feel his touch
your picture flashes in my head
I forget where i'm at
and what day it is
Silly me, I'm just a silly girl
to imagine that love that great could ever happen again
I'm here because its what i have for today
and i hope that it becomes something more tomorrow
He worries about me, if he should ever leave
I didn't tell him not to assume that he is even half the man you were.
I just knew he would get upset
Some people are just meant for each other
and some not
and some are meant for no one.
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| Running againSomehow i manage to do it again
You said you would fence me in and keep me from my lovers
Until I submitted to you
And i thought i did
and that you had led me to the one who might love me the rest of my days
But it ended again, in a blaze
He taught me so much, it was more than good
It could have been perfect except
Except for that one small part of me that refuses to be held in
That glimmer of selfishness, the denial of anything I couldnt process quickly
He pushed me, the same way i always did
and pushed me so far that i couldnt think straight.
Granted it was mostly me who was wrong
but i tried so hard, why can't i seem to get it right?
Even when i depend on you i still seem to fail
when will i get it right?
I'm not in a hurry, in a rush
i just want to know that i'm not crazy
and that i can let someone all the way in without them running
or staying but to judge me constantly.
I've been offered great love in the past but let it pass
knowing that in the end they would be like all the rest
Running, judging, running, running....
Running.....its all that keeps me........... sane..........safe
I'll run to you....
Catch me before i destroy myself
its all that i can do to stop
Because sometimes it feels so good to hurt so deeply inside
And to know that I am the only one to cause it
That i havent let someone in only for them to do it
I'll run to my pain, run to my hurt
run till i can breathe no more
Could you show me how to be like Enoch?
To run so closely with you that you just take me
take me away
this life has nothing for me
And is an illegitimate preview of the next
When will i get it right?
Meanwhile i'll work my body till it is so ripped it attracts yet another victim.....
and then the cycle begins again
Tune in next time
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