It's a new dawn it's a new day....

well good lord

DAMNNNN!! It’s been a year since I've posted here ... Idunno why I really using my MySpace any way cuz this one has the years ofblogging behind it any way.

So where to begin any way ... been so long.  Well I dated Scotty for about4 months and then broke up with him because of Chris and that he wouldn’t kickhim out.  Only to latter go and see him 3 months later, and then a fewweeks ago... the last trip I was looking for closure for this whole thingbecause dating him for that 4 months fucked with me in ways I couldn't haveeven thought were possible.  Well I finally got closure from the wholething and I'm feeling better.

How ever bad that may sound some good has come out of. It. I ended up seeing a therapistand was diagnosed as type 2 rapid cycling bi-polar.  I was put on meds andlife has been so much easier since then.  I dated a guy named Jeff for amonth who was also bipolar and seeing how he acted was also a big wakeup callthat I needed to do something because I didn’t want to be what I saw him being.

After 9 months of working at coroware I was finally laid off and a week later Istarted my new job with endeavor as a technical consultant.

In this year's time I've considered moving to both Indiana and Sequim ... bothdecisions that I'm glad I didn’t make.

I've met a lot of new people along the way, started making contact with my father’sside of the family after not talking to them in 10 years.  I know thateven in the one year since I last posted I can almost say I'm not the sameperson I was then.  Believe it or not I've learned so much in that time... changed how I interact with people, tried to quit smoking about 3 times andfailed every time.  I'm thinking though that I'm going to try again anduse the patch to do it.  I really think I need to break this habit sinceI've been feeling an effect on my heart and other vital organs in the lastmonth and I know that they aren't good ones.  My heart pains have gottenworse and more frequent in the last year as well.

But over all I am very happy with the changes I've made with myself.  Inow live with Ian who I've known since we were about 6 years old.  I'vecome to the conclusion that Scotty and I can only be friends because any more thanthat and I risk entering into rapid and unstable mood swings despite mymedication being in full effect.

During all of this I think I've finally hit a point that I'm ok being singlebut I'm not opposed to a relationship, I've come to terms with who I am, I'mnot really sure how to put that so that it can make sense to others but I'm basicallyhappy with myself.

I know there is a lot that I could add to this but I've decided to make this abrief over view of the last year.

It's all over now

Micahel moved out today, I asked him to because Andrew and I were getting in trouble with the complex and I felt it wouldn't be appropriate for him to sign the lease with andrew and I ... and frankly andrew flat out said no.

But I came home expecting to be able to say good by ... at all I never got that chace for when I came home he and all of his possessions were gone.  My phone was there but nothing remained.  No good by, no note ... nothing ... and a part of me was ready for him to be moved out and a part of me still isn't ... I've had a hard time just being here.

I know I did what I had to do this ... Michael and I were not going to go any where but stick in this limbo and it was just a stress on both of us.  But god do I miss him right now, I just want to hug him and hold in him my arms and be with him and cry at the thought of losing him like this for ever.  I wish things could go back to the way the were with him here and us in our limbo ... I may not have liked it but it was still comfortable and I was happy with that.

But I have something and some one to look forward to he's the one thing that I look forward to each to and I think about all the time.

I do need to make this clear though, I love Michael and I know I will love him for a very long time.  What changed though is that I fell out of love with him ... in other words, I love him but I am no longer IN love with him.  Thus the root of my pain, I've lost a good friend who brought me comfort and I lost him a lot more unexpectedly then I would have liked and I don't like having suprises like this.  But that's life....

There is alot more that could be said right now ... for example the guy that I'm currently seeing and have been seeing for about the last month.  SO as you can see today has been a long time in the making and not somthing just sudden.  I had to think long and hard about the choies I made that lead to today and I know I've done the right thing and I've chosen the right people to be around me ... but I can't help but feel like shit for pushing him out like that.

SOOOOOO ... I've been thinking a lot lately, realizing certain patterns in my behavior with Michael.  A lot of similar parallel between them and yet a lot thats not.  Yet my feelings for both of them are almost the same, granted I know I have a love for mike that I haven't developed with Michael yet, how ever I know I care for Michael and in his own way he shows the same.

I've always been a believer in the fact that for me I think the lasting relationship in my life would be founded under tough conditions, that something would have to be messed up for the relationship to start, not to maintain it but it would be founded on something unique that most people wouldn't be able to relate to.  I thought I had found that with Gary but I was wrong, and I knew that early on with him ... but I couldn't give up on him, I suppose that how Michael fills for Max ... he doesn't want to give up on him.

I watched "my private idaho" today, planted some thoughts in my mind, got me thinking about how far I would go to make this happen and I suddenly realized that if I knew that it would work I don't think there is an end to what I would give and do.  I've built my whole life around the idea of spending it with some one else ... some one I could call my boy friend, my husband.  With out that element in my life I think I would be unhappy which is why any one who knows me well or for any period of time knows that there tends to be short periods in my life where I will not not be seeing some one or some how be involved with some one.

The way I feel for michael like I said has only been felt one other time in my life and that was for the four years I had tried to be with Mike.... I guess tho what I'm saying is that if he gives me the word then my time on this side of the mountains may be limited.... Yes I would throw all of this away for a boy because I have faith.... some may call it blind but I belove all love is blind and we all have to have faith in it and its the only thing I've truly got left in my life ... love.

Time for a return

So I've decided its time for me to come back here and start writing again.

I woke this morning with a sense of ... something missing.  Now I'm at work sitting here troubleshooting some issues and I have a feeling I've known before, I spoke of it a while back before Josh and I got together.  The feeling that I want existence to just stop ... to not be.  I don't know if I can explain what I'm feeling today.  I find I've shot my self in the foot once again.

I've developed a crush on a boy named Michael, I may or may not have mentioned him as of yet. 

Michael lives in Idaho with his ... well some times boy friend, long story.  He's considering moving over to this side of the mountains to live in the city.  I've made it clear that I'm interested in him and he's dropped hints that he feels the same.  I've been invited to join him on a trip to see his family in montana in which I would fly to spokane and then we would take a gray hound from there to Butte Montana stay for a day then we would revers the process the following day.

I do believe that once I can organize these funds I'm going to take this trip.  Nick is not pleased in the slightest about what I'm doing, nor has he been pleased with my actions in the last few months.  I really should listen to him because he's been right about every thing so far but being me I need to find out for my self if there is a potental for a relationship with this boy.  Any one who knows me knows that I will stop at nothing in my pursuit for my "life partner / mate" and this Michael show's amazing potental, aside from the fact that he lives over 200 miles from me.

I've never had much luck with guy's named Michael tho sadly and I'm hopping that history will not repeat it's self.

mmmmmm I <3 Motzart's Moonlight Sonata, its a rather fitting piece for my current mood lol I feel like I should dim the lights and be sipping on a glass of white wine. *sighs*

Please my lord and lady as I have asked you in the past I must ask you again, grant me this opportunity to meet him, may it lead to something more and may it grow to be a loving and happy life long relationship.

There is plenty more for me to say but for now this is all that's relevant to the current post.

Blessings to all.

Josh