Sometimes I remember what I'm fighting for.

Sometimes there are these bright, shiny flashes of clarity and I know exactly why I'm on this earth and where all this seemingly meaningless stuff is headed and none of the excuses hold up.

I live for those moments.

Now the trick is to get them to last long enough to make something of them.

I'll be figuring this whole life thing out until the day it's over.

I am your angel, you'll be my army now,

~T

sure didn't write this, but sure do feel it

"Don't you fall asleep," Michael complained
"The weatherman said 2 am"
So you suck on the bottles that keep away pain
And you laugh until it begins

It's cold outside
And the light rushes past and the light is bright
We don't have much
But when pieces of star explode in the night
So what?

"I gotta rise early," Michael explained
"If you want a ride, let's go"
So you watch out the window but it's not the same
We turn on the radio

(Fly away...)
Our bodies rest
And the night rushes past and the night is blessed
(Fly away...)
When we get home
We will fall into bed and forget what we said
When day breaks in
When day breaks in
When day breaks in
We'll wake up alone

"This is working," Michael maintained
"Some things never do"
So I sing the songs that keep away rain
But I am still soaked through

There's no taking sides
Our lives rush past and our lives divide
Even mountain fall
Stars fade to black like they never burned
The meteorite
The meteorite
The meteorite
Gives up its ghost to the sky

And we make the wishes
We'll keep on wishing
Til we die

I itch to write songs.

Yes, I very much want to act.  Yes, I love love love and am way better at writing screenplays and novelish type prose.  Yes, I would choose Hollywood over NYC or Nashville in a heartbeat.

But music is and always will be my first and truest love, and songwriting is something I want to do for the rest of my life, even if only on the side.

I haven't written a new song - or even a new lyric - in...well, let's just leave it at "a very long time."  Part of that is that I've been concentrating exclusively on the aforementioned "screenplays and novelish type prose" lately.  Part of it is because I don't feel I'm very good at it.  Part of it is a lack of inspiration.  And yet another - possibly the biggest - part of it is the frustration of not being able to proficiently play any instrument good for writing songs, ie piano or guitar.

But tonight, I'm listening to some Vineyard kids, and Sondre Lerche (very good, wrote the soundtrack to Dan in Real Life, check him out), and I really want to write a song.  I got a few very rough words Sunday night, and what has the potential to be a beautiful idea.  But is my mind and my voice the best one to convey the idea?

Despites the doubts, I'll try, because I itch to write songs.

That single word it landlocked me,

~T

It's funny...the exact moment you feel like you've been completely forgotten by life and abandoned by God is the same moment He slaps you in the face (mathaphorically speaking, of course) and says, "Hey, you're still on my mind, and here's a sign that I'm telling the truth."

I'm still eligible for the job in Champaign.  I don't have it yet - nor am I 100% sure I want it either - but the knowledge that I'm at least still in the running is enough to keep me going for a while longer.  If I get it, after I've worked there for a year, I can go anywhere I want and work from home, so there are a lot of positives to getting it.  But it's also a move to a place I don't see myself living for an extended period of time, and a committment of at least a year. 

It's also a guaranteed job without even having to search if I ever get myeslf in shape and move out to LA to pursue the career I really want and feel I'm supposed to have.

*sigh* We shall see, we shall see...I'm bad at sitting back and waiting though.  I freak out too much.

I tread water just the same,

~T

Ugh...my life hurts.

Quote stolen from the mighty Stoph.

I feel like so many things need to change, but in reality, it's really just one big change that needs to be made.  And then things would start falling into place.  At 23, my "life" would finally begin.

Sometimes I hate being a thinker and an insomniac...and a worrier...and a pessimist...and so judgmental...and...well...me.

I find no advice on being a me who only wants to be somebody else,

~T