there's no more chances.

"you're a failure" she tells herself.
"you're good for nothing."
she runs to the bathroom, opens the cabinet like she's done so many times before.
breaks the razor,
runs through the blade up and down with her thumb as it slowly starts bleeding.
she's been here so many times.
she rubs her eyes to clear her vision from all the tears,
and puts the blade back,
hoping she won't have to go through the same thing everyday anymore.

i'm dead scared.
i'm so afraid this won't end up how i want it.
if i open up,
tell him want i want him to know,
what he wants to know,
and he doesn't respond the way i want.
where do i go then?
i've risked everything for that moment.

have you ever wanted something so bad?
you eat, sleep, work, and dream about it?
you want to be the best you can possible be.
but even though you work hard everyday,
you're afraid you will become nothing but a failure?

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i failed you.
i'm sorry i can't say i love you,
or tell you why i'm crying so hard.
i'm sorry i can't be everything you've been to me.
everytime i cried,
you didn't have to know anything,
all you did was hug me until i stopped.
i'm so sorry i failed you.

we've been fighting a lot lately.
she's changed.
but maybe i'm changing too?
i have no clue.
but i won't lose her.
i can't lose her.
she's all i have now a days.

have you ever been in a room full of laughter and chatter,
with your best friends and boyfriend,
everybody you can ever possibly want in your life,
and tear up because you've never felt so alone?

i'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry i didn't understand.
i'm so sorry i didn't care.
i've failed you as your daughter.
i don't know how you can ever forgive me.
yet you do,
and that's why i love you.

she told me:
name two things that are important to you.
i said family and basketball.
she said: did you forget about your teamates?
i responded:
i didn't say blood family.

you can be the remedy
and i can be the emeny
and we can go live as if nothing

i hate who i've been.
i hate who i am.
i hate who i'm becoming.
and most of all,
i hate how nobody notices

i just want him.
i will take the beating.
i will hold the tears.
i will stand the lectures.
i will be perfect,
just so i can be with him.

what's more important?
a friend who has always been there for you,
or a boy who you like a lot?
yeah, i know the girl should win,
but what if i do as people say,
and choose the boy?
am i just horrible?

we're friends.
that's what she said.
i came to face the facts that night.
somewhere along it all,
between the new friendships and boys,
and new adventures and trips,
we lost the "best."

living in the past is neglecting you of your future.
but what if i want my past to be my future?

stop.
turn the car off.
stop the train.
land the plane.
and stop the watch.
i want it all to
stop.

i told myself i never would be her.
i would never drown myself in self pity.
i would never lie to my best friends.
i would never be that girl i hated,
who talked shit,
who backstabbed,
and who didn't think about anybody else.
yet, i look in the mirror,
and there she is.

they say follow your heart.
well, my heart is telling me to take a break from it all.
in the mist of the yelling and fighting,
grab the wallet,
grab the keys,
and go.
get in the car,
and it won't matter where you go,
as long as it's not where you started.
but just as i start to grab the keys,
my brain tells me to accept this life,
and i let go of the keys and start crying.

have you ever felt so worthless,
like there is no point in you living,
like your breathing just makes everything worse?
and maybe if you weren't alive, none of this would happen?

i can't stand you.
you lie.
you ruin lives.
i can't stand you.
you confront me just to have the glory of being able to say you are the bigger person.
so then i look like the bitch.
i hate you.
and even more dreadful of a fact,
i was you.

everyday it's the same thing.
wake up.
suck it up.
bear the pain.
live two hours of joy.
then go home.
fight.
argue.
cry.
go to bed thinking maybe tomorrow will be different.
lights out.

everytime it rains,
i wonder if there's somebody else in this town
who loves the misery of rain just as much as i do.

bye.

no one knows my name

i thought it was going to be great.
forget the past.
forget the rumors.
forget it all.
but then why do i feel so alone?

maybe this wasn't that best,
maybe i shouldn't have made such a change,
to end up all alone,
thinking i would be fine.
well i thought wrong.

i'm sick of insecurities,
of wondering what he thinks,
or if you look fat in that outfit.
fuck it.
i'm sick of it all.

i tell myself i don't love you,
and i tell the world the same.
but when you give her that face
that you gave me,
i can't stop lying to myself anymore.

sometimes the people you need the most
are off not giving a damn about you

we're not the same.
we've drifted.
you would say i love you and i would believe you.
now i think you say it to reassure yourself.
what happened to our love?

do me a favor?
stop fucking with my emotions.
either you love me forever
or love me for never,
no in between

you asked me what i wanted from you.
well i want the cheesy stuff.
i want to be swept off my feet.
i want to be called beautiful.
i want midnight calls just so you hear my voice.
i want late night walks.
i want to look at the stars with you by my side.
i want you to look at me like you look at her.

there is no question about it.
not one.
i love you.
with all my heart.
now when you're with me,
and after when you leave me.

i hope it will get better
i hope you will change,
and think it will all get back to normal.
i see you starting to care,
andi hope it stays that way.
although i know i should just quit hoping,
and start realizing nothing's changed.
i'm just hoping so much i go dilussional.

why do you ignore me?
why don't you return my calls?
why are you with her?
because i know you love me.
i know what you said that night,
was real.
and i know you still mean every word of it.

when you first came in,
all my anger came back.
i hated you so much for leaving me.
and i still hurt so much because of it.
and as you came in,
you hugged me.
you no longer needed an explanation or an apology.
i knew you were sorry,
and i knew you loved me,
and i understood.
and it was all night that we acted
like we hadn't acted in the longest time.
thank you for that.

okay done. bye

icon mood.

             

  

okay bye

Stop and breathe

hello.
goodbye.

i'm idiotic.
i make overdramtic analyzations.
i overthink every word that is said.
i spend too much time dreaming of what i want
rather than achieving it.
i'm a confused, aggitated, smartass
teen.

hi nice to meet you.
have my heart now and leave with it.
i don't know if you've figured it out,
but i can predict the future.

goodbye.
to everything we had.
to everytime you made me smile.
to all that we were together.
this is for the best.
trust me.
yes, i do love you.
it is better. just trust me.
goodbye my love.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
why do you tell me you like her?
but then call me beautiful?
or tell me i'm amazing?
STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD.
because, you see, i have this horrible habbit,
of falling for your every word,
knowing you won't catch me.

i guess i'm completely afraid of it.
all of it.
the happiness,
the steps to falling in love,
the casual "i love you"s,
i'm so scared for it all.
because i'm fearful that after that will follow:
i just don't feel the same anymore.
those words scare me.

sure i could take a chance,
and maybe fall deeply in love with you,
but i've taken chances like that before.
i'm still here.
by myself.
you see?
i'm sick of taking god damn chances.

I want you.
i want to hold your hand as we lay on the grass,
i want to argue who loves eachother more.
i want to fight over the stupidest thing.
but in the end have our love grow even stronger.
i want to look into your eyes and know exactly what's on your mind,
i want you to be able to accept that i'm not ready to lose my virginity yet,
and for you to understand i don't say i love you because i don't,
but because i'm afraid, once i do admit it, you'll stop loving me in return.
i want endless of hours of just starring at the stars,
or just laying on your chest,
knowing that even though we don't say a word,
life is perfect in that beautiful moment.


peace out girl scout =]