Stress

2:50pm
I stand outside, wondering where everyone is.
For the last three weeks I have been working alone.
So much that I haven't had time for anything but working.
As Brett and Carrie walk up they ask, where is everyone?
I don't know.
So we start painting, and still no one shows.
The sun is setting as an hour has passed,
All we can think about is the cold.
Jess comes, and is a sight for sore eyes.
"I can only stay for an hour" she says
But she has already made my day.
With Four of us things start to get better,
But then the air gets colder.
Jess has to go, but we all keep painting
Three people out of almost 40.
We are all angry and disappointed.
I tell them to leave so that they can at least make dinner
so then it's just me, waiting for paint that seems like it will never dry.
7:30
The paint is dry, and I can leave, but the dining hall is closed.
Brett inspires me.
Even though his life is in shambles, he compliments ever person that walks by him.
"I like your scarf" "I like your jacket"
Hoping he can make them smile.
So as I wait in line at Panera, I think of Brett,
and when the woman asks me what I would like,
I smile. "I like your earrings"

Just talking

Yes, I do realize that it's almost three in the morning... and please realize that when I attempt to type out what I'm feeling. I'm starting to feel myself changing. It's not that change is a bad thing, but in this case it is. I've lost myself completely, like I don't even know myself anymore. I used to laugh, and smile, and be crazy. All these things that define who I am, I'm suddenly scared to show them. Everytime we start having fun, something goes wrong, and suddenly this relationship seems all to familiar. Is it so wrong that I want to be loved for who I am? It's not like I pretend to be someone else all the time. So if you know that you're not gonna like it, why would you choose me? Maybe the only reason that he can be okay with it is that I wasn't chosen. He thought that I could get her off his mind. Well, I could have told him that that wasn't gonna work. The only thing that can fix a broken heart is time. I know because it took me way too long to figure that out. So where do I go from here? Do I let myself change, and become something I'm not, and if I do... why? I found myself looking at vet schools in Pennsylvania, and for what? The more I think about what the future might bring, the less I want it. Maybe what I think is happy is really just what I tell myself so that I don't have to confront it. So why do I let myself be treated like this? Maybe I don't deserve any better.

so this is who I am:

I'm crazy!
I get into tickle fights
I wont kill even the smallest bug
I pout when I don't get my way
I'm smart
I'm stubborn
I cuddle... a lot
I need to feel wanted
when I get sad, I just want to be held
I can't fall asleep in the middle of a fight
I fight for what I believe in
When I love, I love with my whole heart

I'm going to find someone who will love me for everything I am, with all of my flaws, and all of my mistakes. Someday I'll be loved the way that I love him. And I'll wait 50 years if I have to, but I'll find it.

Currently Listening Sweet Charity (2005 Broadway Revival Cast) By Cy Coleman, Dorothy Fields, Christina Applegate see related

falling with the leaves

It's the nights like this one that I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up. When things fall apart, they really do fall apart. I'm trying to balance all of these things at once, and now I'm wondering if I can handle it. The hardest thing is bracing myself for my father's death. Besides the bad dreams about it, it only hits me at certain parts of the day.. and then I can't help but cry. My dad is one of my best friends. He's in the band, he's always making these corny jokes, he's the perfect father. So now what can I do but be sad. On top of this, they're moving to bethany beach, which I'm not too happy about, but i want my dad to be happy for the time he has. Tonight me and Joe planned out most of the seussical set. This show is going to ruin us if it isn't already. When we start planning things different ways, I just end up getting yelled at. Don't get me wrong, I love joe. But everything is pilling up on me. Everything is falling apart, and now so are we. Maybe I just need a good night of sleep... I hope that's all I need. Oh yeah, and if anyone is in Delaware this weekend, come see my show, SWEET CHARITY!

So when I panic and feel each day
I come to the end of the line
Then I say that fear hasn't licked me yet
I keep telling myself
I'm the bravest individual
I have ever met

Currently Listening Adore By The Smashing Pumpkins for martha see related

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