foxzone's Xanga

Thought

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:27:37 GMT

我听得见，也看得见

可惜经过的只有画面

想抓住那一瞬的时间

流过，消失，没有信念

我摸得到，也闻得到

可惜记得的都很潦草

想留住回忆中的美好

闪过，模糊，只剩烦恼

单纯的人都笑得灿烂

就像孩子般天真烂漫

所以我抽的香烟不再淡

天不再蓝

是谁给了谁权利去阻拦

一段感情和两颗心的期盼

是谁给了谁勇气去背叛

一份承诺和两个人的简单

所以我说

单纯的人都笑得灿烂

就像孩子般天真烂漫

所以我懂得什么叫难堪

什么叫承担

平凡，原来才是最自然

Anniversary

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 19:07:29 GMT

it's been almost three years, amazing that time goes so fast when there were still so many things happened.

my relationship has been always filled up with miseries. from the very beginning it started, it wasnt considered as a formal relationship. then the time when it came to separate and worked as a long-distant one, no one would believe that we could actually make it.

during the almost-two-years separation, we met up for less than five times, and each time it was just about a few weeks. those meet-ups were sweet and bitter, that hi and bye were the hardest things to say.

the longest separation was nine months yet it was the easiest period to go through, because we all knew that was the last one. but i still regret so much about leaving him behind for so long, if i could ever turn back time, i hope that i would never have to leave..

and now we're re-united, finally, life turns its page to a brand new one, it's blank and clean, and waiting for us to write down new love stories.

looking back to what i wrote during these three years, i'm glad that i never gave up my beliefs, and have done everything i promised myself to protect my relationship. from now on, it's about two people's effort together, making compromises, giving consideration and offering forgiveness.

i wish all the best to everyone who deserve to be loved to be as happy as i am now.

Workplace

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:51:17 GMT

that's the place where people always get pissed.

today's update is about Jeff..he came back with very upset yet angry face tonight because his stupid department head stood on his nerves again. sometimes i feel bad for him, for a person who is smart and efficient at work, to be under someone who is exactly not is considered a torture. this is not the first time i heard about his unprofessional behaviour, as a senior, his boss is completely ruining the post.

so Jeff decided to be more outspoken next time, despite the fact that he always chose to be quiet at meeting before, which was totally for saving his boss's face. and now he is going to be himself, whenever his boss is making stupid statement or wrong decision, he's going to stand up and correct him, doesnt matter it's in front of others or not. well..i know that sounds a bit impulsive, but if he keeps being quiet and follows whatever he instructs, if anything goes wrong, Jeff will be the one to get blamed. therefore, there is nothing to loss at this point, either to be blamed on his profession or not kissing the boss's ass..which i guess the latter is more forgivable.

imagine your boss's telling you this after half year you work there, "hey, i have nothing left to teach you because you've already learnt everything i know"..damn, how honest yet sad. so, we'll see how it goes in the future when Jeff takes his attitude back, afterall, his top boss is a very intelligent person, it's more likely for him to understand why Jeff does it.

and one more thing, weather here today was very bad, lightnings and thunders non-stop. again, our building got hit and all electronic stuff shut down like that, so freaking horrible..

Friends

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 18:48:23 GMT

isnt better to read the text in bolded font? =)

i'm like a free bird everyday, wake up in the afternoon and never eat until night. and yes, because of this natural habit, i lost weights and now nail it down to 5Xkg, finally..ahahaa though i think my recent unstable emotion contributed a little bit on the weight loss, i hope that i can still keep it even when i get back to my happy feet again.

anywayz, after 2-day of loud complaints in the blog, i thought it's time to take a break. it doesnt seem too healthy to everyone if my messages are just about releasing anger. plus, i dont think i can let go the stuff if i keep mentioning it, am i right? so, after a few contemplation with my own emotion, i decided to put that down for awhile, as long as nothing provoke me anymore, hahaa..still sounds stubborn no matter what..

and back to the topic, "Friends", is what i refer to the old-time famous soap drama. i've been crazily watching it from Season 1 since last week, and now i'm at Season 6 (4 more to go). a very funny thing about myself is that whenever i watch too much of something in certain language, my speaking habit changes. now i'm totally Friends-style, fast and sarcastic (in more the humor way..i think). as my favourite character is Phoebe and Joey, i've become more Weird and Single-celled now (forget about the craving for food from Joey).

it's just like when i'm here in Singapore for too long, my mandarin tuned into a very funny way, which sometimes when i tried to listen to myself, i couldnt stop laughing as well. my conclusion would be that i'm too good at imitating, which is kind of sad because that mean i dont possess anything strong enough to call it my own. well..who cares, languages are supposed to be used for communication (lame but true), so a little bit of modification shouldnt be that bad i guess, hahaa..

i bet Jeff will notice this very soon since he was once a big fan of Friends too, then he would ask me to stop that cuz my jokes are way too much when a person is tired. hahah..too bad that he has an unemployed wife at home to support. afterall, he's a decent man.

Life

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 16:29:00 GMT

life still goes on as it should, and nothing can make a difference because it's all set. the only thing a human being can go against the power of God is to control your own emotion, that when the thing comes, you try to make yourself look cool and pretend nothing's changed.

yes, it's the same old thing. i said i'm okie, but i lied..some of the parts. i'm truly forgiving to the person i love, yet the rest of the people who got involved, they're so damn cursed.

i know i sound very angry again, but that's not my intention. i dont mean to bring this issue to another level because it will hurt someone that's important to me. i just want to let go the anger in my heart through some peaceful ways, such as writing it out, while they're not allowed to be shown in front of others.

sometimes i'm so scared, i thought i'm going psycho or developing some freaky split characters. but i'm not. i know what i'm doing. whatever i act or i say now is to get this thing over as soon as possible, not for myself though cuz i know i need some more time to digest before completely swallow it.

and "i'm sorry, my friends" i didnt expect so much of response in such a short time, and definitely didnt mean to scare you. thanks for all the support, i really appreciate it.

it's going to be over soon, trust me. it's just this heartbreaking reason i heard disturbs me very much, that's all..

i want to should out loud, "my heart condition shouldnt be used as an excuse, nor to make others feel better!"

Feelings

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:05:37 GMT

i'm so not used to the new functions in Xanga, guess i've been outdated for quite some time, and yes, if you're one of the regular of my blogs, you've probably found out that my writing habits are changed, that i stopped using that much of sms short forms anymore.

actually the reason i came back was because i wanted to say something, which i cannot share with any real human beings because it's just the deepest feelings of myself now. i thought i could at least write it out instead of hiding them in my heart forever and letting the annoyance disturb me everytime i recall. so this is how i feel at the moment..

i'm still very angry, i hate the person so much that i could actually cut the flesh out of his/her body piece by piece and i assure you that i wont feel a thing. and please dont cry in front of me, cuz that would make me more angry.

"are you the victim or what?! what makes you think that you deserve to be upset?! you know what you actually deserve, you should be burned in hell until all become ashes!"

and yes, please call me cruel, cold-blooded or whatever that can strengthen my urge to destroy a person, i will curse him/her so much as long as i remember, and please let the punishment come when it's the best time. i dont want any physical ones, i just want the person suffer the same thing that's i've been through, so that he/she would know exactly how i feel now.

i pray to whoever that acknowledge my sincerity on this, and wish one day the person will run into me so that i could get a chance to say these in person. i want to hurt him/her so badly, that i'm willing to give everything to buy the chance. i want to tell him/her that he/she doesnt even worth a penny to me and "screw you!!"

cant people be more conscious about what they're doing in real life? reading it in a book is totally a different thing, cant they tell what's good and what's bad?! seriously if someone cant think of the consequences and whether or not if they can handle the worst situation, please dont do it. it's very reckless to simply try just because you think it's fun at that moment, and hurting people isnt very nice in the first place.

"see what've you done?! any achievement?!.. NO!! so what made you want to give it a try? now you're crying like an innocent, and telling me that you're wrong about the decision, but why your decision has to do with me?! you're upset because you chose to, but i didnt want to mess up my life because of you. what you've done was completely selfish, cuz you're not just playing with your own game, you're forcing people to join you when you know there is no winner before it even starts."

oh my god..can this thing be finishing any sooner..?!..

Astonishment

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 05:33:20 GMT

isnt it great 2b able 2 get wat u wan at last?! *haii..but now my mind is occupied wif all da rubbish ideas tat disturb me so much, n da more i think abt it da more i feel sad abt it...

aft going thru all those dramas wif him, when i'm finally settled wif wat i've achieved 2day, he approached n gave me an answer tat i was so desperate 2 hear a yr n half ago. so much astonishment, so many dramas, again..exactly da way tat he n i alwes ended up wif. if wat he said was true, tat means he's been hidin' his feelin' 4 over a yr, but wat was da turnin' pt tat i've created 2 change his attitude tis much? i think we've seen each other 4 less than 20 times tis yr, n none of them was a serious moment. rite..even if all those days count, da situation i was in tat nite stil cant b explained.

i never knw tat i was in tis picky person's pick-able range of gals, should i reckon tis as a kind of compliments? when he let his feelin' out, i couldnt blif tat my ears were actually receivin' tis msg tat i was waitin' from him 4 so long. i bet not only me, he himself couldnt even tell wat was drivin' him 2 do tat. tis defensive person finally let down his guards n exposed himself in da air of truth, unfortunately it's too late 4 us 2 change anythin' rite now.

it was a very cruel moment cuz nobody can understand how badly i was into him. i promised myself b4 tat i would do wateva i can 2 make him da happiest person on tis planet Earth, but wat i got in return was jus a rejection wif a simple reason. then i spent a yr over 2 let go him n move on, n i'm lyk one step more 2 reach my goal now..guess wat, *bomb* things jus happened which u couldnt even smell a clue tat where it started from.

n now it's jus gettin' more complicated. 4 da last few days i'm in Melbourne, should i pretend nothin' happened, or b selfish 4 da last time 2 complete my puzzle of missin' pieces?..

Replacement

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:21:22 GMT

i'm stil confused abt wat i've said. was tat jus my illusion, or did i really mean it?..i seriously dunno if there's anythin' wrong abt sayin' "u MITE b replaceable, but i'm not doin' tat..". obviously there's an underlyin' reason tat y i'm not willin' 2 do tis, which is "u r not replaceable 4 me"! do i hv 2 make it tis plain everytime 2 jus avoid xtra thinkin' of da listener?

da thing is tat logically da scenario can b taken place, but emotionally i'm not lettin' it happen. REASON?? AGAIN.."u r not replaceable"! tat's all..wat made da simple words not simple anymor, cant they b assumed?!

i guess tis one-time mistake's gonna cost me a fortune.

Schedule

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 07:36:32 GMT

almost 4got abt tis blog..

sch's gettin' bak on its track, busy works, less time. he's stil far away from me even da ring's jus on my finger, so close. if there's no such news from his sis, i guess i'd enjoy my life more positively. now i can sink my hope down 2 da drain, mayb sumone who needs it would pick it up from da other end.

Divorce

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 15:47:12 GMT

while everybody's askin' me when will i get married, hearin' a divorce news from my cousin is jus too much of da information so i didnt even knw how 2 response at da 1st moment. tho tis thing has been processin' 4 quite sum time, it still brings a small impact when da day comes. i cant mention da details here, it's jus lyk sum old-fashion TV drama's story line anywayz.

in my relationship, since da day tat we went 2gether, i've never thought abt separatin'. mayb 4 once or twice i was imaginin' things tat were not even makin' any sense, but i knw tat i was jus bein' pessimistic. aft all i knw tis person's da most compatible one i've ever met, n it really matters 2 me, tat's y i dun c any reason 4 me 2 not 2 stay wif him. but who knws, i bet most of da couples think in tis way when they jus start their relationship.

i hope 1day when i read bak my entries, i wont feel sorry 4 myself 4 bein' such a single-cell creature, n i definitely dun wanna hear ppl say things lyk "i've told u so" in da future as well. look at my cousin, she doesnt wanna trust any guys anymore, at least not as much as she did 4 her husband. well..i would say tat makin 2 close herself up is very saddenin', it's lyk shuttin' da door 4eva in her heart. n she's stil so young...