| A lot of people went home this week. Yesterday I cried for the first time from homesickness over a texting conversation with my brother. As I slid to the floor yesterday, with my back sliding down the side of my bed and tears rolling I finally missed everything I've been running from the last two months. I cover my face in makeup hoping no one will see the bleeding heart beneath it, and duck my head in crowds to get lost in them so familarity won't see the tears in my eyes. I miss the way my family corrals into the kitchen and badgers my mom about dinner only 2 hours after lunch...I miss my brothers' cologne....Old Spice for Ty and Ryan, Axe for Andrew....I miss my sister's lotion....all three combined fumugate the house so much the windows have to be opened
I missed walking with my mom every day around my pond
I miss laying on my couch cuddling with my dog
I miss playing basketball with my dad
I miss mid-night movie theater runs with my brother and friends
I miss low-ridin' with my brothers with no particular destination and no time to spare
I miss the canopy of trees
I miss singing and dancing in my driveway with no audience
I miss random "when you grow up...." lectures from my mom
I miss playing football in the snow
I miss pillow fights with my brothers
I miss having play fights with my sister
I miss watching cartoons and laughing over jokes I would elsewhere be ashamed to laugh over
I miss watching guy-weekends when my mom was gone and we'd eat nothing but pizza, donuts, and soda
I miss eating at restaruants and being mistaken for a party because of being such a large family .....and so much more. I never thought Boylston would be home.....and I'm not sure if it truly encompasses the full idea I have of home in my head, but I miss everything about my home and my family. I need a hug. I want to be with the people who have always loved me, and hearing that my brothers and sister are growing up without me cuts deep within me. My brother texted me on his on yesterday that he missed me.....entirely out of character for Andrew. If distance didn't stand in my way, nothing could have stopped me from dropping everything and running home at that moment. Everytime I call home it gets harder and harder.....I'm the first to be at college....my parents try to encourage me when I'm having a bad day....but they don't know what it's like, so they only make things worse most of the time. hehe and of course my mom, grandparents, grandma, and everyone else has to ask every phone call, "do you have a boyfriend YET?", "hurry up Wendi..." maybe I'll become a nun just to spite them all. Not all is lost though.....I'm weary, but not broken. I've been learning to experience joy in life all over again, and rediscovering my Jesus in time I don't absolutely depend on Him for every trial-filled move.....I can't remember a time before moving that I felt that. A couple weeks ago a flock of parrots came on campus for some reason, and although they irritate a lot of people, I thank God every morning I wake up to them because they bless me with a small sound of home - even if they are a different type of birds. Today I woke up to the sun after two gloomy days, or the other day they played three hours straight of all my favorite songs, or last night I got to watch one of my favorite movies with Amy and Sara, the smell of coffee in my room, talking to friends on the phone - all the little things I'm re-learning to appreciate as blessing I've overlooked lately. Then there's my favorite night of the week, Friday night, and not because I got to go clubbing to have a hot date, but because I get to go into downtown Compton with some of the most incredible people I've ever met to a rec-yard. We go and play with the kids of Compton in a rec-yard to build positive relationships with them and share our faith them, and even though I've only been going for a little over a month, it's one of the most amazing things I've ever done. Here I sit drenched in my own tears over being homesick, but the kids I've been working with at five, six, seven, eight, and nine years old (there's younger and older kids) have gone through more than I can possibly imagine - yet they still manage to come out with a smile bigger than their face can contain. Theorectically I suppose we're supposed to be blessing those kids, but they have already blessed me so much more than I could possibly have given to them. Just thinking about them now brings a smile to my face.....even with their rough edges.....I really love those kids. Someday I know I'll look back on these years with longing for youth.....and I don't want to waste them longing for something unattainable and empty dreams....but neither do I want to drain them because I lack feeling and dreams. I will learn to stop thinking of my life as goodbyes, but instead of opportunities to grasped in the moment. |
